a few weeks back I had read a blog post by one of my role models, who I have actually never met, but follow her blog and have read one of her books. I've talked about Shellie before (check out her blog here, especially if you're a single lady), and she always seems to hit the nail on the head. In response to considering the term "Phantom Relationships" and what defines it, I responded with a bit of a lengthy email to her as I wrestled through what this meant in my own life. She had me consider a few things in response to what she deemed a venting sesh (I thought I was being completely rational and logical and not crazy sounding at all. She thought different.) One of the things I had consider was "What is my bliss?"
Bliss being: supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment; the joy of heaven; heaven; paradise.
I put off considering this, thinking I could just make up an answer. But as I was feeling personally frustrated I decided to retreat to my favourite little spot on this base - a bench near this little stream. It reminds me of home. I like it a lot. And while sitting there I considered my bliss. This is what I ended up writing back to her:
As I reflected on this today I realized something: when I am stuck in
life, surrounded by busy; surrounded by good people; surrounded by
grumpy people... Full of what the world demands of me, I get lost, and
forget who I am. It is in the silence that my soul is restored and I
hear the gentle whisper of the wind, the bubble of the stream (if it
were warmer my toes would be in said stream!), and feel the warmth of
the sun on my skin. It is here that I know to whom I belong, and the
beauty of who He created me to be. It is here that I believe. It is
here I find my bliss, my utter joy and supreme happiness - in the little
things. The sunshine, streams, rodeos (yes, like those western things,
ha!), laughter, sunsets/rises, lakes, natural beauty, hearing people's
stories, sunday afternoon football, playing games, knowing how much
Jesus loves me, praying for people, hanging out with my youth kids, Bon
Echo (a park I have camped at since childhood), music by needtobreathe,
quiet times with Jesus, evening bike rides, sand in my toes, good hugs,
good books, long conversation, sharing Jesus' love. It's while I
reflect on these simple things that bring me joy that I wonder... how I
could ever be discontent? how could I ever want more? I have no
idea...but to be reminded to take these times more often...
And it is ever so true. The next question she had asked was, "What will a man bring you that you don't already have?" And after considering my bliss...I honestly couldn't think of anything. My answer to that question was this:
I couldn't think of anything (besides the obvious - a child. ha! but the good Lord has only just opened my heart to giving birth to one of my own in the past year...). Maybe that is the wrong answer...and maybe I am just making myself single forever in that...but honestly as I reflected over the bliss list, I could only think that a man could bring me more of those things...even though I can content in them right now. If that makes sense. It's like he will only enhance the things I have...he won't bring them to me for the first time. I don't know if that makes sense.
For real. Think about it. What can somebody else bring to your life? Is it that they should present you with happiness for the first time, or should it be that they enhance the happiness you already have? That may be a little off topic...but you know me and my tangents.
The other morning during breakfast prep as I was stirring the oatmeal, as I do every morning, I was getting lost in my own head considering what the heck I should do after SBS. The more and more I think about it the more I feel like God has given me a blank slate and I can choose what to do with it. I was weighing my options, trying to choose what I really wanted when I heard, "just look up." God has been speaking this phrase to me a lot since the spring, and as I did so this time I observed the rest of my crew going about their business. Aran and Johanna working together to get the Canadian bacon fried up. Erik chopping away at the green peppers. Alex was cutting the carrots. Natalie was helping Eirik and Chloe get the biscuits together with cheese and the already fried bacon. Taa was wandering about finishing up the little details of things. Everybody was so intent on the task they had taken responsibility of. Everybody was in their little zone. And suddenly I was overwhelmed with gratefulness. I sensed the smile as it spread across my face, and a few tears may have even blurred my vision for a minute. Nobody noticed. Nobody needed to. and it was here that I knew: This is family. This is where I belong. This feels so incredibly right. This is bliss. This is happiness. How could I get to so focused on the future and risk missing out on the present? And as I watched I wondered why I ever worry or wonder about the future when I belong right here, right now. It took a lot of pressure off my having to make anything happen now and even in waiting for God's response to some things. It doesn't matter because I belong here, and now. I kept stirring the oatmeal, and as the moment faded God whispered, "remember this moment." And I have no doubt that I will.
