of Montana

pretty simple, straight forward title this time around!  I'm here, people!  I've been settled in for about 5 days now, in a little cozy room that I share with one roommate.  Its like a real college experience!  Bunk beds, a desk, shared bathrooms, our own coffee maker/tea station (kettle yet to arrive, however), photo's covering my wall and floor mates that are absolutely superb.  And my roommate?  She's the bomb.  God knows what He's doing.

The base here at YWAM Montana Lakeside (and you should all go and 'like' their Facebook page, and check out the video - you may see someone you know and her roommate :)) feels a lot like a camp.  I've also been privileged (yes, privileged) to receive breakfast prep as my work duty for the 9 months I'll be living here (everybody has a different work duty around the base to help maintain all the spaces).  We had the opportunity to pick our top 3 preferences of work duties - of which mine were: 1. Snack bar (making latté's? I'm pro!) or 2. Library (I can't say the word, but hey! I love books and quiet time) or 3. SBS Hospitality (prepping the tea/coffee for lectures? - joy!).  And somehow, I get to be up at 5:30am every morning every other week in order to boil water and mix the oatmeal.  However, once I found out this was my work duty, I wasn't resentful or upset.  In fact, I was quite ecstatic.  It didn't take me long to realize that I had an awesome team to work with (we're the A team. seriously) - and we're from 6 different countries!  And there are only 6 of us, so hey, that's pretty sweet!  Have you seen that youtube clip of all the nations singing "How Great is Our God"?  That's basically what it's like in the mornings with that group.  We've got a guy from Thailand and one from Norway.  Then there are 3 other ladies - a Korean, a Swede, and an American.  It's awesome.  I feel like the luckiest student on base - early mornings and all.

As for school stuff - we've finished our first book already!  We started with Philemon and basically did all of our work in class.  For the first 3 weeks we have what's called "seminar" where we learn the basics of the inductive method while also studying the first few books together in class.  We have seminar twice a day every day, but after 3 weeks we'll split off into our different sessions (Red, White, or Blue (oh, hey, America!)) and then have lectures 3 times a week, with study time all in between.  Say hello to discipline, erika!

I'll admit I've been working on really discerning where I'm at with being here at SBS.  It's bizarre that I've been so fortunate enough to get 9 full months to invest in the most important relationship I will ever be a part of.  Yet - I'm feeling a little stuck.  The other day we had our first base wide worship to start the week off, and as I was worshiping I was hit with sudden feelings, similar to what I had experienced a few weeks ago and had written about (here).  Then as I stopped singing and just listened, hoping the Lord would speak and I would hear, I sensed Him saying, "Spring doesn't happen over night."

It's true.  For the past year and half I've been in a season of winter.  This all came about when I really started over running (is this a term?) with ministry.  I was taking on way too much, and not taking in enough self care and love from my Father.  It took a conversation with a sweet friend for me to realize how much I needed to stop, and to realize just how much I was filling my life with the wrong things - all in the name of Jesus.  Hey - it's great to do stuff in His name, but He also calls us to the pastures to rest (Psalm 23), and if we don't stop and take that, life will become routine - 'do and do, do and do, rule on rule' as Isaiah (28:12-13) put its.  And that's what my life was.  And to be honest - that's what I need to break free from.  That season was comparable to winter - and the thaw that comes after winter doesn't happen in a heartbeat.  There are mornings you wake up and smell the fresh spring breeze, the scent of rain clean on the grass and you know spring is coming.  But how do we know spring is ever actually arrived?  It's hard to tell.  There are snippets and signs, but spring is in full bloom when we're verging on summer.  Spring is a time of transition - a beautiful, new, bright, exciting transition.  Something to anticipate and experience often.  Long walks in rubber boots, splashing in puddles and getting way too muddy.  Early mornings where the sun is actually peeking through the clouds.  Nights that get later and get you pumped for long summer nights.  And that's where I am.  A lot of my winter was brought on because of me - but I do not doubt that the Lord was with me, and was leading me through the blizzards, and He was the One who handed me the sunglasses when the sun was reflecting so brightly off the snow I could no longer see.  He was always there - speaking through friends, creation, times of rest, the moments of silence.  He was there.

And He is here.  And I do look forward to this next season.  It's going to be crazy hard (reading each book of the Bible 5 times in 9 months? Yup.) but it will be good.  It will be something exciting, bright, fresh, beautiful - and new.  Just like spring.

"Spring doesn't happen over night."

And thank you for that, Jesus, or else we'd miss the goodness.

stay tuned, friends.

[ps. for updates on some more specifics, see the column on the right.  Contrary to what I previously wrote, I am posting the mailing address.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.]

of hoping for mystery {part 3}

Here are my final thoughts (for now) on the topic of "modesty".  I don't have much to say to really finish this little series off.  I hope you take into consideration not so much what you are wearing as so much as you wonder to yourself (and then take action) on why you are wearing what you've chosen to wear. I am looking forward to studying this topic" much more in depth over the next year or so, and I will make you all very aware of the conclusions when I make them!  In case you are just hopping in, I encourage you to read {part 1} and {part 2} before reading {part 3}.  I hope you've enjoyed these thoughts with me - I have certainly enjoyed all the conversations (and will likely continue to enjoy them!! :))

The Reason
The conversation still rings in my ears.  I was considering, with Holy Spirit, why this summer, like every other summer, I would choose to wear a bikini.

Holy Spirit: Why do you feel the need to wear a bikini?
                                                         Erika: Well because I like to tan my stomach.
HS: And who sees your stomach?
                                                         E: I do.
                              *silence*
HS: Congratulations, you just found the world’s thinnest argument.

    It was then that I first asked why. Why did I feel the need to dress in a way that showed off more of my skin to more people than the amount of skin my sheets saw when I crawled into bed at night?  And I just didn’t have an answer.  My response was weak and stretching to be justified, as if I had good reason for never having thought this out before.  Yet – a part of me felt freedom in the conclusion.  A whole wonderful, mysterious, seemingly new part of me actually got excited about the thought of covering up on the beach.  Not that I was prepared to wear a burka, but the prospect of swimsuit shopping to purchase a suit that meant I did not have to work out and get “beach body ready” sounded like a great plan to me!  So I set off with the goal in mind of buying a suit that made me look great, but still covered up that area of skin that I no longer felt the need to show.  It was as if I had been waiting my whole life to hear that it was okay that I did not express my “comfortability” by wearing very little material for a very expensive price. 
Right before I experienced this freedom I came to the conclusion with a slam of my latté down on the table that startled my friend.  In my mind, it all came down to being about me, God and my future husband.  As marriage is something I desire, would not it only make sense to dress in a way that my husband will respect?  If I am only dressing for me I can justify wearing anything, whether it is socially acceptable or not.  When I think only for myself and my interests, I act selfishly and in vain.  If I am only dressing for me and God I will likely fall into the traps the church has unfortunately laid for women that says your body is a distraction and men are too weak to deal with the sight of them, creating in me a sense of shame that was never God’s intention when He first clothed Adam and Eve.  He clothed them, I believe, to show them the depth of His love and the yearning for redemption in the area of relationship.  This is where respecting your husband, above all other men, comes in.
The fact of the matter is that every man will likely feel respected in a different way.  The challenge that I face is this: what kind of man would I like to attract?  If I am looking to attract a man who wants me to make sure the world sees what a looker he has got, I will make sure to wear outfits that attract him in the first place.  If I am looking to attract a man of God, I will dress in a way that keeps my God-given body shrouded in mystery.
Scripture calls wives to submit to their husbands as husbands submit to God.  Ephesians 5:22-33 talks us through how a man ought to love his wife, and it is repeated that he is to love “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” and that “husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.”  If, when I marry, my body is joined to his and we become one, then that means that the way I dress now is not just about me, but about me, God and my husband because my body belongs to them.
I have heard it said that “good things come to those who wait.”  Frequently we ignore this phrase because are not patient enough to wait and see what the good thing will be.  But when it comes to modesty I think we need to take time to wait and consider the implications of our actions if we remove the responsibility of somebody else’s sin and place the ownership back where it belongs.  This is a double edged sword as it does not give us free reign to do whatever we want, but own what is ours in turn.  That said, it is not possible to stop any man from lusting after any one woman.  However it is possible for each woman to dress in a way that honours the man she desires to submit to.  Through this act of humility she honours God with the motivation of her heart postured in a pure, selfless manner.  With this mindset I glean a sense of freedom in the way I dress as it sets boundaries that are respectable to me and hopefully my future husband.  It proves modesty to be a lot simpler than rules and slogans that only confuse young people, tricking them into thinking that modesty is only about one person, with no consideration of a God who sees their heart or future spouse who may be watching.  There is a freedom in modesty that needs to be redeemed, that needs to be fought for.  It is through selflessness that we will achieve such a paradigm, looking to the interests of our God and our husband.  As women this issue is something that will constantly be a battle we fight, but if we have our foundations rooted in the Christ of grace and love we will experience the freedom He came to bring us.

The Conclusion   
Dictionary.com defines “modesty” as:

1. the quality of being modest; freedom from vanity, boastfulness, etc.
2. regard for decency of behavior, speech, dress, etc. 
3. simplicity; moderation.   

A blogger I read referred to the topic by saying, “…modesty itself is a subjective socio-cultural construct.”  I would have to agree with what this author is suggesting – that modesty in and of itself can have its own wonderfully prolific dictionary definition, but we still find it hard to define.  One of my personal blind spots up until recently was how broad modesty is, and even when we talk about modesty in the way we dress there is something so much deeper and wider going on behind the scenes than a simple set of rules of things we can and cannot wear.  There is a beauty beneath, a mystery that is longing to be presented and solved, not by several people, but by one person.  If we can look to be people who live selflessly, who hope for good marriages that honour their spouse in every aspect of their life, including dress, and who can revel in the grace and love of Christ I think we will all do well in achieving modesty. 

of hoping for mystery {part two}

Thank you so much to everyone who has graciously prayed for me in the past week or so.  I am overwhelmed how not only people have sought the Lord on this, but the amount of people that the Lord has spoken to in return.  It is so humbling to know that He is nudging peoples hearts and fighting for me in this way.  He is awesome.  Almost all of the finances have come together.  There will be continued costs throughout the year, so if you are ever led, the "Donate" button won't be going anywhere.  Your continued prayers are also more than appreciated - and if you wish to be added to my prayer calendar there are still several dates that need to be covered!  Shoot me a text/email/FB message and I will get you some dates!  If you missed what I am talking about in all of this, check out what I wrote here.  On a side note, for those of you interested in having my mailing address in Montana, I will willingly get it to you via email or FB (and I hope to collect yours in return!) - I would rather not post it publicly on my blog, which I am sure many of you understand. 

On to some other things.  This past week was wonderful.  I was able to visit different friends and say my "see ya later's" across the province of Ontario.  I enjoyed many long conversations, laughing fits and times praying with so many amazing, blessed, kind and caring children of the King.  I love being a part of this world.  I traveled from Whitby - Exeter - St. Mary's through Stratford (beauty town) - Listowel - Ancaster - Burlington - Stoney Creek - Ancaster again - Mississauga and finally home!  I ate McDonald's for the first time in over a year when I enjoyed lunch with my Grandpa - he had coupons and I didn't have the heart to tell him that I try to avoid fast food (not necessarily because I don't like it - more because once I start eating it, it's hard to stop!!).  But he's too precious to pass up time with, so I reveled in eating my McNuggets and crispy, salted fries and his retelling of old stories and his most up-to-date health ailments (he had just been at his Dr. that morning).  I love that man.  I could likely go on about all the other amazing people I was able to spend time with - either over poutine, KD, or tea; budgets approvals, thoughtful conversation or drawn out explanations.  I should say that I finally graduated this weekend as well, which is crazy since I never had any desire to graduate from University before - but I am an official Redeemer Alumni now!  When my grad was finally over, all the "congratulations" and "goodbyes" had been said there, it felt really odd knowing I didn't have anywhere left to go but go home.  And so here I am!  After a day of rest and looking ahead to my final week home before jetting off to the west, I thought it would be best to give you all a little update, as well as offer you my next section of some of my thoughts on modesty.

I was encouraged by one of my Profs at the grad (and also in my final paper for him) that he is expecting a book from me [on this topic] at some point in the future - so who knows?  My first year at Redeemer he called me out on the first paper and mentioned that I should consider writing a book.  At the time I was blogging, but writing a book was never on my radar.  We'll see how this year goes, and from there we'll see if a book is written!  I will keep all of you faithful readers informed, and your prayers for this are always appreciated.  In regards to 'hoping for mystery', there is a section here entitled "The Men."  As a woman I don't often think about this, and so a lot of the thoughts there have been gleaned from conversations with guys, friends and boyfriends of friends, as well from different blogs written by men.  I hope you enjoy part two - and stay tuned for part three sometime next week!  (If you missed part one, I recommend reading it first by clicking here).


The Revelation
    Finally, after several long and drawn out conversations with friends about what to wear and what not to wear, I felt I had struck gold.  I was sipping on my caramel latté, laying out the issue of modesty to a sister in Christ, when suddenly I felt it all made sense. 
I had been wrestling with where respect came in if I am comfortable enough in my body to clothe it with what I wanted, when I wanted and where I wanted when I realized that I cannot just dress for me.  In fact, I do not even know if I can just dress for me and God.  One blog I had read over a year ago got me thinking that maybe God does not care so much about my wearing of a short skirt as much as He cares how the actions I took reflected my heart while wearing said skirt.  However, I felt strongly that if I just left it at all that I would still be missing a key piece to this seemingly complicated puzzle.  It was then I realized that I cannot just dress for me and God if I do not factor in the third party of this little group, the husband that I expect to have standards for my life.  On a personal level, I could stop considering what I wear at what makes me comfortable.  It would not be fair to stop there, though, because then I could justify walking around Wal-Mart in nothing but my “birthday suit” because “hey!  I’m comfortable with who I am.”  This is often where the reasoning stops in our culture.  We see women bearing all they have and other women and men applauding them for being so comfortable in their own skin.  We see people push the clothing envelope and dress in ways that are completely unacceptable to witness at any age – yet this is extremely commonplace, especially when it comes to the celebrities we all know and admire.  Most recently I was watching a video clip where two of the talk show hosts, both women, were critiquing an outfit that actress and singer Miley Cyrus wore to the Teen Choice Awards.  The younger, likely in her mid-20’s, of the two hosts says, “I thought it was way too risqué for the Teen Choice Awards and all of her young fans,” putting emphasis on “Teen Choice Awards”, to which her older, almost motherly, co-host responds, before Chloe is even done with her sentence, “Oh, Chloe, are you a church lady?”  If I stopped with modesty being about myself and my comfort, I sell myself short of the excitement of mystery that sexuality holds and that our culture has so tactfully destroyed.  As much as culture seems to devalue the mystery, they still seem to glean from the church that there is something about sexuality and modesty that is relevant and exciting or else they would never consider it a response to a comment about extremely revealing clothing.
    I am also not satisfied to limit modesty to being just about me and Christ, as I would again feel that I was selling myself short of the entire purpose of being modest.  That is to say that when it comes to God, as I mentioned earlier, I am not sure that He really cares about the length of my skirt as much as the actions I take while wearing the skirt.  He sees the posture of my heart and the intentions of my soul, and as the LORD says to Samuel in response to Samuel not understanding how David could be chosen as the next King of Israel, “The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7)  I feel this concept is reiterated in Matthew 12:33-37 when Jesus is talking about being a good tree and bearing good fruit and that, “the good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.” (Matthew 12:35)  God sees whether or not we are doing things out of selfish motivation or vain conceit.  He knows whether or not I am wearing the skirt to get attention and distract or if I am just wearing it because I think it is cute.  Body type and proportions also impact our perceptions of modesty and the choices we make.  This happens quite often in high schools with girls and shorts.  I cannot count how many conversations I have had with young girls who are frustrated with the fact that their bodies, the ones that God designed and planned especially for them, cause them so much grief on the basis of what they chose to put on that morning.  I know many girls who honour God and love the Lord, yet feel so much shame because their legs are too long to wear a pair of shorts that would be deemed perfectly acceptable on a girl inches shorter than them.  It is awful to know that just as the secular world has carved the path of having no boundaries on the wearing of clothes, the Christian world has laid down rules and regulations on women that end up not freeing them to respect others around them, but bring shame and frustration.  In this the church also seems to apply a weakness to men that simply is not justified. (read a well articulated article on "The Myth of Male Weakness" here).  I believe there are men out there who are not weak.  I believe there are men out there that exist who can control their lust.  If men have the mental capacity to undress a woman in a matter of seconds, I would like to think that God gave them the mental capacity to dress them back up.  I believe there are men out there who will notice the girl on the beach with the one-piece swimsuit on and wonder why she feels the need to stand out when everybody else wants to blend in.

