of loving like Jesus.

last summer I was driving through the main intersection in the city closest to me, and I saw a man begging for money.  This isn't something I regularly see coming from a small town, and I don't think I'd ever seen anybody standing on that little piece of cement to separate the lanes at this intersection before in this particular nearby city before.  I was immediately reminded of a very dear friend of mine who had once told me that she often gives money to homeless people as she knows how desperate many of them are just for a simple coffee or small meal, regardless of shelters or other places that offer to supply basic needs.  Her brothers had been an addicts, living on the streets, for years, and she was able to testify by their lives of the needs homeless people have that do go deeper than just finding the next fix such as the need to be loved, valued, honoured - the same things that all of us need.  More often than not when we see homeless people begging for money we assume the worst: "They'll probably spend it on drugs and alcohol!"  As I drove away from that man, without rolling down my window and avoiding eye contact, I was struck with the conviction that I should have just given him some money.

Last week I was visiting with my sister outside of Vancouver, where there is a very large homeless population.  We were at an intersection and there was a man standing there begging.  I was reminded and flung into this internal struggle about what to do.  A part of me was brought back to the summer when I didn't give, but as we once again drove away I realized I missed the opportunity for a second time.  A couple days later we were at another intersection and saw a man standing there with a little sign.  It was pouring rain that day (as it often does in Vancouver) and I knew that this would be the time.  He was on the drivers side, and my sister was driving, so I whipped out my wallet and had her put down her window and give the man some money.  After her window was shut and he walked by she turned to me and said, "That much!  Why did you do that!?  He'll probably go spend it on drugs!"  I don't know if I even reacted...I probably said something like, "yeah...well..." very meekly.  I didn't have an answer about why I gave him money, I just knew I should.

This week while reading through 1 John I was convicted once again about giving, but this time I was also given my reason why.  I read,

"By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.  But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?  Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."

It was here when I understood.  We assume and think, "Why would you do that!?  They'll just go spend it on drugs!" which holds us back from offering from what is usually an abundance.  Then I thought about the love that Christ gave to us.  How He stepped out of heaven to enter our incredibly broken world.  I wonder if there was anybody there when He left His perfect surroundings to say, "Why would you do that!?  They're going to reject you!  They're going to keep lying and stealing and killing and sleeping around!"

Jesus knew what we'd do with the gift He gave us.  He knew we'd do drugs, and get drunk, and sleep around, and lie to our parents about it, and betray our friends.  He knew it.  And He still gave us everything He had.

So why shouldn't I give that homeless guy some money?  I don't even know what He'll do with it.  And it's just a bit of money, and I would have really liked to have Starbucks later on that day.  I can get over it.  Who knows if that money was just the thing he needed - that kindness was something that affirms to him that there are people who care, and this drives him on to do desire to live another day.  I don't know if that money will bring him the smile he needs or help him buy the warm meal he hasn't had in weeks or if he'll bring it home to his family or if he'll buy a bunch of alcohol.  I don't know.  I don't know the outcome.  But Christ knows that loving people is worth it and He sees the outcome and He works in ways that are bigger and mightier and more mysterious then I could every actually understand.

This doesn't make me some awesome person whose heart is so pure and willing to toss my money at people.  I will more then likely turn a blind eye to the next 20 homeless people I see.  But I pray that the Lord is igniting an awareness in me to love as He loved, to give myself to people because I don't know the outcome.  He knew the outcome and He loved us more than that.

I want to love like that.

erika

of risking it all

sometimes your heart just feels so raw that even something that is distantly related to whatever it is your heart is wrestling with scratches the surfaces and opens the wound that you thought was just closing.

alright - that's a bit dramatic, but I bet you can relate.  Of course it is the start of a brand new year and it's almost expected in the blogging world for writers to throw out some long wisdomous article about resolutions and not keeping them and in turn offer a much better idea about how to make this year the best ever.  Well I have no such wisdom to offer, just a piece of my heart in regards to some things that have been stewing.

