of what I actually do everyday

straight up.

For those of you who would like to receive the more "technical updates" as opposed to listening to the ramblings of my heart, let me know your email and I can add you to that list.  In the meantime, here's a sample of something technical: the way we learn to study the Bible here at SBS.  I did not include this in my update letter because...well...not everybody would want to read this.  If you've read this, I commend you.  and I will bring you home some m&m's.  If you let me know who you are that read this.... anyways....


How do I actually study the Bible?  You may ask.  Well, let me tell you, and prove to you that I've not just sitting around in Montana making friends and eating too much meat and actually becoming a lumberjack. 

We use what it is called inductive study, or "The Method."  

1. We first have to read through the book - whatever book we are on.  Right now we into Luke - out loud in one sitting (which we can do with a few others if we want).  This past Sunday it was beautiful so I took my Bible and say by a creek that's here on base with my tea and thoroughly enjoyed those 2 hours of just leafing through Luke.  The only book we don't need to this for is Psalms, cause hey, Psalms is huge, and they are broken up throughout the 3 semesters.  
2. We read through again and make 4 word titles for each paragraph in the book.  Yes.  Every paragraph.  and the titles need to be words words that are close to each other and in order...and of course have to do with the paragraph.  We also break up the book into manageable sections which we'll need for late on.  At this point we also pick out a key verse, reason written and main idea of the book. 
3. Next we "Colour Code" by marking up nearly every sentence with pencil crayons (or coloured pencils as the fine Americans say), defining things like who is present, where they are, whether the speech is figurative, if the OT is quoted etc... There are about 30 different things we need to look for in this step.  By the time we're done colour coding, we've read through the book 3 times.  
4. Next we complete any background research needed, like finding out the authorship and dating, as well as the recipient of the book and the original hearers of the text.  I received my very own Bible Dictionary and Study Bible in the mail today - two things I am thoroughly excited about like the a real Bible nerd.  ha!
5. Finally is the "real work".  We have by now sectioned off all of our paragraphs into manageable sections, and we have to observe the text for what it is saying.  We ask questions that the text answers for us like, "who is saying....?" and "where are they when they say.....?"  And reference our answer with text.  Next we interpret the text, meaning we ask questions of the text that we are curious about, that we can likely figure out the answer to because of our background information.  For example, "Why does Paul call the Galatians foolish?" or something like that.  Questions that the text maybe indirectly answers.  Kind of like meandering through it, wondering why the author said what they did or consider how the original reader may have reacted to something.  Finally we do application, which is where we can look at the text and see the truth that is timeless and can be applied forever.  We take these truths and write about situations where they are/can be/have been applied and write about those.  This process takes HOURS AND HOURS as you are doing this for about every chapter of the book (usually more though).  
6. After all that is done, we do a final application and pray about a timeless truth where God was speaking to us specifically, and then pray about to do with that truth (eg. serving others, so I am going to clear everyone's plates for them after a meal.  That's simple and cheesy, but that's the gist of it.
   
   This process has been extremely challenging because we are raised to take Scripture at surface level and apply it, as if it was written directly to us.  So it's hard to get out of that mindset and get into the original readers and author's and see it through their eyes, and then see what is left for us.  Scripture was of course written for us all, but not written to us.  It's hard to wrap my head around that.  But anyways, it's a lot of work.  I never imagined it would be this difficult.  But it's really good.  Scripture is coming alive and it's making sense.  It's good.  God is good.

So that's the little update.  I would say more things because trust me there is a lot going on in my heart.  It's actually been a little odd...I mean being in the Word so much can sometimes feel like you're just studying...it's so important while here to be intentional about remembering what this Book is that I am studying.  That said it's also super important for me to remember to take Jesus time, aside from the studying time.  Today I took a good chunk of time and just say by the creek (it's most definitely my favourite spot here) and just journaled and thought and pondered and listened.  It was glorious.  And God was speaking.  He is pretty cool.

Well.  back to the grind.  thanks for reading about what I'm doing.  You're so gracious.  and don't forget to let me know if I owe you some m&m's.

erika

of hugging with all you have

I can't even recall when I last wrote.  I don't think it was terribly long ago.  But for the record...time doesn't work the same here.  Life just happens.  I seem to like it.