The Men
    In order to not make this a sexist issue and continue to suggest that modesty is all about the woman, I need to address where the role of men comes in all of this.  Again, it is wise to start at the beginning and take notice that God created man first.  From there we can read through Scriptures and come across dozens and dozens of stories where God entrusted men with tasks, jobs and responsibilities beyond their capacity to actually accomplish.  Throughout the Bible men are the ones who are called to submit to God.  Culture cannot sit around and tell me that man is weak and man will fall into lust every time when we men in Scripture encountered lust, came face to face with it and resisted it.  The most obvious example of this is the experience that Joseph had with Potiphar’s wife (Genesis 39).  I think men lose their sense of purpose when all around them culture dictates what they should be doing.  They get caught up in habits that are easier submit to, as visual beings, than to submit to a God who is unseen and a purpose that is unknown.  God wired the brains of men to be visually stimulated, and that as much as the eyes of man are “never satisfied” (Proverbs 27:20) we seem to give men very little responsibility to control that craving.  Culture plays a huge role in this from the ease of access to pornography, to allowing sexually graphic and explicit scenes in PG rated movies.  This sets men up to not even have to engage in relationship, cultivating commitment issues and unrealistic expectations that deflect them away from even asking a woman out to coffee.  This is a far stretch from modesty only being a woman’s problem because if men were not a part of it, there would not be an issue to begin with.  But to begin with, man was created and then woman.  Man was first given a high charge, being placed in the Garden of Eden and entrusted with the care of that great, wonderful, honoured place (Genesis 2:15).  Man was then given the opportunity to be exhibit integrity by following the command to not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 2:16-17).  The Lord then called man to demonstrate responsibility in finding a mate by presenting every animal to him, and when no suitable helper was found the Lord put man to sleep (Genesis 2:19-21a).  It is here where men do not stop, like they should as the Lord calls them to, but plough through, looking for and finding the forbidden fruit.  With no thought of all the things he had been entrusted with, he takes and eats, as if nothing else ever needed to exist ever again except what woman offered.
    Maybe – just maybe – if man took more time to pause and settle in to their caring, honourable, integrity filled purpose that had admirable responsibilities attached to it, they would be patient, excited and grateful when the right woman is finally presented to them (Genesis 2:22-23).  And I think men are rarely called to this standard, and so with no standard to live up to men flounder in a culture searching desperately for the life raft that cannot be seen.

of needing help.

dearest friends.

If you've made it here, thank you.  What you're about to read is extremely difficult to admit and ask for.  In fact, my flesh is telling me not to do this, but Holy Spirit is challenging me to write.  During the past several months of waiting on God and seeing provision come in has been amazing.  However there is still some work left to do.  Through this whole process the Lord has been stretching me, and we're in the final bit of stretch (I think? maybe?)  What's left to be done isn't easy: I have to admit I'm the weakest.  That I cannot do anything about this.  That there is no such thing as being 'independent' when you're chasing after a God who just wants to be your all as you are all His.  And that's where I'm stuck.  I'm stuck because I always want to do things on my own.  I never want to ask for help.  It's hard to ask for prayer.  It's not easy to admit you're the chiefest of sinners.  I'm in need of depending on God, and He is challenging me to ask others to witness.  My biggest fear in all of this, of being this honest, is the rejection.  Anybody who reads what I am writing has the ability to discard what I am asking, or to percieve what I am writing as dishonest and trivial.  I risk being judged, scorned and hurt with this, and that is what scares me the most.  But God is a God who is full of love, and I am asking you to help me trust that God. 

As many of you are aware in just a few short weeks I'll be transitioning to Montana to spend 9 months studying Scripture with Youth With a Mission taking their School of Biblical Studies program.  The course uses an inductive Bible study approach to allow students to critically look at and apply Scripture to our lives.  Emphasis is put on teaching the historical context of each book, and discerning what is still applicable today as a timeless truth.  I am really excited about this amazing opportunity to further my call in ministry, and I have no doubt God will use this experience to deepen my knowledge of Him that will provide me with a stronger foundation to teach and minister to youth.  

With such a step in my journey, however, come some mountains that I need to move - and I realize time and again that I just cannot move these on my own.  I am asking for your prayers for this as I am still in need of about $2,300 $1,450 to cover the cost of the tuition for the school.  God has been amazing and used so many people (including several of you) to help move this mountain - but there is just a little bit left.  I hope you will join me in prayer as I hope in Christ that He will provide for this as this is hard to bear on my own.  I constantly wonder what more I can do, and I keep coming to dead ends except for Jesus saying to me, "Just be you and be loved by me."  This is SO hard when you want to do something about a situation, but you just can't.  It is humbling to have to ask for help, and as much as I thought the Lord had humbled me enough, I was wrong.  I need to fully rely on Him for all my needs, the biggest of which right now is a financial burden that I can't articulate myself.

I ask that you commit to praying for me for a few minutes when you read this, and that the Lord would open doors to make a way for me to attend the SBS.  I have felt strongly about attending this YWAM program in Montana, and God has already provided several affirmations and a significant portion of the finances needed.

If the Lord leads you, donations can be accepted through PayPal by following the link on the right side of my blog - if you need to, you might need to scroll down (or up?) until you see the "Donate" button.  If you are led and are able, any donation will go extremely far!  However, I understand that many of you are already committed to other extremely worthy causes, missionaries and organizations, as well as having your own financial obligations.  I understand this!  This is why I first ask for your prayer.  Nothing God ordained can come without prayer, and it is the backbone of any goodness or redemption we will ever witness.

If it helps you to commit to assisting me in any way, I will make some commitments back to you:

1. Please never hesitate to email if you ever need prayer.  I would be more than happy to enter the throne room on your behalf.  The Lord loves you as His child and would do anything for you.  It would be my honour to seek Him with you and for you.

2. For every person that donates $5 or more I will give up a day of buying Starbucks.  Many of you know I am a local "buxie", and even though I have cut back significantly over the past 6 months (I used to go every day, now I maybe go a few times a month!), I would still love to go often, especially for the fellowship I enjoy with other regulars.  However, I will commit to not purchasing any drinks there if you commit to helping me in this journey.  That said, if 100 people donate $5 or more, I won't buy anything from Starbucks for 100 days.  Make sense?

I hope you consider helping me in one way or another.  I especially covet your prayers as I know and have experienced the power of prayer.  God loves when we seek Him, and He loves to provide for us.  Join me in waiting on Him to see this happen for SBS.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and consider my struggle with me.

The song in the video below has been on my heart for nearly 24 hours.  I fell asleep to it and I woke up to it.  I need to trust that God will come through for me.  I hope you can trust with me.  These words encourage me to know that all God wants is to be with me - to be with you.  To love on us a little longer.  Thank you for being loved.  Thank you for loving.

Blessings and love,

erika

of hoping for mystery. {part one}

As many of you are aware I've been wrestling with the concept of modesty for the past several months.  It was a happy coincidence that the assignment for my final paper in my Teaching Scripture class this past summer was basically, "choose a topic and write about what the Bible says about it."  It took me a couple days to think of something, and when I did I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it earlier.  Of course I should look at modesty.  I'd only been having conversations with everyone I came in contact with about the subject!  I continued to seek out people's thoughts and wisdom, I read countless blogs and of course I got in to Scripture.  I won't say much as I'll be posting my final thoughts in a few different increments and I don't want to give it all away in this intro, but I will say, for the record, when you type in "modest" into your search bar at Bible Gateway you get back 2 results (if you've searched with the NIV).  They are the following:

1. "...and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty,..." - 1 Corinthians 12:23.  This text is taken from the passage that's talking about unity and diversity in the body of Christ, and how each member has a certain role to play.  In it Paul is trying to make a point that everybody has a role to play in the Church, big or small, seemingly strong or seemingly weak, all have value.  His comparison is to our physical bodies, trying to explain to us that even though one part of our body may not seem valuable it is actually invaluable, and that just because some parts of our bodies are not shown off all the time it does not make them terrible, but in fact we need to treat them with special care, or to use his word, modesty.  By extension you could argue that Paul is telling us we need to not wear bikini's, but that's getting more specific than I think as ever intended, and I'll be honest and say that I think that is stretching the truth and twisting what Paul is actually trying to teach the church.

2. "I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God." - 1 Timothy 2:9-10.  Usually when I hear this passage I only hear v.9, and the part about what I should wear is cut off.  Interesting that this text doesn't say, "I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with clothes that cover their bodies in a way that don't tempt men."  Which is often what seems to be suggested.  For those of you who may not have known, let me try to educate for a minute.  Paul brings this up to women, using the wording in v.9 as he does because 1. prostitutes in the day generally wore clothing of this nature - they dressed in a way that would make them stand out more than any other woman (there is a likely another blog I could do just on that, but for now that's not quite where I'm going), and than any other prostitute.  2. We often focus so much on the words following "modestly" that we rarely take time to consider how the word is actually being used here - which is to suggest to women that they not spend a lot of money on what they wear.  I hope that makes sense.  Now, I find it interesting that what women are charged with "wearing" isn't clothes at all, but with good deeds.  It seems to me that Paul wants women to ensure that their actions are what is noticed.  If you're a prostitute, your actions are strictly sexual and you make your money by sleeping around.  Paul didn't want women who were seeking the Lord and submitting to their husbands to be confused with prostitutes.  He wanted women to be known for their hearts - their kindness, their charity, their love, their compassion, etc...  He knew that people would watch these women of Godly husbands and knew it would be a testimony to God's goodness if these women presented themselves in a way that was respectable and honourable.

Side note for all you single ladies: you never know who is watching you, so I encourage you to always be wearing good deeds.  Allow people to see your heart in the way you carry yourself.  I have come across women before that with me are incredibly lovely, sweet and lighthearted.  But then I witness the way they treat other people, maybe a family member or a stranger, and there's this whole other woman I didn't know was there - and it's just not attractive!  Carry yourself in a way that you are the same woman to the people you loathe the most and the people you love the most.  If you are seeking a man of God, he will notice and value that in you.   Just sayin'.

Alright.  That's all I am going to say on those passages, and I only brought them up because I did not use them once in what you are about to read (I don't think), and I thought I would throw that out there right away so you understood why I didn't use them.

I also want to throw out a HUGE thank to all of you who have helped me with this final product and have assisted me in making these conclusions.  I could not have done this without your vulnerability and honesty in sharing, your patience and empathy as I lingered in confusion, and your dedication to being my friend.  Thank you HEAPS - there have been too many of you to name.  You are wonderful.

