as I was praying earlier, wrestling through what I feel like will quite possibly be some imminent decisions I laid it out. Do I need to keep waiting (really?) or can I move on? And as I laid in my cushiony bed, wrapped in a cozy blanket, I could only hope that the answer would be clearly written on the mountains as the sun sets.
before you keep reading I encourage you to read
or you may find yourself a little lost in
what the significance of these thoughts are.
It didn’t quite happen that way. I was catching up on my blog reading, when I came across a line that struck so much truth that I almost started to cry; I haven’t felt this clear of a word from the Lord in a long time:
“…but I know that the “EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANTLY MORE” is happening RIGHT NOW in our lives…in the waiting process…in the trusting…I have to continually be in situations that allow for God to do the impossible.”
what was the rest of this blog about (read it here)? this amazing woman’s year, and how she - when she is forced - had to choose a word to describe 2014. that word? “fullness.” what’s part of my answer to waiting? living life to the fullest.
and so I ask myself: am I living life in its absolute fullest sense while I'm waiting? what is the fullest sense of life? is the top of the mountain worth it? because I feel like I've been waiting for the fulfillment or the answer or the end of some things for what feels like a tragically long time. and sometimes - a lot of times - I feel done. I'm done waiting. I'm over it. I just don't care anymore. that’s how I felt today.
But the truth is...I do care. I'm not over it. I'll keep waiting. I'm not done. The best is always yet to come. And I know I won't give up, not because I don't want to, but because it's not up to me. It's up to the One who created this mountain, the One who created me to climb this mountain, the One who beckons me to trust.
in my "about me" I write that I love the struggle. and I do. because I know it's in the struggle - it's in the waiting - that we discover the crucial truths that God speaks over us. It's in the waiting that obedience can flourish - if we choose the narrow path. Oh yes there are many paths. But the one that our Creator has us on is the narrow one, and it's not always the most clear or appealing. And I think that's because even if He gave us each a map outlining every twist, turn and step we needed to take, we'd still question it. I'm in a place right now of waiting on something that I felt the Lord spoke very specifically to. A lot of these things I doubt, all the time, every day, sometimes every hour. So no, I don't think knowing all the answers makes it easier - I think it forces us to keep trusting just as much as knowing "nothing" does.
This trek up the mountain is certainly not close to being done, but I wanted to share one more piece of insight that was made known to me recently. It's a truth that we often replace with our own hope and self constructed ideas of a wonderful life. and it’s quite the not-so-secret truth of it all.
I know what the top of the mountain looks like. Though I can't see it, I know what it is. And for a long time I thought the mountain top was the next best thing that I was waiting for. but it's not. there aren't several mountains that I'm climbing - there's one. Just one. Along the way there are huts - some are more extravagant and comfortable than others, but they are all critical stops along the way. In my life these huts are better known as things like graduating high school, moving to Australia, meeting Jesus, good conversations with the kids at youth group, being free to go to university, going on dates, finding rest...they're all things that I - at one point or another and in some capacity - waited for. And I made it to each of those places, and then I moved on. And so here I am, waiting to get to the next stop. And I think I know what that hut will look like and I know exactly how I'll feel when I get there - but I don't. All I know is that it will be a much needed, necessary, and - in it's own unique way - wonderful stop on the way to the top. So what’s the top? What’s that hope that I can trust will be there and be fulfilling when I finally get there?
Christ.
Shocking, I know! You so were not expecting that answer. But hear me out a minute.
Yes, I can trust that God will bring me to each hut and that it will be way better than I really could every expect, and yes I will find it hard to wait to get there despite knowing that I can trust Him. But all of those huts are just stops along the way. They aren't the end goal. My end goal is glorious eternity with my Saviour. My end goal is the beautiful day when Christ comes to take me home. That's the top of the mountain. And how do I know it's there? Because I have proof that it exists. I may not see it now, it may be fully clouded over; I may not know where the next hut is along the way - but I know my guide, and I know what He fashioned the top of this mountain to look like. And if it wasn’t for the everlasting hope that I can find in knowing that eternity will be…stunning, wonderful, perfect, amazing…no one word can capture it.but it wasn’t for that hope, there wouldn’t be a hope to ever climbing this mountain. there wouldn’t be an end to the means. but there is. there is a point. there is a purpose for each tear or joy filled moment - and it’s in knowing that we will live forever with our perfect and loving Creator King.
my hope today isn't that you find all your answers, but you recognize the struggles of the journey, you embrace them, and you refocus what your mountain top is - because it's the same as mine. It took me years to realize this, and as it's a very recent understanding I know it will continue to take me years to really come to a conviction that this mountain top is the best mountain top that could and does ever exist.
keep waiting. and when you can't hear God beckon, "trust me," then look up that clip from X-Men and let Wolverine speak truth to you.
I love this, Erika! So challenging and encouraging! Keep writing! <3 P.S. I subscribed to your blog ;)
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