of belonging.

"if home is where the heart is, 

family is where the soul is."

This is something that I have been pondering a lot lately, and I thought I better explore it a bit more with you while it's very present in my mind.

I officially began my last first day of classes at Redeemer today.  I had been feeling increasingly overwhelmed when I considered these two weeks as it not only meant a lot of work, but it signifies the end of something that has become a staple in my summer for the past 2 years.  And when something ends, it's only a matter of time til something new begins, which brings with it immense amounts of excitement, but also heaps and piles and loads of tension.  Change is not something that any of us fully know how to embrace well, and as these 2 weeks of intensive class discussion, homework and excessive thinking began I can't help but consider what my future really holds.

Lately I have been finding myself longing for close, intimate relationship.  Every part of me wants, seemingly more than anything, to have someone come alongside and ask how I am doing, engage with my life with the same intensity I long to engage with theirs.  Someone who makes me heart flutter and feel alive with passion.  Someone who sees what God is doing in my life and gets more excited than me.  Someone who prays fierce prayers and holds me so tight I would sense them still there once they're long gone.  

Now I have wonderful friends who are very invested and care deeply for me, so when I say that lately I have been feeling the longing, I mean literally in the past couple of days, maybe weeks or so.  Every time I consider the unknown future is really when this starts to get to me.  It would be so easy to force this relationship out of someone - to appeal to their needs and let them appeal to mine.  However, I know this is something that is sneaking in because of the magnitude of what lies  before me.  God is continually calling me to trust what He has next - and as much as see that the tangible thing is SBS in Montana, I wonder and question and wrestle and argue and try to enlighten God with how I will get there.  Applying and getting accepted to SBS is opening up to be one of the most challenging experiences because there is so much not in my control.  And it is in this place of complete vulnerability that has the ability to distract me completely from the end goal (SBS) and place before me very appealing and quick fix opportunities.  In this case, the longing for intimate relationship.  NOW I don't mean to say that intimate relationship isn't something to hope for, because it most definitely is something wonderful to long for and hope for and dream and desire.  But I cannot force that to happen any more than I can take away this heat we're having.  That place of intimacy with that one other person isn't a place I can go forcefully on my own.  But the place I can go is to where I belong, and to the people who belong with me (not in an ownership or entitlement sense.  Try to track with me on this one).

You see I am starting to realize, more deeply than ever, that my family are those people who are where my soul is.  My soul lies in Christ, it is His forever - as am I.  If your soul is also rested in His, you are also there with me.  My life - your life - is secure and safe in the the Lord's hands.  My future is completely in His good, strong hands.  He is nothing less than perfect.  He desires nothing less than intimate relationship with us, and as much as that comes most obviously (not often or as a need) through a covenantal marriage relationship, that just isn't something that He's given me right now.  But He has given me family who is incredibly loving, honouring, understanding, and gracious (amongst many other wonderful things).  

So I put it to you: to Whom do you belong?

I am not saying that for you to come into the understanding that you first and foremost (above even those such as your husband, your best friend, your parents, your siblings) belong to Christ you will immediately have happy-go-lucky, joyful, sunshiney warm summer weather kind of days.  In fact when we are called into Christ's family we are guaranteed a life that will be hard.  Nonetheless, we are first and foremost called to belong.  

John 5:39-40 says, "You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life."

I am not saying that you shouldn't read your Bible to experience Jesus - but I am saying that some of us are so focused on the moralities or legalities of Christianity we miss out on the true freedom in Christ - a true sense of belonging.  How often do we really surrender our fears, hopes, dreams - our good, honest, honouring to Christ, wonderful dreams - to God?   How often do we just let ourselves *belong*.  Of course, this may come in the form of reading Scripture, and if so that is wonderfully ideal.  But for many of us it happens in song in our bedrooms, in moments of silence on a long walk, in that drive in our car while we're screaming at the rain or on the edge of the ocean on the verge of letting the waves swallow us up.  Whatever it is - let yourself belong.  Don't worry about the rest.  It will fall in line. 

Belonging to our Father who loves us deeply, who is intimately connected to our every twist and turn of our journey - that is not captivity, but utter freedom in a world that longs to drag us down, weary and worn and turn us into statistics of children who have fallen by the way side.  You deserve more than that.  You deserve to know that you are loved.  You are free.  You deserve to know that you belong.

Hope in the belonging.  See the others who are belonging with you - and not just that one other, but the family of others that is standing around you.  Look up.  Reach Out.  Hope in something beyond yourself.  Trust in the fact you belong.


Next is believing - but rest in the fact that you belong for a while.  Let that sink in.  Let that run deep.  Let that move you.  Don't rush the process.  As much as it's the struggle, this is what will ground you.  

I'm definitely with you on this one.