"wherever you are, be fully there."
Of course, this is so much easier said than done.
I have been working on some things in regards to my future, but I won't share what that is quite yet. Don't worry, I will share more as time progresses and something happens (or doesn't), you will know. And if you keep reading you may get a hint about it. But in the meantime, I was laying awake last night thinking about a few things my heart is wrestling through. Of course my big dream came up, and I felt God say, "What if I asked you to give up that big dream to pursue another dream - somebody else's dream?" I didn't quite know what He meant by that...I am still not sure if I do. I have some theories. But the theories don't really matter much. The thing is...I am not sure if I could give up my dream. I mean we all have dreams, plural, but out of all those dreams, we usually have one, ultimate dream that supercedes any of the others.
My big dream has never been to get married to the perfect guy and have lots of babies. I've never dreamed of being a successful businesswoman who always gets to wear the heels and the nice clothes all the time. I've never dreamt (realistically) of being that supermodel that everybody things is all that. I've never dreamed of being a sports star - and that's probably because I'm best at watching sports as opposed to playing them. If these dreams ever crossed my mind, they've never lasted. Do I still hope for other dreams? Sure. But do the set me on fire and give me heaps of passion? Not quite yet - maybe never (I can promise you my dream of being a sports star, for example, will never pan out. The supermodel thing though...? (ha!))
No, my big dream for a long time now has been to pioneer discipleship programming on Christian high schools in Ontario. I want to be that bringer of change. It's crazy and ridiculous and seriously impossible without Jesus. Ultimately, I'd love to see a good portion of students graduate knowing they are loved, with some semblance of an idea of how to be a disciple of Christ. I don't expect them to ever have it figured out by the age of 17, but I hope for a better foundation. Goodness sakes, I don't know anybody who has it all figured out...but we're all figuring it out, all the time. And this needs to be the case for teenagers too. I get so fired up when I hear, "well, that's the church's job" or "they'll get it [rebellion] out of their system and come around to church when they're older." For real? How many young people do you know that have "gotten it out of their system" and are now actively following Christ? And by actively I mean changing the spheres of influence in the grace and power of Christ, or trying to, they are a part of and not just getting up for church on a given Sunday morning. I won't keep up with this, because we all know that I could. But that's my dream. And to give that up - to give up this passion that's rooted within the very core of my being? I don't know if I could.
But ultimately, why wouldn't Jesus ask this of me?
Sound harsh? I don't think it's even close. What did He do for me? He came, He was tempted, He experienced pain and suffering, and more rejection than I could ever imagine. He served everyone He met - He healed, He cast out demons, He gave us His Spirit. He has done so much, and I can't even be selfless enough to give up my dream?
I know some of you are likely thinking, "But Erika, don't give up your dream! You've worked so hard and you have all this passion - and God gave it to you!" Oh yes, I believe you. Trust me. I know. I know this is from God. If it wasn't from God I don't think I would even dare to dream it. But if I am not constantly surrendering the biggest pieces of me to Him, what really will I have? If I am not willing enough to do the thing that I don't want to do, giving up my dream for someone else's, how much of a servant am I?
I know part of being here is working on trust. Trusting in God...trusting in people...trusting God and trusting people. I know that is an element that God is working at in me. And trusting produces a faith that can be so tangible...and I know God wants this to be so real for me. And how can things be real if I hold myself back - if I hold onto anything that is about me, even my God given dreams - and am not having the faith that what He began, He will finish.
I read a quote the other day that resonated within me of everything that my heart is wrestling through:
Faith means you want God and want to want nothing else... In faith there is movement and development. Each day is something new.
I want to want nothing else, but alone God. You alone. Oh Lord, incite in me such faith to make each day something new. To give myself over to You wholly and completely and wonderfully surrender every square centimetre of my being to You. To remember my bliss - and not just remember it, but live in a way that bliss is the norm. That I can be servant enough to surrender my dream to pursue another's dream, and find bliss in that.
That is the real challenge.
erika
YES!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDelete