of hoping for mystery. {part one}

As many of you are aware I've been wrestling with the concept of modesty for the past several months.  It was a happy coincidence that the assignment for my final paper in my Teaching Scripture class this past summer was basically, "choose a topic and write about what the Bible says about it."  It took me a couple days to think of something, and when I did I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it earlier.  Of course I should look at modesty.  I'd only been having conversations with everyone I came in contact with about the subject!  I continued to seek out people's thoughts and wisdom, I read countless blogs and of course I got in to Scripture.  I won't say much as I'll be posting my final thoughts in a few different increments and I don't want to give it all away in this intro, but I will say, for the record, when you type in "modest" into your search bar at Bible Gateway you get back 2 results (if you've searched with the NIV).  They are the following:

1. "...and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty,..." - 1 Corinthians 12:23.  This text is taken from the passage that's talking about unity and diversity in the body of Christ, and how each member has a certain role to play.  In it Paul is trying to make a point that everybody has a role to play in the Church, big or small, seemingly strong or seemingly weak, all have value.  His comparison is to our physical bodies, trying to explain to us that even though one part of our body may not seem valuable it is actually invaluable, and that just because some parts of our bodies are not shown off all the time it does not make them terrible, but in fact we need to treat them with special care, or to use his word, modesty.  By extension you could argue that Paul is telling us we need to not wear bikini's, but that's getting more specific than I think as ever intended, and I'll be honest and say that I think that is stretching the truth and twisting what Paul is actually trying to teach the church.

2. "I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God." - 1 Timothy 2:9-10.  Usually when I hear this passage I only hear v.9, and the part about what I should wear is cut off.  Interesting that this text doesn't say, "I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with clothes that cover their bodies in a way that don't tempt men."  Which is often what seems to be suggested.  For those of you who may not have known, let me try to educate for a minute.  Paul brings this up to women, using the wording in v.9 as he does because 1. prostitutes in the day generally wore clothing of this nature - they dressed in a way that would make them stand out more than any other woman (there is a likely another blog I could do just on that, but for now that's not quite where I'm going), and than any other prostitute.  2. We often focus so much on the words following "modestly" that we rarely take time to consider how the word is actually being used here - which is to suggest to women that they not spend a lot of money on what they wear.  I hope that makes sense.  Now, I find it interesting that what women are charged with "wearing" isn't clothes at all, but with good deeds.  It seems to me that Paul wants women to ensure that their actions are what is noticed.  If you're a prostitute, your actions are strictly sexual and you make your money by sleeping around.  Paul didn't want women who were seeking the Lord and submitting to their husbands to be confused with prostitutes.  He wanted women to be known for their hearts - their kindness, their charity, their love, their compassion, etc...  He knew that people would watch these women of Godly husbands and knew it would be a testimony to God's goodness if these women presented themselves in a way that was respectable and honourable.

Side note for all you single ladies: you never know who is watching you, so I encourage you to always be wearing good deeds.  Allow people to see your heart in the way you carry yourself.  I have come across women before that with me are incredibly lovely, sweet and lighthearted.  But then I witness the way they treat other people, maybe a family member or a stranger, and there's this whole other woman I didn't know was there - and it's just not attractive!  Carry yourself in a way that you are the same woman to the people you loathe the most and the people you love the most.  If you are seeking a man of God, he will notice and value that in you.   Just sayin'.

Alright.  That's all I am going to say on those passages, and I only brought them up because I did not use them once in what you are about to read (I don't think), and I thought I would throw that out there right away so you understood why I didn't use them.

I also want to throw out a HUGE thank to all of you who have helped me with this final product and have assisted me in making these conclusions.  I could not have done this without your vulnerability and honesty in sharing, your patience and empathy as I lingered in confusion, and your dedication to being my friend.  Thank you HEAPS - there have been too many of you to name.  You are wonderful.

