of finding an escape

If trust was supposed to be easy, it'd be like eating black raspberry vanilla ice cream on a hot summer's day.  But actually it's more running through tunnels, dodging giant wasps, swimming across rivers, hopping over puddles, climbing trees to get frisbees down, and tippy toeing over burning sand really fast...then getting the black raspberry vanilla ice cream...on a hot summer's day.

You know what I'm saying?

If I've ever struggled to trust, it's now.  If I ever thought I had gotten to point of being "good" at trusting...it's most certainly not today.  It feels like this past week has passed in a bit of a daze.

Here's the big news you've all been waiting for (drum roll please): 

I'm moving to Montana.

Yup, that's it.  You are likely curious to know more, but that's just too bad.

No that was a joke - that would be crazy.  "Erika? With no extra words to say and no lengthy explanation!?" That would be crazy.

So for some time now I've felt a stronger call to ministry, likely youth related, and as I've spent the past year learning self care, balance and focusing on only a couple of ministries I've come to realize that my knowledge is just not where it should be if I want to and am possibly called to spend the rest of my life ministering from the Word of God.  I need to know where I stand on certain issues; I need to know who the Bible says God is; I need to know the history of Scripture so as to better understand what it means; I need to stop talking out context and start sharing the right content.  With keeping all this in mind I began looking around into my different options.  I considered attending somewhere like Tyndale in Toronto and taking a couple OT Theology or NT Theology classes or some hermeneutics, and after talking to a couple friends I felt pretty encouraged to do so.  However, the whole time in the back of my mind was something I had looked into over a year ago and that was the School of Biblical Studies (SBS) within Youth With a Mission (YWAM).  Now, when I first looked into this it was because all I wanted do was RUN from ministry.  I was frustrated and broken and annoyed and lonely.  Ministry had run me into the ground so I was determined to distance myself from it.  However after several months of checking and rechecking the YWAM Montana website I finally talked it out with my dad.  There were a few tears.  He wasn't really for it, but he wasn't against it.  I let the idea rest for a while - likely because I was way too busy to check and recheck again (my life was chaos.  That thing that singles do to forget about being single?  Yup, I was all over it...for like 4 single people).  Finally one day I found some time to check out YWAM Montana's SBS program...and I found that there was desire to go.  It was totally gone.  Nothing was left.  That same afternoon I went to meet with my Pastor to convince him that I was running out because I was so done.  But as I was talking I felt their was no real passion or conviction to attending this school.  And it didn't take me long to realize that leaving would be likely the dumbest thing I would have ever done.  I would be abandoning a heck of a lot of stuff, and it wasn't that I should leave it all, it was that I needed to find my own internal balance and realize that serving God didn't mean burning myself out.  It also meant coming to realization that no matter how many fantastic ways to serve Jesus I put into my life, it wouldn't fill that space inside my heart that was deeply lonely.  This all happened right before I headed off to Redeemer last summer - where one of my courses spent almost the entire week (8 hrs, 5 days, homework every night!) on self care.  SELF CARE!  Guess God knew what He was doing eh?

Anyways.  My year was thereafter spent, as I said before, finding balance.  I let go of some responsibilities and I chose the things that I would focus on.  I also felt that I needed to spend the year working on transitioning away from the church ministry that I had been leading.  I knew that summer 2013 would be my final summer at Redeemer (where I've been working on a Certificate in Youth Ministry for the past 3 summers) and I also knew that I would be ready (or so I thought) to find a full time job in ministry, and as my church doesn't have the ability to hire a full time youth Pastor, I knew I would be likely be on my way out of my home church by the end of summer 2013.  So as I began working on transitioning away (wondering all the while what that meant and what would be next) I found myself thinking more about SBS.  I did some research into it.  I talked to the guys at work about it (which was safe...they don't really understand why I would want to study the Bible for 9 months, but they are always willing to listen - and I knew it wouldn't go beyond work).  I thought.  I prayed.  I talked to my parents about it.  I thought and prayed some more.  I talked to my Pastor and my Mentor.  I shared with some friends who I volunteer in ministry with.  I thought and prayed more.  Finally I just did it - I applied.  I applied on the basis that I would need to trust God with the outcome.

And then, after unofficially getting in, more thinking and praying - I officially got in.

And here I am.  freaking. out.  AKA learning that there is so much more to trust than just ONE thing.  