I've discovered a new musician that I love.  Well.  a few.  1. ben howard.  for real.  He's pretty solid.  I'm enjoying his sound.  Acoustic yummy-ness is what it is, is what it is.  2. Yiruma.  if you think that sounds Japanese, you'd be wrong.  He's South Korean.  He plays the most beautiful piano I have ever heard in my all life.  Click here to here one of my faves.  Great study tunes.  You know what is a plus about studying in Montana?  Pandora.  and Spotify.  Serious wins, America.

today is Canadian Thanksgiving!  So a huge shout to my Canadian (and want to be Canadian) friends!  I miss you all dearly.  on Saturday I called home (well, Facetime.  I was thinking while I was Facetiming how amazing this technology is.  Seriously!  It was almost like I was there, except I couldn't quite squeeze Joshy's cutie-patutie little cheeks like I would have liked to!) and everyone was there (minus my boo) just sitting down for turkey!  I had real missing family moment.  So shortly after I Facetimed my boo (aka. my baby sis) out in BC and we were alone together :)  It was lovely to be in her presence. [does Facetime count as presence?]  It was great.   This afternoon all the Canadians on base (about 12 out of over 150 people!) got to have turkey dinner together in an actual home with real fancy plates and real turkey and stuffing and mmmmm-mmmm!  It was fantastic.

That's all the Canadians.  Except a couple who came a bit later.  It was grand to talk about homey things like Tim Horton's and not need to explain why their donuts are the best.  Beauty.  My heart is at home.

Well that's enough of that kind of update.  Let me tell you what's up for real.

Pretty right?  so pretty!  It's getting more real!  So last week we finished up our seminar phase of SBS (class everyday, twice a day, homework all the rest of the time, basically.  Super overwhelming, but good.)  We were finishing up on study of Galatians which focuses a lot on being justified by faith and not by works.  As an illustration on the last day the guy who was leading the lecture, Nathan, decided to offer each of us a cookie.  Another staff, Ryan, also came up to the front to join Nathan in what we thought would be his left hand in handing out these tasty treats.  Nathan offered up the first cookie to the first student, asking if she would like it.  Of course, she responded with a yes (double chocolate chip with almond extract!? Yes please!) However when he handed her the cookie he turned to Ryan and said, "hey Ryan, can you do 5 pushups so Carolynn can have a cookie?"  Of course Ryan obliged.  Many people laughed, some people wondered, loudly, why he had to - Carolynn said she would give the cookie back.  Nathan moved on and asked the next person if they wanted a cookie.  He also responded with a "sure", and Nathan again asked Ryan to do 5 pushups.  It was then that it dawned on me what was happening.  Nathan was going to continue to offer a cookie to each student, 51 in total that day, and for each student that said yes, Ryan would do 5 pushups.  Nathan got to the 5th student and she said, "No, I'm okay," to which Nathan responded, "Okay, well I will just leave this here, and Ryan can you do 5 pushups so Leah can have a cookie?"  Well, there went my plan.  This wasn't about Ryan's pushups and Nathan's cookies.  This was about this Jesus I follow and my life.  As much as I thought about what Christ had physically done for me, never had it dawned in me so realistically.  I sat there, in my seat, knowing Nathan would eventually get to me, considering how I would respond to his offer - all the while a thick lump was forming in the depths of my throat.  I thought about how I couldn't even do my own push ups - just the day before I did some circuit training with my friend Amanda, and I could barely do 5 girl push ups, and I couldn't accomplish 1 man one!  How could I do 5 per student?  How could I do 5 *good ones* just for me?  I couldn't.  I knew I couldn't.  When Nathan got to me and said, "Erika, would you like a cookie?" I couldn't even speak.  I just nodded.  It was shortly after that as I stared at that cookie on my desk that the tears started to flow.

"This is so silly.  It's just Ryan and he's just doing

push ups.  And this is just about the cookie."

"Erika, it's not about the cookie.  It's about me and what I did for you.

You couldn't have done it for yourself.  Remember yesterday?

