of bikini season

First - I'm working on changing blog sites.  Xanga has been fabulous (if you want to check out what I've been writing for the past couple of years, click here), but I've been considering switching to something a little more reliable and known, where you don't have to be a member to comment or respond, so as to open up better lines of communication (if that is so desired.)  I value response, so please, say things!


To the thoughts.

so I usually don't write in response to other articles I've read, but recently I saw an article posted on Facebook by one of my friends entitled, "The Bikini Question."  If you don't feel like reading it, that's okay, but the gist of it was suggesting - as many of you ladies have likely heard thousands of times - that we shouldn't dress provocatively, or in this case, wear bikini's, because it is part of our job to honour the guys we are around and to not tempt them.

Now, at the core, a part of me agrees.  The other part of me cringes because I know I hear it with my teenage mind, and until recently my adult female mind, because I am so sick of the argument that tells me I can't wear something because it will tempt a man.  I know there are good intentions, but it's a surface argument that has been overused and has lost its potency.  So let's stop using it, and try and delve a bit deeper, because as we all know habits don't change because someone argues a point well.  Habits change because Holy Spirit moves something in our spirit, and whispers that we belong to someOne more who wants something more for us.

This is a part of my journey.  I haven't perfected it, but it's moving forward.

Last summer I convinced a beautiful young lady to buy a bikini for the first time.  As her mentor [figure...friend...person...], and being a Christian, I think she thought I was a little crazy.  Maybe rightly so.  However, I will always be r FOR (as in pro) you getting comfortable in your own physical skin - not to say to get there you should traipse around in the nude, but it's okay to get comfy and I am all for compromising your comfortability (not just referencing what you wear, here) and believe in pushing yourself to break through your fears, and in doing so deepening who you are (side note: I'm making a list for the summer of all the things that scare me to do, and I plan on doing them this summer!  I'll let you know how that goes).

Anyways, it was shortly after this that I had a conversation with a dear friend whom I admire, and it was about a little revelation she had whilst bathing suit shopping with her husband.  She had tried on a cute suit that accented her...upper body...and she liked it.  She felt good.  She looked good.  Her husband thought so too.  And for that reason, he didn't want her to buy it.  His reasoning was that men have a hard enough time on the beach keeping their eyes focused on their own wives, why would the respectable wives of those men (who want to have eyes for their wife alone) wear something that not only would openly distract other men (which ultimately was the base argument we are trying to move on from), but also disrespect other women?  

My thoughts moved on from there and later I got thinking about it.  And by later I mean a week or 2 later when I was heading to the beach in my sundress with my fantastically stylish bikini underneath, with the body I'd been working hard for for months.  That's when it hit me.  I didn't know if I was comfortable taking off that dress to fully bask in that wonderfully hot sun.  Suddenly I was aware of all the husbands (not men or boys, quite yet) that were around me.  Then I thought about their wives.  All of a sudden it wasn't that I wasn't comfortable in my own skin, but my eyes were opened to the fact that yes, men see me.

Of course this has roots in a deeper issue I've recently discovered which is still a little confusing to me.  I know God desires me, and I am totally comfortable with me (still talking a physical level) - but a huge part of my believes that men just don't find me desirable.  I've never had a boyfriend, and over the past year I've gotten way more peace about that.  I'm happy in singleness in ways that I never thought possible, and I am so grateful for that journey the Lord has brought me on, and continues to walk me through.

BUT for the first time in pretty much ever I was aware that men might look at me and find me *distracting*. And not just single men, but married men.  And I can't say I wanted that - I wanted their eyes to be for their ladies - and I am sure their ladies felt the same way.

Side note: ladies, just for the record when men say, "I do" there eyes don't just stop seeing all the other women out there and only see you.  Sure he does only want to see you, but reality dictates this doesn't happen.

That said (I guess it wasn't really a side note) I want to work on respecting other husbands by wearing things that don't reveal quite as much as I used to.  And by other husbands I want to try and make you see that this means all men, really.  Most men are currently husbands, want to one day be a husband, or have been a husband.  For those that don't fall under these categories - well they're the ones that you don't want to appeal to anyways.

Beyond respecting the Mr., if that's still sounding like the same old argument to you, I want you to respect the Mrs.

Ladies who have a boyfriend or a husband: do you want your man to have eyes for only you?  Then allow your best friends man to have eyes for only her. (this applies to the whole 'loving your enemies' thing too!!!)  You see what I'm saying here?  Don't get all upset with your man when he's checking out the babes down the beach in the skimpy bikini's when you've got the latest Victoria's Secret "Beach Sexy Push Up Halter and Ruched Low Rise Hipkini Bottom."  Goodness.  And don't tell me it's never happened...I know I'm guilty of seeing the speck in her eye when I've got a plank in my own.  In fact, after I had this realization and this something sparked inside of me - that ruined me, by the way.  The rest of my time camping was spent in sundresses and tank tops because I no longer felt the need to wear anything less.  It bummed me out at first because my thoughts went like this (this was the general convo between me and Holy Spirit):
me- but I want to wear a bikini!!!
HS- and why do you want to wear a bikini?
me- so I can tan my stomach
HS- well who sees your stomach after it's been tanned?
me- .....me?