Enjoy my heart (and hey, feel free to disagree, just try not to do so by splatting my heart against a brick wall :))

The Issue
This whole modesty thing has been driving me crazy for months.  In fact it is still making my head spin, regardless of the fact that I have come to a conclusion and have a much stronger personal conviction of what it is all about.  No longer do I get this cringing sense of annoyance when I hear that the only reason to cover up is “because you should not cause your brother to sin.”  After lots of praying, reading of books and blogs and countless conversations with friends from every walk of life, I have concluded that modesty is not just about something that we wear, as much as it is often relegated to in Christian circles, but it is about being completely selfless and respecting the life that God has given you.  Of course, for the sake of what I was researching it did have a lot to do with what we wear and how we conduct ourselves, specifically as women, so that is the focus that I will be taking.  In regards to dress I think there is a lot of spill over into considering our sexuality and how to value this aspect of life God has provided.  However, we most commonly talk about modesty as if it has nothing to do with our sexuality, but as a disconnected “something” that we must adhere to in order to be “Good Christian Women.”  As if to say that because I have long legs, certain clothes are inappropriate and it is solely my duty and responsibility to keep every man around me from sinning.  You’ll sometimes hear the term “Modesty Doctrine” thrown around, but you’ll quickly realize that this has nothing to do with men and the way they conduct themselves. 
I believe there has got to be a two way street here, but rarely do we consider it as such.  However, since I am not a man I struggle with how I could articulate this topic for men, as, from what I perceive, our culture has narrowed it to being a female issue.  As Wendy Shalit, author of A Return to Modesty says, “Women who dress and act “modestly” conduct themselves in ways that shroud their sexuality in mystery.”  I could not have manufactured a better definition if I wanted to, and so I will often reference this statement as what I believe modesty should be about when we use the term in respect to dress.
   
The Beginning
    It all started after I read an article I read in June entitled, “The Bikini Question.”  I could not resist responding to a write up where the only argument for not wearing a bikini to the beach was to protect the guys around us.  In the response on my blog I wrote that I agree with that to a certain extent, but for me to take that one single argument and to stop there would not be fair to men or women.  It would not be fair to men because I do not think this gives them enough credit.  It suggests that lust happens in about 1.5 seconds and that men cannot stop it.  It also suggests men are animals that cannot control their “fleshly desires” and must “attack their prey” without any thought.  With this mindset it takes away men’s responsibility and leaves women with the burden of controlling every man’s mind – which frankly cannot be done.  Women can never dress in any one way that will stop a man (or men) from lusting after them.  From covered up to dressed right down, if a man wants his mind to go there, he can get his mind to go there.  That is just the unfortunate truth.  And as I typed madly away on my keys I thought how people would respect my ideals and consider me correct, and that this blog entry would end the modesty argument and provide the most solid reason for covering up.  My mindset and thought that I trailed on about was how we need to dress in a way that honours other wives if someday we hope to be a wife and want our husbands eyes to be for us alone.  I published the blog and shut down my laptop, feeling pretty accomplished for one evening.
    The following weekend I was driving to a cottage with a dear friend when we got on the topic of my blogging.  I shared what I had recently written about and how I was sure I finally figured this whole issue out and could shut the door on it once and for all.  I confidently shared, and paused when I finished, waiting for the head nod and enthusiastic agreement I was hoping for.  Finally my friend responded with, “Yeah, I pretty much disagree with everything you just said.”  I was flabbergasted!  Having been cut so deeply to me core I cannot, now, even recall my response.  I probably ended up asking her to explain, and so explain she did.  She did not quite articulate her stance in a way that was making sense – consider it a blind spot at the time – and we got to the cottage all in good time, having shifted conversation significantly after the modesty talk ended in a state of slight confusion on my part.  I got home after the weekend and watched a short talk given by Jessica Rey that somebody shared on Facebook, and that I quickly shared with my friend, trying to enforce my perfectly right opinion on her again.  In the video Jessica said, “Modesty isn’t about covering up our bodies because they’re bad, modesty isn’t about hiding ourselves… it’s about revealing our dignity.”  I was sure this would be the end and I could rest assured knowing my opinion rang truth.  She once again responded and pointed out the flaws in this woman’s thinking in the rest of the video and provided me with several resources of blogs I could read that had shaped her thinking on the topic of modesty.
    I was annoyed.  I did not like being wrong.  Yet…there was something about all of this that was not going away.  In my initial blogged response to the bikini article I ended by saying, “I will likely have more thoughts (likely not on this subject in particular) in the future."  I thought that had been the end of the story and my thoughts on modesty, but God clearly had another plan.

The First Couple
I have a strong conviction that modesty is not just about me, but about me and God.  I also strongly believe that if a woman desires to be married, that relationship is extended to include her husband (future or current). I say this because the first person we meet in Scripture is a man named Adam, who God quickly states will not do any well on his own, so He forms woman out of man.  Genesis is also quick to point out that not only shall a man leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they shall become one flesh, but it is also mentions that they were naked and not ashamed (Genesis 2:25).  The Bible does not need to point out either of these two latter things, yet it seemed relevant to assure readers that Adam and Woman had freedom to not wear anything and to not experience embarrassment over it.  That did not last long as shortly Adam and Woman ate the fruit the serpent tempted them to consume.  I find it interesting that the first ever story of sin makes us aware of the shame and guilt they experienced, specifically in their nakedness.  It is also fascinating to read on and see that the first physical act God took in caring for His loves was to replace the insufficient loincloths Adam and Woman, now Eve, had sewn together, and provide them with garments of skin (Genesis 3:21) even before He kicked them out of the garden.  This is all so intriguing to me because it seems to be setting up the hope of intimacy in marriage, only to show us the destruction and evil in the world that will come along to pervert one of the most wonderful gifts that God has offered to us.   The other thing it shows, however, is how much God still wants to marriage to be redeemed, and that intimacy and caring between a man and woman can be restored to something better than what they could create on their own.  This includes redeeming the way you dress, and actually questioning why you wear what you wear.

Stay tuned for pt.2!  In the meantime, think about it, share this around - get a conversation going about what modesty means beyond the clothing you put on in the morning.  It's so much more exciting than that.

of being driven crazy.

bear with me.  This is not about discipleship in Christian high schools, or modesty, or even about how to get a hole in one at mini golfing (which we all know I'm pro at.  Take me sometime, I'll show you up.  Or don't and save your pride.  Whatever. ;))

Two things are driving me crazy right now, and there must be a correlation.

