of loving like Jesus.

last summer I was driving through the main intersection in the city closest to me, and I saw a man begging for money.  This isn't something I regularly see coming from a small town, and I don't think I'd ever seen anybody standing on that little piece of cement to separate the lanes at this intersection before in this particular nearby city before.  I was immediately reminded of a very dear friend of mine who had once told me that she often gives money to homeless people as she knows how desperate many of them are just for a simple coffee or small meal, regardless of shelters or other places that offer to supply basic needs.  Her brothers had been an addicts, living on the streets, for years, and she was able to testify by their lives of the needs homeless people have that do go deeper than just finding the next fix such as the need to be loved, valued, honoured - the same things that all of us need.  More often than not when we see homeless people begging for money we assume the worst: "They'll probably spend it on drugs and alcohol!"  As I drove away from that man, without rolling down my window and avoiding eye contact, I was struck with the conviction that I should have just given him some money.

Last week I was visiting with my sister outside of Vancouver, where there is a very large homeless population.  We were at an intersection and there was a man standing there begging.  I was reminded and flung into this internal struggle about what to do.  A part of me was brought back to the summer when I didn't give, but as we once again drove away I realized I missed the opportunity for a second time.  A couple days later we were at another intersection and saw a man standing there with a little sign.  It was pouring rain that day (as it often does in Vancouver) and I knew that this would be the time.  He was on the drivers side, and my sister was driving, so I whipped out my wallet and had her put down her window and give the man some money.  After her window was shut and he walked by she turned to me and said, "That much!  Why did you do that!?  He'll probably go spend it on drugs!"  I don't know if I even reacted...I probably said something like, "yeah...well..." very meekly.  I didn't have an answer about why I gave him money, I just knew I should.

This week while reading through 1 John I was convicted once again about giving, but this time I was also given my reason why.  I read,

"By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.  But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?  Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."

It was here when I understood.  We assume and think, "Why would you do that!?  They'll just go spend it on drugs!" which holds us back from offering from what is usually an abundance.  Then I thought about the love that Christ gave to us.  How He stepped out of heaven to enter our incredibly broken world.  I wonder if there was anybody there when He left His perfect surroundings to say, "Why would you do that!?  They're going to reject you!  They're going to keep lying and stealing and killing and sleeping around!"

Jesus knew what we'd do with the gift He gave us.  He knew we'd do drugs, and get drunk, and sleep around, and lie to our parents about it, and betray our friends.  He knew it.  And He still gave us everything He had.

So why shouldn't I give that homeless guy some money?  I don't even know what He'll do with it.  And it's just a bit of money, and I would have really liked to have Starbucks later on that day.  I can get over it.  Who knows if that money was just the thing he needed - that kindness was something that affirms to him that there are people who care, and this drives him on to do desire to live another day.  I don't know if that money will bring him the smile he needs or help him buy the warm meal he hasn't had in weeks or if he'll bring it home to his family or if he'll buy a bunch of alcohol.  I don't know.  I don't know the outcome.  But Christ knows that loving people is worth it and He sees the outcome and He works in ways that are bigger and mightier and more mysterious then I could every actually understand.

This doesn't make me some awesome person whose heart is so pure and willing to toss my money at people.  I will more then likely turn a blind eye to the next 20 homeless people I see.  But I pray that the Lord is igniting an awareness in me to love as He loved, to give myself to people because I don't know the outcome.  He knew the outcome and He loved us more than that.

I want to love like that.

erika

of risking it all

sometimes your heart just feels so raw that even something that is distantly related to whatever it is your heart is wrestling with scratches the surfaces and opens the wound that you thought was just closing.

alright - that's a bit dramatic, but I bet you can relate.  Of course it is the start of a brand new year and it's almost expected in the blogging world for writers to throw out some long wisdomous article about resolutions and not keeping them and in turn offer a much better idea about how to make this year the best ever.  Well I have no such wisdom to offer, just a piece of my heart in regards to some things that have been stewing.

It's seems that this idea about living in the moment has been popping up all over the place in my life recently.  Articles about it surface on my blog feed or somebody says something about it in passing or the chapter in my devotional focuses on it.  It seems like there's been an idea that's been running parallel to living in the moment and it can be summed up in one little, dangerous four letter word:

r i s k

If anybody knows me they know that I haven't gone to the movie theatre much in the past number of years as I boycotted it for a year, thinking that the prices at the local theatre had gone up, which after a year of striking it turned out it hadn't, but to save face and pride I just continued to boycott the place, only with a few...leniencies.  I would either go on cheap night, if someone else is paying, or if it's a must-not-miss.  The final category typically means anything nerd related or book to movie - that said I've basically only seen the Star Trek's, Harry Potter's, Hobbit's, and Hunger Games movies at the theatre, that I've paid to see, in the past 3-5 years.  There was one exception which was Beauty and the Beast in 3D...but that one's understandable.  If you'd like a full list, I could probably give it to you (it's likely only 3-5 more movies long).  All that said, I went to the movies this week (using a 2 for 1 coupon, thank you very much) and saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  As I haven't seen anything non-trilogy or Disney related in the past number of years, we could consider this an Erika-style risk.  Not too outlandish, there was no chance of near death or getting wet, I didn't have to articulate or confess my love for anyone and I didn't pay full price for the two tickets we needed to get into the show.  Pretty safe deal if you ask me.  I'd also seen the previews and it seemed that the running theme of the movie was just thing I was going to fully avoid in seeing the movie: risk.