It's seems that this idea about living in the moment has been popping up all over the place in my life recently.  Articles about it surface on my blog feed or somebody says something about it in passing or the chapter in my devotional focuses on it.  It seems like there's been an idea that's been running parallel to living in the moment and it can be summed up in one little, dangerous four letter word:

r i s k

If anybody knows me they know that I haven't gone to the movie theatre much in the past number of years as I boycotted it for a year, thinking that the prices at the local theatre had gone up, which after a year of striking it turned out it hadn't, but to save face and pride I just continued to boycott the place, only with a few...leniencies.  I would either go on cheap night, if someone else is paying, or if it's a must-not-miss.  The final category typically means anything nerd related or book to movie - that said I've basically only seen the Star Trek's, Harry Potter's, Hobbit's, and Hunger Games movies at the theatre, that I've paid to see, in the past 3-5 years.  There was one exception which was Beauty and the Beast in 3D...but that one's understandable.  If you'd like a full list, I could probably give it to you (it's likely only 3-5 more movies long).  All that said, I went to the movies this week (using a 2 for 1 coupon, thank you very much) and saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  As I haven't seen anything non-trilogy or Disney related in the past number of years, we could consider this an Erika-style risk.  Not too outlandish, there was no chance of near death or getting wet, I didn't have to articulate or confess my love for anyone and I didn't pay full price for the two tickets we needed to get into the show.  Pretty safe deal if you ask me.  I'd also seen the previews and it seemed that the running theme of the movie was just thing I was going to fully avoid in seeing the movie: risk.

Now I'm not one to promote movies (since I never see enough to promote them) but I do highly recommend Walter Mitty.  I have always loved Ben Stiller (yes, Zoolander included) so I had pretty high hopes that I trusted wouldn't be dashed.  Plus the previews had been engaging and I figured if all else failed, there would be a few treasured moments to consider and that's all I was looking for, really.  If you don't know the premise the movie is about this guy, Walter Mitty played by Ben Stiller, who tends to zone out and live in his head, imagining alternate situations to the reality that he's living.  He works at a magazine as the guy who ensures the quality of the cover photos that are sent in by the magazines photojournalist - a man who travels the world to capture life's most beautiful moments.  It just so happens that the magazine is transitioning to online only, working on publishing their last copy of the physical magazine, and Stiller's character somehow loses the negative of the cover shot.  In order to find this final cover shot, he goes on a quest to find the formidable photographer himself - a man named Sean O'Connell, played by Sean Penn.  Walter Mitty, all the while, sees himself in his head as a comical, sweet, smart and clever guy who gets the girl, when in life he's a quiet, soft spoken, spacey and shy kinda guy.

It's ironic as just a few months ago I was reading about and dialoguing with a few people about the concept of phantom relationships (shout out to Shellie!) and then this movie comes out that basically sums up the idea.  The thing that drew me into seeing the movie was that it seemed that there had to be an out to his fantasy world.  As someone who has lived frequently in my own head, risking much and gaining as much in the alternate realities of my own little worlds I knew I would be able to relate to the story this film was sure to offer.  I figured at some point there had to be a settling in of a reality that was full of life, laughter and love for this guy who so easily left his world for the alternate that he'd created.  As the movie progressed we watched as his little moments of spaciness faded into him actually doing risky (albeit, quite unlikely, but entertaining and yes very risky) things like flying in a helicopter with a drunken pilot before jumping from that helicopter into the ocean where he's fights a killer shark, all the while giant waves crash around him and the rescue boat circles, whose drives lift him away from his death as the shark tries one final time to capture Walter between his teeth.  It's all a very dramatic scene, but not too far off some of the fantasies we had previously played out by Walter in his head.  This realistic situation is highly unlikely, sure, but it does make me wonder what would happen if we started to risk more.  I won't give you the whole story, I will just say see it and be inspired.  It will be worth your time and money.

I've noticed in the past few months, as God challenged me to live in the moment more that I've lived in my head a whole heck of a lot less.  In fact, just a couple days before my Christmas holidays began my roommate asked me how I was dealing with some things.  She asked me how the living in the future in my head, in regards to the situation at hand, was going.  I realized that I hadn't once considered any possible future scenarios since I had started to deal with the thing she'd asked me about (hopefully you tracked with that).  You see, throughout Walter Mitty Stiller's character does the same thing: the more he engages with life at hand the less he lives with the what-if's and could-possible-be's that he previously created in his head.