Most of you know what I'm up to right now: finishing up some of my assignments for Redeemer and prepping to leave for SBS (School of Biblical Studies, more info on the right of your screen (view full version if you're on mobile!)) in 3 weeks.  Yup.  3.  That means in 3 weeks from today I'll be in Winnipeg with one of my dear friends (which I am super stoked about) and then 1 week after that I'll be sitting in my first SBS class in Lakeside.  Yup.  Leavin in 3, startin in 4.  Crazy.

But I'm just not quite sure where my heart is at.  I am completely excited somewhere in the depths of my being to learn more about Scripture, to spend 9 months reading that Book alone and to gain a better understanding of the story of Scripture and how my life today is a part of that story that started with just one perfect man and a bunch of animals in a garden.  Well, how it started with just one God who wanted to share His love with a creation He designed, really.  But here's the deal: I'm just not feelin it.  You know?  Like that feeling when you want to be excited from your toes to your nose.  That feeling that gives you tingling in the pit of your stomach.  That feeling that motivates you to go beyond who you are and accomplish something ridiculous.  That?  Yeah, that's just not there.

I just got home from a most wonderful 24(ish) hours away.  I went and attended a service at my friend's (my BFF, not just my F, so I should clarify) church, which was great.  The worship was real and message was honest, and it was just so good to be with her as shortly we'll part ways, both heading to YWAM, both looking forward just to what God is going to do.  We spent the night eating pizza and acting like 12 year old girls, laughing and chatting and giggling and squirming with delight.  It is so refreshing to spend time with good friends and to know you are totally comfortable in your own skin with that person (there's been a lot of that in the last 3 days.  It's been good).  I also just love spending time chatting with her family - they are likely one of the most respectable, honest and loving group of people (as much as it hasn't always been like that - God has done some seriously amazing things in their lives that is just so encouraging!) and they're always willing to listen as the Lord leads.  It's truly great to witness a family who is so intentional about following the Lord.  What a testimony of God's goodness!  I left that home with a sense of goodness, and the whole drive home I listened to some Jesus Culture and belted out nearly every tune very loud and very off key.  I was probably about halfway home when it hit me that I just wasn't feelin it.  I mean, last night I hadn't really been feelin it either.  It was a great service where I know God was present, and the music I was listening to now was some great worship - so how come I was doubting?  How come I was questioning where He could be?

As I continued to drive, now silent and in deep consideration of this, I began to realize some things.

Second driving-me-crazy thing.  I've been wrestling with desire, what it means and how it can be healthy.  Oftentimes attraction happens very quickly - it's like it sneaks in looking all smooth and good, but suddenly you realize what hit you and you just don't know how to deal.  Your feelings are bouncing off the walls and you can't control what is going on.  You beg God to take it away and you plead for the peace you'd only minutes ago been experiencing.  You question "why me!?  why now!?" and it only makes things worse.  You feel deeply and painfully as you consider the implications of taking action on the who who is drawing your attention, playing out the different scenarios in your minds eye, nearly all of which end up with you both on a white horse riding into the sunset.  You get back to begging and pleading and the frustration of not knowing the answer to your questions.

And I can't articulate what it is about this struggle that makes me feel there is a correlation between it and the non-feelings I have when considering my relationship with Christ.

After I got home I went into Starbucks to visit with my buxies (aka, the regulars), and I ran into a friend and her mom.  I asked how her summer was going and she proceeded to tell me stories, one in particular about being at camp and not feeling God.  It's not that she wasn't excited about being at camp and leading and worshiping - but there was just no feelings, no emotions.  She said this lasted for the first 4 days, and then suddenly it hit.  The presence.  The soul.  The overwhelming, blow-your-socks-off, crazy intense breath of Holy Spirit.

So what's the correlation between all of this?  If I knew, I would explain exactly what's going on, but I can't.  Not fully anyways.

If you are married you'll know the feeling, and if you are not married you've likely heard the story.  And that is that you don't always feel in love.  There are not always butterflies and rainbows and lollipops.  There is nothing that is knocking you over, and there are no horses and sunsets.  But more often in not, there is still a foundation.  And that foundation is what keeps you standing.  You know that you felt those things once.  You know that you made a commitment to love and cherish, for better or for worse.  You know that there are valleys, but there are also mountain tops.  You know that this stone heart is meant to be a heart of flesh.  You know there is something more to live for than what you feel.

And as I heard Kim Walker sing, "He is jealous for me," it hit me that hey - He is jealous for me.  He fights for me.  He longs for me.  He has my best interests at heart.  He knows my name.  He sees my next step.  He can't wait for me to wake up in the morning to spend the day with me.  He knows my every weakness.  He hurts when I hurt.  He desires me.  He is committed to loving and cherishing me, at my best and at my worst.

And not only does He do this for me, but He does it for you.

It's quite bizarre, when you think about it.  That this crazy God knows each of us by name.  He designed our quirks and oddities.  He thinks it's hilarious when you start every story with, "so I have a funny story."  He is so proud when you accomplish something new for the first time.  He's excited for you when there is nobody around to acknowledge that you just baked a cake (from scratch!) and it actually tastes good.  He knows your every longing and the desire that tries to hide in the corner of your heart.  He feels the pain you feel when you're confused and lonely.

And it is in those moments when He beckons.  When He whispers for you to come close.  When all He wants to do is hold His precious child close.

And I think that's what He is saying to me.  He wants me to be still, and He wants to calm these anxieties.  To take my desires and to wrestle with me.  To cry over hopes yet unreached.  To laugh at the days to come.  To wonder when that unique happiness will present itself.  To smile at the excitement of provision.