You couldn't even try.  I wouldn't have wanted you to try."

"There is nothing I could ever do to make up for this.  

All I can do is be grateful and offer You my life."

"Would it have been loving for me to

watch you take that pain?

 For you to suffer like that?"

"No.  But how am I to love?  There is no way I can ever love enough."

"No.  Just be loved.  Let me love you. 

Love others.  Help them see their need for me."

All I can ever do is offer Him my life.  And He loves it.  He loves me.  There is not enough *good* for me to do in this world that will earn myself my salvation, my justification, my life.

If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.  Drowning, actually.  But in a really good way.  Somehow.  As Syd would say, "it's a paradox.  live in the tension."

I left that room a bit of a mess.  I wasn't the only one.  The real kicker?  Jesus not only gives us the cookie, but he wants us to enjoy it.  The only thing this illustration fell short on was the fact that we have something to celebrate about too- and that's that Jesus rose again 3 days later.  He lives!  It didn't end with His pain - but He did take ours, and we need to know.

on Saturday morning we had to read through the gospel of Mark since that's the book we're on this week.  The first reading of each book has to be read out loud, and can be done in groups of 4 or less (just in case you were wondering, cause I thought you might be ;)).  I sat down to read with two lovelies, and about halfway through it hit me that if I had to read the Crucifixion that I just didn't think I could do it - yet somehow I knew in my soul that the story was likely going to be a part that fell on my turn of reading out loud.  Sure enough, Mark 15 came around and it was me.  I felt it coming when the words, "And when the sixth hour had come..." fell from my lips.  I made it to "...until the ninth hour."  Then I stopped.  That same lump.  Those familiar tears.  How had this never been real before?  I knew the next words.  I've read this passage dozens of times.  I knew "Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachtani" without even being able to see the words on the page.  But no sound came.  I was broken.  But not nearly as close to how much he broke - for me.  For you.  For those people you hate.  For those people you love.  For the smartest and not so smartest.  For the prettiest and handsomest.  For the down and out and the ones on top.  For the girls in the corner and the head cheerleader.  For the hockey captain and the chess pro.  His heart broke for all of us.  And my words through tears don't even get close to the amount of love and blood he shed for me. 

Scripture has never felt so alive!

Why is it that the Bible has never felt real?  Why is it that it has always just been a set of comforting words and engaging parables?  Do we really get how real it was?  How these pages meant something real for somebody?  That - hey - it wasn't actually written to us?  It was written for us, 100%, but we were not the original audience.  This morning we learned about the history and background in the book of Mark.  Goodness gracious!  Who knew!  It's some awful, terrible, horrible stuff.  The things that our ancestors went through to get us this book, to share the gospel, to proclaim the name of Jesus!  It's absolutely terrifying.  We took a few minutes today to imagine and put ourselves in the 1st century during the reign of Nero Caesar (this guy would put Christians into a coliseum than unleash rabid animals on them - and that's the more pleasant end of things to share).  I couldn't even imagine it...I opened my eyes and listened to the illustration because I knew if I listened I would likely have nightmares.  I still might.  I canNOT imagine living in a time when you don't know who to trust and you don't know if you'll be dragged off - or your sister or your friend or you father - to their death, and you can't do anything to stop it.  There was no safety in the Roman empire.  The Caesar's were insane and felt no shame even in killing their own family - they certainly wouldn't stop at you.  Awful.  Just awful.  And that is our heritage.  If you call yourself a Christian, that is what people went through, suffered through for you.  For me.  We need not ever be ungrateful to our Jesus for the lives we have.  These early Christians never backed down - they stood their ground and took the persecution.  It would have been so easy to deny Christ as Messiah - so easy.  All it took was regular trips to the Jewish temples.  But that wasn't what Jesus had called them to do.  He suffered for them and they understood the implications of that.  He asks us to do the same - to surrender our lives to Him, to be His servant here on earth, to suffer for Him.

It's hard.  Don't get me wrong.  I know it's hard.  And I know you can't just force these things on yourself or on somebody else.  I know that - deeply, honestly.  I wish I could give you the formula for surrender - but there are no magic words or special codes.  Allow yourself to sit in the Word.  Allow each letter to land on your tongue and sink into your mouth.  Let them digest.  Don't be afraid of waiting.

