We started with Philemon, which I had studied in July with my Teaching Scripture course. That doesn't really mean much - it just meant that I constantly knew the answers to my own questions. Then we got into Titus. Oh goodness. Where to start?
As I may have previously mentioned (pardon my forgetful memory...I've been staring at the words in Ephesians and my computer for the past 10 hours. Literally at dinner I did not know how to make conversation due to lack of human contact all day.) of been wrestling with what I am doing. However, God has most definitely been speaking some things to my heart about why I am here.
A few weeks ago I wrote a post about needing help. When I wrote that I was extremely humbled at the having to ask for help. I was blown away by how God spoke to people on my behalf, and how He continues to do so.
Since arriving here this concept of "need" hasn't disappeared. When I first stepped on base, and for the entire first week and half (which yes, that means until about 2 days ago) I was questioning every bit of why I was here. I realize settling in to a new place takes time. Making new friends takes time. Yes. I get that. But what was making me feel so out of place was that fact that I was not needed by anybody. There was nobody who had a burning question they needed me to answer. Nobody needed my help with fixing their problems. There was nobody who would need me. There was no ministry I needed to be in charge or a meeting that I needed to plan and lead. Here, nobody knows me. I am just another SBS student: here to study the Bible, become best friends with this library chair, and ultimately go crazy (so they tell me). I've rarely been asked what my story is or questioned about my life. Nobody needs to hear those things. Nobody needs to know about my friends or family back home. Nobody needs to know how much I love m&m's, or that my favourite place in the whole wide world is Bon Echo. Nobody needs to know about all the ministry I've done and led, and the ways I've seen God work. Nobody needs to know that I love Needtobreathe and how upset that I wasn't at home and couldn't go to their show with the guys last weekend. In fact, nobody needs to even know who the guys are. Why should they know? Well, they don't. That's the honest, hard truth. And if I am being totally honest, more often than not I say and ask things with selfish motive. I ask so I can be asked back. I comment so you respond to me. I want people to talk to me. I want to be needed. I might even say I need to be needed. And that's not selfless. That's selfish. Plain and simple. And it's messing with who I am, and I realized that I've been placing my identity in being needed by other people, and that has been affecting the way I live my life and even the way I view people. I live in way as if the other person needs me. That without me, they wouldn't last - that their life isn't complete without me.
Well. That's ridiculous, erika. Just sayin'
yes. yes, it is. And this is what I'm learning.
So how do I change the way I function? With much difficulty. And probably through reading the Bible...
God's been challenging me to wait on Him. Titus 3:7 says, "so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life." After picking apart the book of Titus, considering the implications on the original readers and what Paul was trying to say to Titus while he was in Crete, I was able to consider what I could take out of the book and apply to my own life. This verse spoke to me about how there is nothing that I can do to save myself. To change myself. I am only justified by grace. By grace I live, breathe, and have my being.
There is nothing I can do to position my heart towards Christ. There is nothing that I can do to press in enough to draw near to Christ. There is nothing I do to tear out my heart and surrender it to the Christ and know and love. There is nothing I can do to save myself. I can't need me enough to change me. People don't need me. God doesn't need me. I need God. Nothing less.
And as I continued to ponder that this past week we, as a class, dove head first into the book of Ephesians. It's not too hard to notice one of the biggest themes that Paul is trying to get across to the believers in Ephesus is where their true identity lies.
Ironic? I think not.
Last night we had worship outside (it was freeeeezzziiiingggg! But awesome). And as I tried to press in (whatever that means) I began to consider my need - my God.
*side note. On Wednesday night we learned more about the history and background of the church, and the kind of culture that Paul was a part of. For real - it was awful. I mean hardcore, awful persecution. We learned about Nero and his persecution of Christians, and watched a movie clip where Nero marched a ton of believers - mama's, papa's, babies, teenage sons and daughters - into a theatre where he then unleashed starving lions on them. I couldn't even watch. When the video clip ended the door to the room we were in was busted open and some guys filtered in yelling at us to get up and get out. Several people, including myself were terrified as 1. This had actually happened at another YWAM base in Colorado some time ago and 2. We have some students here from countries where persecution like this legitimately still happens - police bust in, guns blazing, inflicting much fear, trembling and even death on believers that are present. Of course, this was all to give us an idea of what it would have been like in the early church, and after we were up we proceeded outside into the darkness where we watched a re-enactment of a man being "blessed" by the god Mithra - the god of war and morning - by being covered in the blood of an oxen (reality: dyed red corn syrup). We were heckled by prostitutes from the temple of Artemis, yelled at by market sellers convincing us of the idols we needed; We entered the "temple" and watched as one of our own was wrestled to the ground (pretty sure he knew it was coming to him) and had a piece of [fake] flesh torn off by the mouth of a temple woman. We were commanded to bow to Artemis and to Nero Caesar. Nobody did of course - and our evening was abruptly ending in worship. It was a good reality check on what the early Christians actually went through. And it made me so incredibly grateful for the freedom I have. I have no reason to ever not worship our God - to know that He is the same God that those early Christians lived for and died for...wow. It puts a lot of my life into perspective, that is for sure.
Okay. Back to the outdoor worship: As I stared at the sky, listening to the lyrics of the song (I can't recall it now) I wrestled with what it means to need God, but also to express that need for him by serving people without getting stuck in making them need me. For so long I've understood my ability to give to people as them needing me. Well. That's crap. My ability to give to people is based on my understanding of my need for God, and their need for God. My job in giving to people is not to make myself - my words, my prayers, my hugs, my life - needed. It's to make God needed. That's the goal.
And so as I stood worshiping, with toes that were gradually getting colder, I looked up (another something God has been challenging me to do more) and I asked the Lord not where I was needed, but where I could give. I was eventually given the opportunity to pray for a couple of girls, and offer one of them communion. God gave me words to share, speak and ways for me to love. But this was not about me. Not one bit. Not at all. It can't be. It's about learning how to shut down, shut out, and reject that needed to be needed, and learning to give selflessly. To be obedient regardless of the fact that there will be no personal benefit.
Lord, if I can spend the rest of my life giving where you are leading, whatever that looks like, I will hope that will be a life well spent on You.
And I have no doubt in there that my needs will also be fulfilled. But I can't look at me. I have got to look at my Jesus. How good is the Lord! How great is our God. Seriously.
I hope and pray God continues to show me how I can be obedient, and never be needed.
God doesn't need me. I need God.
Allowing God to shape in me a new identity is a process. This is the start of the thaw I've been waiting for. The first bit of ice on the stream has broken, and I can see the water starting flow. The key is to keep waiting.
Amen and amen.
For the record, I've met seriously awesome people. For real, it's awesome. Lots of honest, amazing hearts. There are friendships that are being formed, laughter that is being had, tears that are being wept. It's good. It's going to continue to be an amazing experience of adding to my brothers and sisters, and I love it. There is something very special about not being needed, but having the opportunity to be obedient and in doing so serving those around me who are longing to grow closer to our Father. That may mean always asking the questions, and never giving answers. It's humbling, and it's good. The people here are good. The God we're all here to serve is great. Thank you Jesus.
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