He's got some plan, He's had it from the beginning.  So rather than sit and stew and try to ignore the way I feel and don't feel, I'm just going to let it happen.  Because I know that in it, regardless of whether or not I feel it, He's there.  He's gotta be there.  He's always there.  Here.  Right now.  Watching me.  Moving my fingers to the next letter.  He's got me.  And all this is just a piece to the jigsaw puzzle of the testimony of my life.  What the picture actually looks like?  I have no idea.  But this is a part of it.

I don't know if I would call of this a thorn in the flesh, as Paul may refer to it, so much as an experience that pushes me to press in to what God wants to show me.  As John Piper says, "If you're crying out, 'Abba, help!' the Holy Spirit is witnessing with your spirit. You're the child of God, and you're being kept."

Mmmm.  Rest in that as you sink into your dreams tonight.

of belonging.

"if home is where the heart is, 

family is where the soul is."

This is something that I have been pondering a lot lately, and I thought I better explore it a bit more with you while it's very present in my mind.

I officially began my last first day of classes at Redeemer today.  I had been feeling increasingly overwhelmed when I considered these two weeks as it not only meant a lot of work, but it signifies the end of something that has become a staple in my summer for the past 2 years.  And when something ends, it's only a matter of time til something new begins, which brings with it immense amounts of excitement, but also heaps and piles and loads of tension.  Change is not something that any of us fully know how to embrace well, and as these 2 weeks of intensive class discussion, homework and excessive thinking began I can't help but consider what my future really holds.

Lately I have been finding myself longing for close, intimate relationship.  Every part of me wants, seemingly more than anything, to have someone come alongside and ask how I am doing, engage with my life with the same intensity I long to engage with theirs.  Someone who makes me heart flutter and feel alive with passion.  Someone who sees what God is doing in my life and gets more excited than me.  Someone who prays fierce prayers and holds me so tight I would sense them still there once they're long gone.  

Now I have wonderful friends who are very invested and care deeply for me, so when I say that lately I have been feeling the longing, I mean literally in the past couple of days, maybe weeks or so.  Every time I consider the unknown future is really when this starts to get to me.  It would be so easy to force this relationship out of someone - to appeal to their needs and let them appeal to mine.  However, I know this is something that is sneaking in because of the magnitude of what lies  before me.  God is continually calling me to trust what He has next - and as much as see that the tangible thing is SBS in Montana, I wonder and question and wrestle and argue and try to enlighten God with how I will get there.  Applying and getting accepted to SBS is opening up to be one of the most challenging experiences because there is so much not in my control.  And it is in this place of complete vulnerability that has the ability to distract me completely from the end goal (SBS) and place before me very appealing and quick fix opportunities.  In this case, the longing for intimate relationship.  NOW I don't mean to say that intimate relationship isn't something to hope for, because it most definitely is something wonderful to long for and hope for and dream and desire.  But I cannot force that to happen any more than I can take away this heat we're having.  That place of intimacy with that one other person isn't a place I can go forcefully on my own.  But the place I can go is to where I belong, and to the people who belong with me (not in an ownership or entitlement sense.  Try to track with me on this one).

You see I am starting to realize, more deeply than ever, that my family are those people who are where my soul is.  My soul lies in Christ, it is His forever - as am I.  If your soul is also rested in His, you are also there with me.  My life - your life - is secure and safe in the the Lord's hands.  My future is completely in His good, strong hands.  He is nothing less than perfect.  He desires nothing less than intimate relationship with us, and as much as that comes most obviously (not often or as a need) through a covenantal marriage relationship, that just isn't something that He's given me right now.  But He has given me family who is incredibly loving, honouring, understanding, and gracious (amongst many other wonderful things).  

So I put it to you: to Whom do you belong?

I am not saying that for you to come into the understanding that you first and foremost (above even those such as your husband, your best friend, your parents, your siblings) belong to Christ you will immediately have happy-go-lucky, joyful, sunshiney warm summer weather kind of days.  In fact when we are called into Christ's family we are guaranteed a life that will be hard.  Nonetheless, we are first and foremost called to belong.  

John 5:39-40 says, "You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life."

I am not saying that you shouldn't read your Bible to experience Jesus - but I am saying that some of us are so focused on the moralities or legalities of Christianity we miss out on the true freedom in Christ - a true sense of belonging.  How often do we really surrender our fears, hopes, dreams - our good, honest, honouring to Christ, wonderful dreams - to God?   How often do we just let ourselves *belong*.  Of course, this may come in the form of reading Scripture, and if so that is wonderfully ideal.  But for many of us it happens in song in our bedrooms, in moments of silence on a long walk, in that drive in our car while we're screaming at the rain or on the edge of the ocean on the verge of letting the waves swallow us up.  Whatever it is - let yourself belong.  Don't worry about the rest.  It will fall in line. 

Belonging to our Father who loves us deeply, who is intimately connected to our every twist and turn of our journey - that is not captivity, but utter freedom in a world that longs to drag us down, weary and worn and turn us into statistics of children who have fallen by the way side.  You deserve more than that.  You deserve to know that you are loved.  You are free.  You deserve to know that you belong.

Hope in the belonging.  See the others who are belonging with you - and not just that one other, but the family of others that is standing around you.  Look up.  Reach Out.  Hope in something beyond yourself.  Trust in the fact you belong.


Next is believing - but rest in the fact that you belong for a while.  Let that sink in.  Let that run deep.  Let that move you.  Don't rush the process.  As much as it's the struggle, this is what will ground you.  

I'm definitely with you on this one.

To Whom do you belong?