You know so often I find that I trust God with one little area.  "Oh I trust He'll bring me a husband when His timing is right."  Yup, it's true.  Can't say there aren't days when I wish there was somebody I could fall back to and have reassure me, tell me their proud of me and that they love me.  But those days happen a lot less often than they used to.  I could likely, by the grace of God alone, count those days on less than 2 hands in the past 10-12 months.  This wasn't because I wanted to, but because God just had other things for me.  There were other things to focus on, and they weren't things that I was allowing to fill that lonely place.  God was filling that place, and I was letting Him.  He is Grace.

BUT - I can trust God with that area now because I have seen Him come through for me there.  There are a billion other areas where I don't trust, whatsoever.  And it is in this place where I currently am.

It's not just that I have to trust God with finances for the school in the fall, I have to trust He'll somehow provide for me this summer when there are payments that need to be made with money I do not have.  Fundraising or asking for support this directly is not something I ever thought I would have to do.  When I did my Discipleship Training School (DTS) with YWAM I was discouraged by family to fundraise - because hey, who wants to pay for someone else to go to school?  That's just not okay.  "We're dutch.  We work hard for our money, and our hard earned cash stays in our pockets.  Oh except the 10% that goes to the church.  Right!"  Sorry if that was harsh, and I think we've come a long way from actually thinking like this...but I've said this a few times lately to fantastically dutch people and have gotten a few laughs, which to me affirms that I'm not too far off track.  But anyways, after I came out of YWAM hugely in debt because I trusted in myself and a bank opposed to God (I saw God come through for people in crazy ways while on my DTS.  I never opened the door to let Him try with me as I continued to trust in that student line of credit limit.)  Since DTS nearly 5 years ago I have encouraged several students that I've worked with to do a DTS of their own as it's not 6 months you'll waste (trust me!  If you are 18 or so and have no idea what you want to do, come talk to me...I'll refer you somewhere for a DTS!  If all else fails...you can go somewhere SWEET in the world!!) and the only other thing I've encouraged them to do besides doing the DTS was to fundraise for it.  It was the only thing I regretted not doing, as I spent nearly 4 years working on paying back that loan (thanks to no work, and then not full time work to a waitressing job, and of course there's normal life things to pay for like car payments, insurance, donating, etc...).  And once I paid back that loan I ran into an unfortunate and unexpected financial bump that set me back again.  Anyways...all that to say I wasn't actually expecting to go back into YWAM, so I never actually expected to be in a position where I would have to take my own medicine.  And it is extremely humbling.  It's really hard to look to the future and see that you can't provide for yourself.  You don't have the time or ability.  It's so hard to trust that God will provide for every area.  It's like there's one of those fill in the blank paintings in front of me - you know, the ones where there's a number and you have to put the corresponding paint colour to the number?  It's like that's in front of me and I have the brush and I know the colours and where they need to go...but I don't actually have the paint.  God's got it.  And I just need to wait for him to pass them to me when He's ready.

The flip side of it all (or maybe it's the same side?) is that it is so easy to look to other people to provide and therein face more fear and possibility of discouragement as opposed to just letting God provide through them.  There's a line between asking people for money and asking people for support...and I think I'm working on figuring that out.  And it's scary.  And it takes a lot of trust.  

I had a bit of a freak out earlier, and when I get scared I run.  (Which is another reason I knew doing SBS last year wouldn't of worked because I knew even then I was just running from my burnt out-ed-ness and that wasn't okay.)  So today I just got home from my future sister-in-law's bridal shower, and I got in my car and drove.  And drove.  Something else happened this morning that triggered all the emotions and denial I've been experiencing over this whole doing SBS thing.  I'm a verbal processor, and I haven't really processed being accepted to SBS and all that means and yet I'm telling people and other people are telling people and I'm being asked about it.  And that was draining me and pushing me to the edge.  I have a tendency to think nobody will care to listen as I verbally explode, and this also stems from a trust issue.  I don't trust that there is anyone who 1. will care to ask. 2. will care to listen. 3. will care to just keep it to themselves.  And this often puts me in a bind because then things like this happen...it's all bottling up and finally explodes.  I didn't explode on anyone this time, so I think I should get some points for that.  But as I drove I eventually got back around into town and stopped near the river there.  I wrote a list of all the areas I need to trust - this list is specifically for this summer, but I have a slight feeling once this summer is over and I've seen how God has come through it won't be like I'll be done with it, got my A+ and diploma and can leave that lesson behind.  I think it will only get more challenging. And it likely will.  But God will have prepared me for that.  He's really all that matters, and no matter if things work out the way I hope they will or not, I will need to trust Him.  I am pretty sure He feeds the sparrows and clothes the lillies...I think He cares for me too?  I know He does - in my heart and my mind I know this.  It doesn't always make it easier.  It's nearly exactly like the song, "Be My Escape" by Relient K (classic, btw).  I can 100% relate to all the lyrics right now, but what really gets me is the pre-chorus:

I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and I've been locked inside that house
all the while You hold the key
and I've been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
 and even though, there's no way of knowing where to go
I promise I'm going [because]

I could really write the whole song out and explain just why the entire song is so fit to where I am, but I won't.  But this wraps up where I'm at.  I don't know where I'm going - or how I'm getting there - but I'm going.  I am full of fear, and I'm locked there with it.  Only God can get me out of this mess.  There's no one else and there's no other how to it.  I have to get out of this - this mess, this lack of trust.  And God is my only escape to all of it.  It doesn't even matter what exactly the future holds because I am not the one who holds it.  It only matters that I trust God with where I'm going - I step and see if the ice is solid, and most certainly hope if it wasn't that the pond isn't too deep and freezing.  And hey, if it is, I have no doubt that God's right there ready to pull me into a hug that will thaw out the deep freeze I've just experienced.  Then He'll show me where the ice is thick enough to get across.  

Whew.  This was almost like verbal processing.

Here's my first step in asking for support.  Please pray for the following areas as I wrestle with them and work on trusting God with them.  Your prayers are worth more than you could ever know.  Even tonight I prayed for someone to say they were proud of me.  But as my parents don't say this, and none of my friends ever express this, (I can recall the last person, place and weekend that I was last told "I am so proud of you" and knew they really meant it that it moved my heart to tears) I wasn't expectant.  However, my mom got home from church shortly after I got home from my drive and was in tears.  She went on to say how much she loves that I love the Lord, and how I know what matters, and that she is proud.  Those weren't her exact words (there was a lot of high pitched crying), but it moved my heart in the same way it did the last time.  God answered.  I know He is good.  How can He not be?  But it's still hard to trust...so please pray as I ask you to trust with me.  Here's my list:

TRUST
- that SBS is what's next for me, "the right thing"
- that I am called to full time youth ministry
- finances for SBS
- finances for summer
- that somebody will step in to lead the Youth Board [at my church that I've been working on all year with a group people]
- for youth to sign up for Summer Service Week [my final hurrah of youth ministry at my church before leaving in September]
- that I'm "good" enough

That's the list.  I am feeling a little vulnerable writing that, so thank you for reading this, and thank you for being sensitive.  I so, so appreciate you prayers, and I look forward to continuing on sharing my heart with you!

of bikini season

First - I'm working on changing blog sites.  Xanga has been fabulous (if you want to check out what I've been writing for the past couple of years, click here), but I've been considering switching to something a little more reliable and known, where you don't have to be a member to comment or respond, so as to open up better lines of communication (if that is so desired.)  I value response, so please, say things!


To the thoughts.

so I usually don't write in response to other articles I've read, but recently I saw an article posted on Facebook by one of my friends entitled, "The Bikini Question."  If you don't feel like reading it, that's okay, but the gist of it was suggesting - as many of you ladies have likely heard thousands of times - that we shouldn't dress provocatively, or in this case, wear bikini's, because it is part of our job to honour the guys we are around and to not tempt them.

Now, at the core, a part of me agrees.  The other part of me cringes because I know I hear it with my teenage mind, and until recently my adult female mind, because I am so sick of the argument that tells me I can't wear something because it will tempt a man.  I know there are good intentions, but it's a surface argument that has been overused and has lost its potency.  So let's stop using it, and try and delve a bit deeper, because as we all know habits don't change because someone argues a point well.  Habits change because Holy Spirit moves something in our spirit, and whispers that we belong to someOne more who wants something more for us.

This is a part of my journey.  I haven't perfected it, but it's moving forward.