Last night I as I was reading from Love Does by Bob Goff (I will also quickly plug and recommend this book!) he shared poignantly the characteristic of God that I feel the Lord has been trying to reveal to me as of late:

"Every day God invites us on [an] adventure.  It's not a trip where He sends us a rigid itinerary, He simply invites us.  God asks what it is He's made us to love, what it is that captures our attention, what feeds that deep indescribable need of our souls to experience the richness of the world He made.  And then, leaning over us, He whispers, "Let's go do that together.""

I spent the late breakfast and early lunch hours with some dear souls the other day.  They were friends that I'd met and spent 3 months living on the beach with in Australia when I was 19, and they are some of the most life giving people I'm blessed to call friends.  While together I thought I'd bring up with them one of my more recent quanderings.  It has to do with marriage and why we should get married, besides procreation, if marriage is something that in Scripture we learn is not eternal, yet there seems to be so much focus in the New Testament about eternal perspective.  It has felt to me, as of late, that marriage lacks an eternal purpose, and if I am to live with this eternal perspective...where does something that is not eternal fit in?  As I presented this apparent dilemma to my friends, one responded with a simplicity that is often forgotten as we consider the reasons Christ came - for joy.  Marriage brings joy.  And why not do something that makes you joyful?  And that in turn offers bliss to someone else?

If you follow my ponderings you'll know that I have been focusing on finding my bliss, acknowledging what that is, believing it and then walking in it.  You'll also know that in the summer I wrestled with why I would want to get married when I hear so much about terrible marriages and how hard they are and the upset expectations and dashed dreams and hopes of so many couples.  Why would I want something that seemed so lacking of joy?  I was reassured at the time that marriage really is worth it - the key is being selfless.

As I consider the past few months I realize that the most joy filled experiences came when I risked giving away what I thought I needed in order to love someone else with what little, broken piece of me I had left.  The bliss has been abundant and as I find myself in a place where sometimes my heart does feel raw and near to shattering it seems like there's actually a whole new piece of me that I'm learning to understand.  And it has a lot to do with the independent person that I've built myself up to be.  I shut out experiences that demand a vulnerability that I'm not comfortable with, and as much I as choose to lay down my supposed need to love on others, I question if that is simply putting up a new wall to shut out the possibility of some new, joy filled yet incredibly vulnerable - ergo terrifying - experience that I've always wanted but never deemed possible of the reality that I'm a part of.

As I laid awake last night considering all of these things, these thoughts that have been swirling in my brain, I found myself stumbling upon a new kind of a hope.  This hope believes it is okay to believe in a joy filled marriage, and that it's not only highly possible but it's highly probable.  This hope believes in a pleasure filled marriage full of new experiences to greet new levels of vulnerability that were previously terrifying to consider.  This hope believes risks can be grand and sometimes result in pain, but more often result in understanding a piece of a frightened girls character that has locked itself away for a very long time.  This hope believes risk brings joy and a trust that settles deep into her being, building on the foundation of The unshakeable Rock.  This hope believes there's no magazine article or blog post that has a magic formula for finding that man that she's been patiently awaiting, but there's a Master Planner whose scheming is holy and exciting and worth hoping in.  This hope believes she's a great cook, an entertaining conversationalist, an enjoyable adventurist, a sports [mostly watching, but not opposed to playing] enthusiast, a fierce and caring friend and most importantly a loving soul of the great Love Himself.  This hope believes in a girl who is worth it to someone else.  This hope believes this girl is me, and I have nothing to lose in 2014 knowing that Christ has fought for my joy and already won.

This year I will redefine what Erika-style risks are.  I'll believe in hope, in love, in faith, in trust, in joy, in grace and most of all in healthy risk.  This year is going to be stinking awesome, and we're going to dance about it as often as we can.

let's make some awesome in 2014, loves.

erika