Enjoy my heart (and hey, feel free to disagree, just try not to do so by splatting my heart against a brick wall :))

The Issue
This whole modesty thing has been driving me crazy for months.  In fact it is still making my head spin, regardless of the fact that I have come to a conclusion and have a much stronger personal conviction of what it is all about.  No longer do I get this cringing sense of annoyance when I hear that the only reason to cover up is “because you should not cause your brother to sin.”  After lots of praying, reading of books and blogs and countless conversations with friends from every walk of life, I have concluded that modesty is not just about something that we wear, as much as it is often relegated to in Christian circles, but it is about being completely selfless and respecting the life that God has given you.  Of course, for the sake of what I was researching it did have a lot to do with what we wear and how we conduct ourselves, specifically as women, so that is the focus that I will be taking.  In regards to dress I think there is a lot of spill over into considering our sexuality and how to value this aspect of life God has provided.  However, we most commonly talk about modesty as if it has nothing to do with our sexuality, but as a disconnected “something” that we must adhere to in order to be “Good Christian Women.”  As if to say that because I have long legs, certain clothes are inappropriate and it is solely my duty and responsibility to keep every man around me from sinning.  You’ll sometimes hear the term “Modesty Doctrine” thrown around, but you’ll quickly realize that this has nothing to do with men and the way they conduct themselves. 
I believe there has got to be a two way street here, but rarely do we consider it as such.  However, since I am not a man I struggle with how I could articulate this topic for men, as, from what I perceive, our culture has narrowed it to being a female issue.  As Wendy Shalit, author of A Return to Modesty says, “Women who dress and act “modestly” conduct themselves in ways that shroud their sexuality in mystery.”  I could not have manufactured a better definition if I wanted to, and so I will often reference this statement as what I believe modesty should be about when we use the term in respect to dress.
   
The Beginning
    It all started after I read an article I read in June entitled, “The Bikini Question.”  I could not resist responding to a write up where the only argument for not wearing a bikini to the beach was to protect the guys around us.  In the response on my blog I wrote that I agree with that to a certain extent, but for me to take that one single argument and to stop there would not be fair to men or women.  It would not be fair to men because I do not think this gives them enough credit.  It suggests that lust happens in about 1.5 seconds and that men cannot stop it.  It also suggests men are animals that cannot control their “fleshly desires” and must “attack their prey” without any thought.  With this mindset it takes away men’s responsibility and leaves women with the burden of controlling every man’s mind – which frankly cannot be done.  Women can never dress in any one way that will stop a man (or men) from lusting after them.  From covered up to dressed right down, if a man wants his mind to go there, he can get his mind to go there.  That is just the unfortunate truth.  And as I typed madly away on my keys I thought how people would respect my ideals and consider me correct, and that this blog entry would end the modesty argument and provide the most solid reason for covering up.  My mindset and thought that I trailed on about was how we need to dress in a way that honours other wives if someday we hope to be a wife and want our husbands eyes to be for us alone.  I published the blog and shut down my laptop, feeling pretty accomplished for one evening.
    The following weekend I was driving to a cottage with a dear friend when we got on the topic of my blogging.  I shared what I had recently written about and how I was sure I finally figured this whole issue out and could shut the door on it once and for all.  I confidently shared, and paused when I finished, waiting for the head nod and enthusiastic agreement I was hoping for.  Finally my friend responded with, “Yeah, I pretty much disagree with everything you just said.”  I was flabbergasted!  Having been cut so deeply to me core I cannot, now, even recall my response.  I probably ended up asking her to explain, and so explain she did.  She did not quite articulate her stance in a way that was making sense – consider it a blind spot at the time – and we got to the cottage all in good time, having shifted conversation significantly after the modesty talk ended in a state of slight confusion on my part.  I got home after the weekend and watched a short talk given by Jessica Rey that somebody shared on Facebook, and that I quickly shared with my friend, trying to enforce my perfectly right opinion on her again.  In the video Jessica said, “Modesty isn’t about covering up our bodies because they’re bad, modesty isn’t about hiding ourselves… it’s about revealing our dignity.”  I was sure this would be the end and I could rest assured knowing my opinion rang truth.  She once again responded and pointed out the flaws in this woman’s thinking in the rest of the video and provided me with several resources of blogs I could read that had shaped her thinking on the topic of modesty.
    I was annoyed.  I did not like being wrong.  Yet…there was something about all of this that was not going away.  In my initial blogged response to the bikini article I ended by saying, “I will likely have more thoughts (likely not on this subject in particular) in the future."  I thought that had been the end of the story and my thoughts on modesty, but God clearly had another plan.