Last summer I convinced a beautiful young lady to buy a bikini for the first time.  As her mentor [figure...friend...person...], and being a Christian, I think she thought I was a little crazy.  Maybe rightly so.  However, I will always be r FOR (as in pro) you getting comfortable in your own physical skin - not to say to get there you should traipse around in the nude, but it's okay to get comfy and I am all for compromising your comfortability (not just referencing what you wear, here) and believe in pushing yourself to break through your fears, and in doing so deepening who you are (side note: I'm making a list for the summer of all the things that scare me to do, and I plan on doing them this summer!  I'll let you know how that goes).

Anyways, it was shortly after this that I had a conversation with a dear friend whom I admire, and it was about a little revelation she had whilst bathing suit shopping with her husband.  She had tried on a cute suit that accented her...upper body...and she liked it.  She felt good.  She looked good.  Her husband thought so too.  And for that reason, he didn't want her to buy it.  His reasoning was that men have a hard enough time on the beach keeping their eyes focused on their own wives, why would the respectable wives of those men (who want to have eyes for their wife alone) wear something that not only would openly distract other men (which ultimately was the base argument we are trying to move on from), but also disrespect other women?  

My thoughts moved on from there and later I got thinking about it.  And by later I mean a week or 2 later when I was heading to the beach in my sundress with my fantastically stylish bikini underneath, with the body I'd been working hard for for months.  That's when it hit me.  I didn't know if I was comfortable taking off that dress to fully bask in that wonderfully hot sun.  Suddenly I was aware of all the husbands (not men or boys, quite yet) that were around me.  Then I thought about their wives.  All of a sudden it wasn't that I wasn't comfortable in my own skin, but my eyes were opened to the fact that yes, men see me.

Of course this has roots in a deeper issue I've recently discovered which is still a little confusing to me.  I know God desires me, and I am totally comfortable with me (still talking a physical level) - but a huge part of my believes that men just don't find me desirable.  I've never had a boyfriend, and over the past year I've gotten way more peace about that.  I'm happy in singleness in ways that I never thought possible, and I am so grateful for that journey the Lord has brought me on, and continues to walk me through.

BUT for the first time in pretty much ever I was aware that men might look at me and find me *distracting*. And not just single men, but married men.  And I can't say I wanted that - I wanted their eyes to be for their ladies - and I am sure their ladies felt the same way.

Side note: ladies, just for the record when men say, "I do" there eyes don't just stop seeing all the other women out there and only see you.  Sure he does only want to see you, but reality dictates this doesn't happen.

That said (I guess it wasn't really a side note) I want to work on respecting other husbands by wearing things that don't reveal quite as much as I used to.  And by other husbands I want to try and make you see that this means all men, really.  Most men are currently husbands, want to one day be a husband, or have been a husband.  For those that don't fall under these categories - well they're the ones that you don't want to appeal to anyways.

Beyond respecting the Mr., if that's still sounding like the same old argument to you, I want you to respect the Mrs.

Ladies who have a boyfriend or a husband: do you want your man to have eyes for only you?  Then allow your best friends man to have eyes for only her. (this applies to the whole 'loving your enemies' thing too!!!)  You see what I'm saying here?  Don't get all upset with your man when he's checking out the babes down the beach in the skimpy bikini's when you've got the latest Victoria's Secret "Beach Sexy Push Up Halter and Ruched Low Rise Hipkini Bottom."  Goodness.  And don't tell me it's never happened...I know I'm guilty of seeing the speck in her eye when I've got a plank in my own.  In fact, after I had this realization and this something sparked inside of me - that ruined me, by the way.  The rest of my time camping was spent in sundresses and tank tops because I no longer felt the need to wear anything less.  It bummed me out at first because my thoughts went like this (this was the general convo between me and Holy Spirit):
me- but I want to wear a bikini!!!
HS- and why do you want to wear a bikini?
me- so I can tan my stomach
HS- well who sees your stomach after it's been tanned?
me- .....me?

It wasn't a really convincing argument, and I lost with a scowl.  But that was really my only reason for wearing a bikini.  And as is typical, once Holy Spirit open your eyes to seeing something in you He wants to change, it's hard to fight it and get back to the way things were without feeling totally guilty every time.  So hey, I fell in to being covered up most of the time, and when I wasn't, I felt so exposed.  I felt disrespectful of the women around me who were wives or wives to be - and again, as I use the term wife don't just think I'm taking to the already married women, I continue to talk to all women who also one day desire to be a wives which is nearly every female that I know.  And if you desire to be single, you'll likely be aware of ways you can respect wives all around you - this hopefully being one of them.  But know that with being a wife comes certain responsibilities.  And if you desire to be a wife, think about how you are actually preparing for it.  You don't just wake up one day and decide to be a nurse, walk into a hospital and try your luck with the needle do you?  No, you apply to college, you study, you write a test, you apply for jobs, you be a nurse.  Why do we think that being a wife - a most honourable and respectable position - should deserve anything less?  One way you can prepare to be a wife is to honour the other wives around you now by dressing as you would want other women to dress so as to respect you.  