When you're sick of waiting, keep waiting.  

When you're tired of standing, keep standing.  

When you don't want to sing, sing louder. 

When you don't want to give, give twice as much.  

When you don't want to give someone a hug, hug them with all you have.  

The more you take your eyes off of you and put them on others, put them on the who God is calling you to love, the more you will probably see God, and you'll realize that you are surrendering.

I came to SBS because I wanted to know the Bible.  As it turns out, the Bible wants to know me.
and that's transforming my heart in ways I just wasn't expecting.

erika

of not being needed

never has Scripture been more alive.  And I'm only 3 books in.  Pretty sure it will only get livelier.

We started with Philemon, which I had studied in July with my Teaching Scripture course.  That doesn't really mean much - it just meant that I constantly knew the answers to my own questions.  Then we got into Titus.  Oh goodness.  Where to start?

As I may have previously mentioned (pardon my forgetful memory...I've been staring at the words in Ephesians and my computer for the past 10 hours.  Literally at dinner I did not know how to make conversation due to lack of human contact all day.) of been wrestling with what I am doing.  However, God has most definitely been speaking some things to my heart about why I am here.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about needing help.  When I wrote that I was extremely humbled at the  having to ask for help.  I was blown away by how God spoke to people on my behalf, and how He continues to do so.

Since arriving here this concept of "need" hasn't disappeared.  When I first stepped on base, and for the entire first week and half (which yes, that means until about 2 days ago) I was questioning every bit of why I was here.  I realize settling in to a new place takes time.  Making new friends takes time.  Yes.  I get that.  But what was making me feel so out of place was that fact that I was not needed by anybody.  There was nobody who had a burning question they needed me to answer.  Nobody needed my help with fixing their problems.  There was nobody who would need me.  There was no ministry I needed to be in charge or a meeting that I needed to plan and lead.  Here, nobody knows me.  I am just another SBS student: here to study the Bible, become best friends with this library chair, and ultimately go crazy (so they tell me).  I've rarely been asked what my story is or questioned about my life.  Nobody needs to hear those things.  Nobody needs to know about my friends or family back home.  Nobody needs to know how much I love m&m's, or that my favourite place in the whole wide world is Bon Echo.  Nobody needs to know about all the ministry I've done and led, and the ways I've seen God work.  Nobody needs to know that I love Needtobreathe and how upset that I wasn't at home and couldn't go to their show with the guys last weekend.  In fact, nobody needs to even know who the guys are.  Why should they know?  Well, they don't.  That's the honest, hard truth.  And if I am being totally honest, more often than not I say and ask things with selfish motive.  I ask so I can be asked back.  I comment so you respond to me.  I want people to talk to me.  I want to be needed.  I might even say I need to be needed.  And that's not selfless.  That's selfish.  Plain and simple.  And it's messing with who I am, and I realized that I've been placing my identity in being needed by other people, and that has been affecting the way I live my life and even the way I view people.  I live in way as if the other person needs me.  That without me, they wouldn't last - that their life isn't complete without me.

Well.  That's ridiculous, erika.  Just sayin'
yes.  yes, it is.  And this is what I'm learning.

So how do I change the way I function?  With much difficulty.   And probably through reading the Bible...

God's been challenging me to wait on Him.  Titus 3:7 says, "so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life."  After picking apart the book of Titus, considering the implications on the original readers and what Paul was trying to say to Titus while he was in Crete, I was able to consider what I could take out of the book and apply to my own life.  This verse spoke to me about how there is nothing that I can do to save myself.  To change myself.  I am only justified by grace.  By grace I live, breathe, and have my being.

There is nothing I can do to position my heart towards Christ.  There is nothing that I can do to press in enough to draw near to Christ.  There is nothing I do to tear out my heart and surrender it to the Christ and know and love.  There is nothing I can do to save myself.  I can't need me enough to change me.  People don't need me.  God doesn't need me.  I need God.  Nothing less.

And as I continued to ponder that this past week we, as a class, dove head first into the book of Ephesians.  It's not too hard to notice one of the biggest themes that Paul is trying to get across to the believers in Ephesus is where their true identity lies.

Ironic?  I think not.

Last night we had worship outside (it was freeeeezzziiiingggg!  But awesome).  And as I tried to press in (whatever that means) I began to consider my need - my God.

*side note.  On Wednesday night we learned more about the history and background of the church, and the kind of culture that Paul was a part of.   For real - it was awful.  I mean hardcore, awful persecution.  We learned about Nero and his persecution of Christians, and watched a movie clip where Nero marched a ton of believers - mama's, papa's, babies, teenage sons and daughters - into a theatre where he then unleashed starving lions on them.  I couldn't even watch.  When the video clip ended the door to the room we were in was busted open and some guys filtered in yelling at us to get up and get out.  Several people, including myself were terrified as 1. This had actually happened at another YWAM base in Colorado some time ago and 2. We have some students here from countries where persecution like this legitimately still happens - police bust in, guns blazing, inflicting much fear, trembling and even death on believers that are present.  Of course, this was all to give us an idea of what it would have been like in the early church, and after we were up we proceeded outside into the darkness where we watched a re-enactment of a man being "blessed" by the god Mithra - the god of war and morning - by being covered in the blood of an oxen (reality: dyed red corn syrup).  We were heckled by prostitutes from the temple of Artemis, yelled at by market sellers convincing us of the idols we needed; We entered the "temple" and watched as one of our own was wrestled to the ground (pretty sure he knew it was coming to him) and had a piece of [fake] flesh torn off by the mouth of a temple woman.  We were commanded to bow to Artemis and to Nero Caesar.  Nobody did of course - and our evening was abruptly ending in worship.  It was a good reality check on what the early Christians actually went through.  And it made me so incredibly grateful for the freedom I have.  I have no reason to ever not worship our God - to know that He is the same God that those early Christians lived for and died for...wow.  It puts a lot of my life into perspective, that is for sure.

Okay.  Back to the outdoor worship: As I stared at the sky, listening to the lyrics of the song (I can't recall it now) I wrestled with what it means to need God, but also to express that need for him by serving people without getting stuck in making them need me.  For so long I've understood my ability to give to people as them needing me.  Well.  That's crap.  My ability to give to people is based on my understanding of my need for God, and their need for God.  My job in giving to people is not to make myself - my words, my prayers, my hugs, my life - needed.  It's to make God needed.  That's the goal.

And so as I stood worshiping, with toes that were gradually getting colder, I looked up (another something God has been challenging me to do more) and I asked the Lord not where I was needed, but where I could give.  I was eventually given the opportunity to pray for a couple of girls, and offer one of them communion.  God gave me words to share, speak and ways for me to love.  But this was not about me.  Not one bit.  Not at all.  It can't be.  It's about learning how to shut down, shut out, and reject that needed to be needed, and learning to give selflessly.  To be obedient regardless of the fact that there will be no personal benefit.

Lord, if I can spend the rest of my life giving where you are leading, whatever that looks like, I will hope that will be a life well spent on You.

And I have no doubt in there that my needs will also be fulfilled.  But I can't look at me.  I have got to look at my Jesus.  How good is the Lord!  How great is our God.  Seriously.

I hope and pray God continues to show me how I can be obedient, and never be needed.

God doesn't need me.  I need God.

Allowing God to shape in me a new identity is a process.  This is the start of the thaw I've been waiting for.  The first bit of ice on the stream has broken, and I can see the water starting flow.  The key is to keep waiting.

Amen and amen.

For the record, I've met seriously awesome people.  For real, it's awesome.  Lots of honest, amazing hearts.  There are friendships that are being formed, laughter that is being had, tears that are being wept.  It's good.  It's going to continue to be an amazing experience of adding to my brothers and sisters, and I love it.  There is something very special about not being needed, but having the opportunity to be obedient and in doing so serving those around me who are longing to grow closer to our Father.  That may mean always asking the questions, and never giving answers.  It's humbling, and it's good.  The people here are good.  The God we're all here to serve is great.  Thank you Jesus.