The First Couple
I have a strong conviction that modesty is not just about me, but about me and God.  I also strongly believe that if a woman desires to be married, that relationship is extended to include her husband (future or current). I say this because the first person we meet in Scripture is a man named Adam, who God quickly states will not do any well on his own, so He forms woman out of man.  Genesis is also quick to point out that not only shall a man leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they shall become one flesh, but it is also mentions that they were naked and not ashamed (Genesis 2:25).  The Bible does not need to point out either of these two latter things, yet it seemed relevant to assure readers that Adam and Woman had freedom to not wear anything and to not experience embarrassment over it.  That did not last long as shortly Adam and Woman ate the fruit the serpent tempted them to consume.  I find it interesting that the first ever story of sin makes us aware of the shame and guilt they experienced, specifically in their nakedness.  It is also fascinating to read on and see that the first physical act God took in caring for His loves was to replace the insufficient loincloths Adam and Woman, now Eve, had sewn together, and provide them with garments of skin (Genesis 3:21) even before He kicked them out of the garden.  This is all so intriguing to me because it seems to be setting up the hope of intimacy in marriage, only to show us the destruction and evil in the world that will come along to pervert one of the most wonderful gifts that God has offered to us.   The other thing it shows, however, is how much God still wants to marriage to be redeemed, and that intimacy and caring between a man and woman can be restored to something better than what they could create on their own.  This includes redeeming the way you dress, and actually questioning why you wear what you wear.

Stay tuned for pt.2!  In the meantime, think about it, share this around - get a conversation going about what modesty means beyond the clothing you put on in the morning.  It's so much more exciting than that.

of being driven crazy.

bear with me.  This is not about discipleship in Christian high schools, or modesty, or even about how to get a hole in one at mini golfing (which we all know I'm pro at.  Take me sometime, I'll show you up.  Or don't and save your pride.  Whatever. ;))

Two things are driving me crazy right now, and there must be a correlation.

Most of you know what I'm up to right now: finishing up some of my assignments for Redeemer and prepping to leave for SBS (School of Biblical Studies, more info on the right of your screen (view full version if you're on mobile!)) in 3 weeks.  Yup.  3.  That means in 3 weeks from today I'll be in Winnipeg with one of my dear friends (which I am super stoked about) and then 1 week after that I'll be sitting in my first SBS class in Lakeside.  Yup.  Leavin in 3, startin in 4.  Crazy.

But I'm just not quite sure where my heart is at.  I am completely excited somewhere in the depths of my being to learn more about Scripture, to spend 9 months reading that Book alone and to gain a better understanding of the story of Scripture and how my life today is a part of that story that started with just one perfect man and a bunch of animals in a garden.  Well, how it started with just one God who wanted to share His love with a creation He designed, really.  But here's the deal: I'm just not feelin it.  You know?  Like that feeling when you want to be excited from your toes to your nose.  That feeling that gives you tingling in the pit of your stomach.  That feeling that motivates you to go beyond who you are and accomplish something ridiculous.  That?  Yeah, that's just not there.

I just got home from a most wonderful 24(ish) hours away.  I went and attended a service at my friend's (my BFF, not just my F, so I should clarify) church, which was great.  The worship was real and message was honest, and it was just so good to be with her as shortly we'll part ways, both heading to YWAM, both looking forward just to what God is going to do.  We spent the night eating pizza and acting like 12 year old girls, laughing and chatting and giggling and squirming with delight.  It is so refreshing to spend time with good friends and to know you are totally comfortable in your own skin with that person (there's been a lot of that in the last 3 days.  It's been good).  I also just love spending time chatting with her family - they are likely one of the most respectable, honest and loving group of people (as much as it hasn't always been like that - God has done some seriously amazing things in their lives that is just so encouraging!) and they're always willing to listen as the Lord leads.  It's truly great to witness a family who is so intentional about following the Lord.  What a testimony of God's goodness!  I left that home with a sense of goodness, and the whole drive home I listened to some Jesus Culture and belted out nearly every tune very loud and very off key.  I was probably about halfway home when it hit me that I just wasn't feelin it.  I mean, last night I hadn't really been feelin it either.  It was a great service where I know God was present, and the music I was listening to now was some great worship - so how come I was doubting?  How come I was questioning where He could be?