It wasn't a really convincing argument, and I lost with a scowl.  But that was really my only reason for wearing a bikini.  And as is typical, once Holy Spirit open your eyes to seeing something in you He wants to change, it's hard to fight it and get back to the way things were without feeling totally guilty every time.  So hey, I fell in to being covered up most of the time, and when I wasn't, I felt so exposed.  I felt disrespectful of the women around me who were wives or wives to be - and again, as I use the term wife don't just think I'm taking to the already married women, I continue to talk to all women who also one day desire to be a wives which is nearly every female that I know.  And if you desire to be single, you'll likely be aware of ways you can respect wives all around you - this hopefully being one of them.  But know that with being a wife comes certain responsibilities.  And if you desire to be a wife, think about how you are actually preparing for it.  You don't just wake up one day and decide to be a nurse, walk into a hospital and try your luck with the needle do you?  No, you apply to college, you study, you write a test, you apply for jobs, you be a nurse.  Why do we think that being a wife - a most honourable and respectable position - should deserve anything less?  One way you can prepare to be a wife is to honour the other wives around you now by dressing as you would want other women to dress so as to respect you.  

Now I don't want this all coming across as I'm all high and mighty and I run around in long frocks with high necks, because yeah, that would be a joke.  But for much of the past year I've come to think, when I'm dressing, "would I be comfortable wearing this if it was just me and a married man alone somewhere in conversation?"  And if the answer is no I'll take some extra precaution - like throw the tank top on underneath to avoid cleavage or put on spandex in case the wind blows my skirt up (this has definitely saved me at least once, by the way).  Still dress in ways that are stylish - you are allowed to look good!  But is the way your dressing respecting not only yourself but your sisters in Christ?  And again - just recently (this is the 'in fact' I meant to get into earlier) I realized that I've done a terrible job at practicing what I preach when it comes to bikini's.  Most Saturday nights I spend with my best friend and our guy friends (all unmarried).  It's always a fabulous time, and will almost always include a round or two of Wizard (in which I dominate...or try to...) followed by fantastic conversation in my best friend's family hot tub.  Sounds great right?  Well what do I wear every Saturday night in that hot tub?  A bikini.  Yup, I've been a running-full-speed-ahead-hypocrite all year.  It didn't hit me til a couple weeks ago when another friend of ours, who doesn't usually come out to Saturday nights with us, decided to join.  And he's married.  I've known him forever, but suddenly when this real life husband came on the scene all my thoughts and awareness came tumbling back and it was like the smudge was cleared off my glasses and I saw clearly how much of a fool I have been.  Of course on the flip side since I've never even considered that those guys I hang out with would think I'm attractive you can see why it never really hit me earlier.  But now that it's hit me, I've been Google searching cute swimsuits and tankini's like no other, because this summer, that's what I'll be wearing (or I'll stick to the dresses and tank tops since I have lots of those, and really no money to buy more swimwear).

I hope I haven't sounded to wishy washy or same-same, but I want you to think beyond the "don't tempt guys to sin" thing, and think about the respect level you are showing yourself by respecting that wife and her husband, and in turn respecting your own husband (or yet to be).  You see how this does come full circle, right?

Whether you are a wife or want to one day be a wife, you want your husbands eyes to only be for you, am I right?  Likely they will be, and he will always love and cherish you more (I pray) that you can ask or imagine.  But your husband will always be a man, and that means he is a visual being.  He has a hard enough time keeping his eyes just on you on the beach - sure he may want to "show you off" but to what end is that?  How is that humble?  Selfless?  Caring?  Honourable?  Respectful?  I know the whole "if you've got it, flaunt it" thing, but at what cost?  Again, how is that any of those things?

You may have noticed that near the beginning when I first began to realize this stuff I said that for the first time I felt that I might be *distracting*.  I want this to be, really, the final thing I touch on.  Do you want to be someone who is distractive or attractive?  Because it seems to me that a lot of the times we do things to distract as opposed to attract.  Distract suggests short term, whimsical, half hearted.  Attract suggests something that will last long term, has devotion and is done whole heartedly.  You don't marry someone because you are distracted by them - you marry someone because you are attracted by them and to them.  Does that make sense?


I don't know, if I don't stop writing now I will just start talking in circles.  And no, I don't expect you to step back and say, "Erika you are so right, I won't wear bikini's anymore" because I fully do not expect that.  But I pray God moves something in you to start having revelations of your own about who you are, your value and your value to your [future] husband.  Essentially this whole thought was something God revealed to me about something I was doing.  Maybe you won't get there soon, or maybe it's not something He'll ever bring to light for you, but if you're a single girl or a Mrs. and you've wrestled with this, then be a part of this miniscule but powerful revolution to being respectful of the wife next to you whether she's got the ring or not.  

Hmm.  That's enough.  I will have more thoughts (likely not on this subject in particular) some time in the near future.  I finish up my Redeemer courses this summer, so I'm pretty busy in the next month with homework for that.  BUT stay tuned - if you don't know my big news yet, I'll be happy to share it here soon!!