Now I don't want this all coming across as I'm all high and mighty and I run around in long frocks with high necks, because yeah, that would be a joke.  But for much of the past year I've come to think, when I'm dressing, "would I be comfortable wearing this if it was just me and a married man alone somewhere in conversation?"  And if the answer is no I'll take some extra precaution - like throw the tank top on underneath to avoid cleavage or put on spandex in case the wind blows my skirt up (this has definitely saved me at least once, by the way).  Still dress in ways that are stylish - you are allowed to look good!  But is the way your dressing respecting not only yourself but your sisters in Christ?  And again - just recently (this is the 'in fact' I meant to get into earlier) I realized that I've done a terrible job at practicing what I preach when it comes to bikini's.  Most Saturday nights I spend with my best friend and our guy friends (all unmarried).  It's always a fabulous time, and will almost always include a round or two of Wizard (in which I dominate...or try to...) followed by fantastic conversation in my best friend's family hot tub.  Sounds great right?  Well what do I wear every Saturday night in that hot tub?  A bikini.  Yup, I've been a running-full-speed-ahead-hypocrite all year.  It didn't hit me til a couple weeks ago when another friend of ours, who doesn't usually come out to Saturday nights with us, decided to join.  And he's married.  I've known him forever, but suddenly when this real life husband came on the scene all my thoughts and awareness came tumbling back and it was like the smudge was cleared off my glasses and I saw clearly how much of a fool I have been.  Of course on the flip side since I've never even considered that those guys I hang out with would think I'm attractive you can see why it never really hit me earlier.  But now that it's hit me, I've been Google searching cute swimsuits and tankini's like no other, because this summer, that's what I'll be wearing (or I'll stick to the dresses and tank tops since I have lots of those, and really no money to buy more swimwear).

I hope I haven't sounded to wishy washy or same-same, but I want you to think beyond the "don't tempt guys to sin" thing, and think about the respect level you are showing yourself by respecting that wife and her husband, and in turn respecting your own husband (or yet to be).  You see how this does come full circle, right?

Whether you are a wife or want to one day be a wife, you want your husbands eyes to only be for you, am I right?  Likely they will be, and he will always love and cherish you more (I pray) that you can ask or imagine.  But your husband will always be a man, and that means he is a visual being.  He has a hard enough time keeping his eyes just on you on the beach - sure he may want to "show you off" but to what end is that?  How is that humble?  Selfless?  Caring?  Honourable?  Respectful?  I know the whole "if you've got it, flaunt it" thing, but at what cost?  Again, how is that any of those things?

You may have noticed that near the beginning when I first began to realize this stuff I said that for the first time I felt that I might be *distracting*.  I want this to be, really, the final thing I touch on.  Do you want to be someone who is distractive or attractive?  Because it seems to me that a lot of the times we do things to distract as opposed to attract.  Distract suggests short term, whimsical, half hearted.  Attract suggests something that will last long term, has devotion and is done whole heartedly.  You don't marry someone because you are distracted by them - you marry someone because you are attracted by them and to them.  Does that make sense?


I don't know, if I don't stop writing now I will just start talking in circles.  And no, I don't expect you to step back and say, "Erika you are so right, I won't wear bikini's anymore" because I fully do not expect that.  But I pray God moves something in you to start having revelations of your own about who you are, your value and your value to your [future] husband.  Essentially this whole thought was something God revealed to me about something I was doing.  Maybe you won't get there soon, or maybe it's not something He'll ever bring to light for you, but if you're a single girl or a Mrs. and you've wrestled with this, then be a part of this miniscule but powerful revolution to being respectful of the wife next to you whether she's got the ring or not.  

Hmm.  That's enough.  I will have more thoughts (likely not on this subject in particular) some time in the near future.  I finish up my Redeemer courses this summer, so I'm pretty busy in the next month with homework for that.  BUT stay tuned - if you don't know my big news yet, I'll be happy to share it here soon!!