As I continued to drive, now silent and in deep consideration of this, I began to realize some things.

Second driving-me-crazy thing.  I've been wrestling with desire, what it means and how it can be healthy.  Oftentimes attraction happens very quickly - it's like it sneaks in looking all smooth and good, but suddenly you realize what hit you and you just don't know how to deal.  Your feelings are bouncing off the walls and you can't control what is going on.  You beg God to take it away and you plead for the peace you'd only minutes ago been experiencing.  You question "why me!?  why now!?" and it only makes things worse.  You feel deeply and painfully as you consider the implications of taking action on the who who is drawing your attention, playing out the different scenarios in your minds eye, nearly all of which end up with you both on a white horse riding into the sunset.  You get back to begging and pleading and the frustration of not knowing the answer to your questions.

And I can't articulate what it is about this struggle that makes me feel there is a correlation between it and the non-feelings I have when considering my relationship with Christ.

After I got home I went into Starbucks to visit with my buxies (aka, the regulars), and I ran into a friend and her mom.  I asked how her summer was going and she proceeded to tell me stories, one in particular about being at camp and not feeling God.  It's not that she wasn't excited about being at camp and leading and worshiping - but there was just no feelings, no emotions.  She said this lasted for the first 4 days, and then suddenly it hit.  The presence.  The soul.  The overwhelming, blow-your-socks-off, crazy intense breath of Holy Spirit.

So what's the correlation between all of this?  If I knew, I would explain exactly what's going on, but I can't.  Not fully anyways.

If you are married you'll know the feeling, and if you are not married you've likely heard the story.  And that is that you don't always feel in love.  There are not always butterflies and rainbows and lollipops.  There is nothing that is knocking you over, and there are no horses and sunsets.  But more often in not, there is still a foundation.  And that foundation is what keeps you standing.  You know that you felt those things once.  You know that you made a commitment to love and cherish, for better or for worse.  You know that there are valleys, but there are also mountain tops.  You know that this stone heart is meant to be a heart of flesh.  You know there is something more to live for than what you feel.

And as I heard Kim Walker sing, "He is jealous for me," it hit me that hey - He is jealous for me.  He fights for me.  He longs for me.  He has my best interests at heart.  He knows my name.  He sees my next step.  He can't wait for me to wake up in the morning to spend the day with me.  He knows my every weakness.  He hurts when I hurt.  He desires me.  He is committed to loving and cherishing me, at my best and at my worst.

And not only does He do this for me, but He does it for you.

It's quite bizarre, when you think about it.  That this crazy God knows each of us by name.  He designed our quirks and oddities.  He thinks it's hilarious when you start every story with, "so I have a funny story."  He is so proud when you accomplish something new for the first time.  He's excited for you when there is nobody around to acknowledge that you just baked a cake (from scratch!) and it actually tastes good.  He knows your every longing and the desire that tries to hide in the corner of your heart.  He feels the pain you feel when you're confused and lonely.

And it is in those moments when He beckons.  When He whispers for you to come close.  When all He wants to do is hold His precious child close.

And I think that's what He is saying to me.  He wants me to be still, and He wants to calm these anxieties.  To take my desires and to wrestle with me.  To cry over hopes yet unreached.  To laugh at the days to come.  To wonder when that unique happiness will present itself.  To smile at the excitement of provision.

He's got some plan, He's had it from the beginning.  So rather than sit and stew and try to ignore the way I feel and don't feel, I'm just going to let it happen.  Because I know that in it, regardless of whether or not I feel it, He's there.  He's gotta be there.  He's always there.  Here.  Right now.  Watching me.  Moving my fingers to the next letter.  He's got me.  And all this is just a piece to the jigsaw puzzle of the testimony of my life.  What the picture actually looks like?  I have no idea.  But this is a part of it.

I don't know if I would call of this a thorn in the flesh, as Paul may refer to it, so much as an experience that pushes me to press in to what God wants to show me.  As John Piper says, "If you're crying out, 'Abba, help!' the Holy Spirit is witnessing with your spirit. You're the child of God, and you're being kept."

Mmmm.  Rest in that as you sink into your dreams tonight.