To Whom do you belong?

of the story so far.

For those of you who have followed this link thinking I'll be writing about the most fantastic band from my high school days, "The Story So Far" - you'll be tragically disappointed.  But if you're here, I invite you to stay and read what this is all about.  

I wrote this for the pancake breakfast I hosted - with the help of some most wonderful people!! - this past weekend.  It was a step in faith as I move towards getting to YWAM Montana this fall.  God definitely provided, and I look forward to how creative He'll continue to be!!  Until then, this was something I had posted for people to read after or before their pancakes, just to give more of an overview and fuller story as to why I'm heading to MT this fall.  This may be a bit repetitive of my last post, but bear with me (as you all do, very well :)  Enjoy.

Where I came from

Most of you know that this is the place where I grew up.  I was born to Frank and Karen Haveman on a frighteningly cold morning in January 1989.  I was brought home to their humble abode in Mapleview and showered with love by a big brother, Eli.  Shortly I was joined by a little brother, Caleb, and little sister (yes!!), Ali.  I was likely held by you in this church’s nursery, taught by you for Sunday School and GEMS in these classrooms, and did my profession of faith in front of you in this Sanctuary – all before the renovations, of course!  I was an on-again, off-again attendee of this church’s Youth Group, mainly attending the Youth Group at Ebenezer CRC.  I was a student first at Trenton Christian School and then Quinte Christian High School.  If you’re from this church, I grew up admiring your kids or being friends with your kids.  I attended the GEMS Get Connected Camp when I was 12 and again at 14.  I was a regular at Graphite Bible Camp from when I was 14 until I was 20.  I went to the All Ontario Youth Convention 3 out of my 4 high school years.  I encountered God for the first time when I was 16 on a SERVE trip to Kitchener, ON.  I discovered that I love to serve others and use my gifts – and that I had gifts! – on a trip to Halifax, NS.  It was in Halifax that week, where often I felt alone despite the room full of people, that I first felt God nudging me towards letting go of all myself – my hopes, my dreams, my desires and to let Him do something about those.  I didn’t know what that would look like and I had no idea how to get there or what that meant, but I had a funny feeling the Big Guy upstairs had a bit of a plan.

Where I went

In 2005 I met a girl who told me about a far away land full of music, dancing, laughter, and Jesus.  I was intrigued, and told myself that one day I would go there.  In 2007 God affirmed this in my life, and in August of 2008 I packed my bags and headed to Brisbane, Australia to take part in Youth With a Mission’s Beach to Bush Discipleship Training School (YWAM’s B2B DTS - for short, if you can remember that).  It was during this time that God really revealed Himself to me, opening my eyes to see that He pursues me, fights for me, wants the best for me.  He isn’t just some big, muscled man sitting on a throne somewhere in the clouds ready to smite me with a lightning bolt the second I make the wrong choice.  I’ve made countless wrong choices, and I’m somehow still here.  I found out that He was full of grace, forgiveness and love.  I realized that He speaks to me and I can hear Him.  I discovered that friendships go deeper than just talking about the cute boys, and that living in honesty and vulnerability is not only possible, but it’s the only way to live.  I spent 8 weeks in Japan with other B2B’ers serving in high school ministries and encouraging a small Christian church.  It was in Japan that I fell in love with learning how to love youth.  Something there sparked a fire in me that I had to give the love to them as much as the Father gives to me.  I loved their zest and enthusiasm for life, and I loved being able to love and challenge them in any way Holy Spirit would provide.  It was sometime while I was there that I realized what I should do when I got home to my favourite small town.

Where I came back to

After graduating from the B2B DTS in January 2009 I felt God gave me two options: I could stay in Brisbane and volunteer as a staff member (which I was asked to do by the Base Leader) or to come home and start my journey in youth ministry.  You would be correct in guessing that I chose to come home – partly out of fear of the financial commitment to be a staff member as I didn’t know how I felt about ‘raising my own funds.’  However, God has blessed my time here at home – even though when I returned it was right after the 2008 recession and there was no work to be found for nearly 8 months.  So I immediately dove in to the challenges and excitements of running the youth ministry at the church.  I visited QCHS twice a week and led Bible Studies.  I went back to Graphite Bible Camp and helped run their Teen Program for day camps.  It was after the summer that a door finally opened for me to have a “real paying” job, so I began scooping ice cream and selling chocolate.  I also started working a couple nights a week at the New Life Girls Home in Consecon.  I continued to run the Youth Ministry and visit QCHS.  A year later, after trips to Blue Jays Games, seeing youth draw nearer to Christ at the AOYC, starting the Youth Ministry Certificate Program at Redeemer University College, hearing youth worship the Lord with all their hearts at Kingdom Bound and having a lot of laughs with all the kids in between, I started a new “real paying” job as a waitress.  It was here God taught me the reality of serving Him, as I my title was actually “server.”  In February 2011 God, out of the blue, opened the door for me to serve on the AOYC Planning Team, and after prayerful consideration I took up the role of Reach Out Coordinator – a position that had never seen anyone lead before.  Through everything there was many times of joy and many moments of utter despair.  A year ago I was ready to give up and run out, but God, speaking through some of His people, (many who likely still have no idea), urged me to stay, and stay I did.

Where I am going next

In September 2012 I was [still] going at a pace of 200km/hr, working everyday from 7am-3pm, heading to Starbucks to sit on my laptop and do paperwork until 9pm, and spending nearly every weekend at a conference, meeting or other social function that demanded my attention.  I knew it was time for me to slow down, and so I began fading out some of those things that I thought needed me so badly, and instead focused in on transitioning away from everything.  I new if I didn’t begin to intentionally step away from everything that I was doing that I would too soon get so wrapped up in “Erika’s ministry” as opposed to “God’s Ministry”.  I didn’t know what would be next, but I felt that to work on transitioning away was the next step, and with that as my focus and with the Lord as my hope we began something new.  I scaled back the youth ministry nights realizing that without any other leaders it could not effectively be run, and focused more time and energy into developing the basics for a sustainable youth ministry program.  This was an administrative curveball I wasn’t expecting, and would not have gone so well without the immense grace of the people who have stepped up alongside of me.  It was somewhere around the start of these “Youth Ministry Board” meetings that I began to sense a reawakening of a desire I had had in early 2012.  I knew YWAM offered a program called the School of Biblical Studies (or SBS) where ‘all you did’ was read the Bible several times through over 9 months.  Originally I wanted to go because I wanted out of my life, so why not run?  But after researching and wishing, the desire to go suddenly left me.  Completely gone.  There was no ounce that wanted to go, but also no ounce that didn’t want to go.  There was palpable tension that had said, “not yet.”  So I waited, and eventually the desire arose again and after seeking out the advice and opinions of family and mentors I applied to the SBS in Montana, USA.  In hoping to get accepted I couldn’t help but continue to feel a stronger sense of calling to ministry.  It wasn’t that I was just abandoning all that God had set in motion, or that God was abandoning these things either, but that He was urging me to move forward with my foundation in Him and His word.  The more I work with youth and read the Bible, the less adequate I feel to teach Scripture.  “Ironically” one my final courses at Redeemer UC this summer is “Teaching Scripture” which will partner well with having the opportunity to read Scripture more than once in its entirety during the following 9 months.  Of course, I was accepted as you very well know, which meant a couple of things:
1: God was challenging me to do the “fundraising thing” – the exact reason why I never went back to work as a staff in Brisbane 4 years previous.  This is an area that holds a lot of tension for me, but I have constantly felt God asking me to trust Him with this and let Him use His people to help.  It has been an incredibly humbling experience and lesson in self-sufficiency – that we are always supposed to trust God with every aspect of our lives, specifically whether we have a “real paying” job or not.
2: I would actually have to leave everything behind to follow God for the year. My “real paying” job, the youth ministry, my friends, my family, the AOYC team, and my church family, were just a few things I would have to give away.  Over this past year God has opened so many doors in my life to allow so many people, more than I ever could have thought, to enter it.  It has made me feel richly blessed, and both affirms and makes me question why He is calling me away to the SBS at this time.  There have been so many good things that have happened in this church over the past year that make me want to stay to see what happens (if you’ve been missing out, by the way, it’s not too late to be a part of it!)  I can only hope that in a year’s time the Lord will bring me back to this place, and if He doesn’t I will need to trust that He’s got this place and me safely in His hands, and He’s looking out for the best for us.

Where YOU fit in

If you’ve made it this far, you need to know you’ve fit through this entire story.  Maybe it’s been a smile, maybe it’s been a short conversation, maybe it’s been a day of laughter and tears.  Likely it’s been all of those things.  All the places I have been were great, but they would not have been shaping and molding to my life if it were not for people like YOU who were there, being a part of these things.  I could not have done any of this life without your prayers, your encouragement, your support, or your smile.  I would not be as full of joy if it wasn’t for the conversations with you (and in many cases your beautiful little ones!) and time you’ve taken to invest your life into mine.  From the day I entered the world until this moment, countless lives have breathed life into mine – and yours is one of them.  From the deepest, most bottom, fullest place of my heart I want to say thank you.  You have done so much, you have abided so well in Christ, you have been so humble and obedient to our God that I have no doubt He is smiling like crazy, longing for the day when He can embrace you and say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”  Thank YOU for being you.  I wouldn’t want it any other way.