Now I'm not one to promote movies (since I never see enough to promote them) but I do highly recommend Walter Mitty.  I have always loved Ben Stiller (yes, Zoolander included) so I had pretty high hopes that I trusted wouldn't be dashed.  Plus the previews had been engaging and I figured if all else failed, there would be a few treasured moments to consider and that's all I was looking for, really.  If you don't know the premise the movie is about this guy, Walter Mitty played by Ben Stiller, who tends to zone out and live in his head, imagining alternate situations to the reality that he's living.  He works at a magazine as the guy who ensures the quality of the cover photos that are sent in by the magazines photojournalist - a man who travels the world to capture life's most beautiful moments.  It just so happens that the magazine is transitioning to online only, working on publishing their last copy of the physical magazine, and Stiller's character somehow loses the negative of the cover shot.  In order to find this final cover shot, he goes on a quest to find the formidable photographer himself - a man named Sean O'Connell, played by Sean Penn.  Walter Mitty, all the while, sees himself in his head as a comical, sweet, smart and clever guy who gets the girl, when in life he's a quiet, soft spoken, spacey and shy kinda guy.

It's ironic as just a few months ago I was reading about and dialoguing with a few people about the concept of phantom relationships (shout out to Shellie!) and then this movie comes out that basically sums up the idea.  The thing that drew me into seeing the movie was that it seemed that there had to be an out to his fantasy world.  As someone who has lived frequently in my own head, risking much and gaining as much in the alternate realities of my own little worlds I knew I would be able to relate to the story this film was sure to offer.  I figured at some point there had to be a settling in of a reality that was full of life, laughter and love for this guy who so easily left his world for the alternate that he'd created.  As the movie progressed we watched as his little moments of spaciness faded into him actually doing risky (albeit, quite unlikely, but entertaining and yes very risky) things like flying in a helicopter with a drunken pilot before jumping from that helicopter into the ocean where he's fights a killer shark, all the while giant waves crash around him and the rescue boat circles, whose drives lift him away from his death as the shark tries one final time to capture Walter between his teeth.  It's all a very dramatic scene, but not too far off some of the fantasies we had previously played out by Walter in his head.  This realistic situation is highly unlikely, sure, but it does make me wonder what would happen if we started to risk more.  I won't give you the whole story, I will just say see it and be inspired.  It will be worth your time and money.

I've noticed in the past few months, as God challenged me to live in the moment more that I've lived in my head a whole heck of a lot less.  In fact, just a couple days before my Christmas holidays began my roommate asked me how I was dealing with some things.  She asked me how the living in the future in my head, in regards to the situation at hand, was going.  I realized that I hadn't once considered any possible future scenarios since I had started to deal with the thing she'd asked me about (hopefully you tracked with that).  You see, throughout Walter Mitty Stiller's character does the same thing: the more he engages with life at hand the less he lives with the what-if's and could-possible-be's that he previously created in his head.

Last night I as I was reading from Love Does by Bob Goff (I will also quickly plug and recommend this book!) he shared poignantly the characteristic of God that I feel the Lord has been trying to reveal to me as of late:

"Every day God invites us on [an] adventure.  It's not a trip where He sends us a rigid itinerary, He simply invites us.  God asks what it is He's made us to love, what it is that captures our attention, what feeds that deep indescribable need of our souls to experience the richness of the world He made.  And then, leaning over us, He whispers, "Let's go do that together.""

I spent the late breakfast and early lunch hours with some dear souls the other day.  They were friends that I'd met and spent 3 months living on the beach with in Australia when I was 19, and they are some of the most life giving people I'm blessed to call friends.  While together I thought I'd bring up with them one of my more recent quanderings.  It has to do with marriage and why we should get married, besides procreation, if marriage is something that in Scripture we learn is not eternal, yet there seems to be so much focus in the New Testament about eternal perspective.  It has felt to me, as of late, that marriage lacks an eternal purpose, and if I am to live with this eternal perspective...where does something that is not eternal fit in?  As I presented this apparent dilemma to my friends, one responded with a simplicity that is often forgotten as we consider the reasons Christ came - for joy.  Marriage brings joy.  And why not do something that makes you joyful?  And that in turn offers bliss to someone else?

If you follow my ponderings you'll know that I have been focusing on finding my bliss, acknowledging what that is, believing it and then walking in it.  You'll also know that in the summer I wrestled with why I would want to get married when I hear so much about terrible marriages and how hard they are and the upset expectations and dashed dreams and hopes of so many couples.  Why would I want something that seemed so lacking of joy?  I was reassured at the time that marriage really is worth it - the key is being selfless.

As I consider the past few months I realize that the most joy filled experiences came when I risked giving away what I thought I needed in order to love someone else with what little, broken piece of me I had left.  The bliss has been abundant and as I find myself in a place where sometimes my heart does feel raw and near to shattering it seems like there's actually a whole new piece of me that I'm learning to understand.  And it has a lot to do with the independent person that I've built myself up to be.  I shut out experiences that demand a vulnerability that I'm not comfortable with, and as much I as choose to lay down my supposed need to love on others, I question if that is simply putting up a new wall to shut out the possibility of some new, joy filled yet incredibly vulnerable - ergo terrifying - experience that I've always wanted but never deemed possible of the reality that I'm a part of.

As I laid awake last night considering all of these things, these thoughts that have been swirling in my brain, I found myself stumbling upon a new kind of a hope.  This hope believes it is okay to believe in a joy filled marriage, and that it's not only highly possible but it's highly probable.  This hope believes in a pleasure filled marriage full of new experiences to greet new levels of vulnerability that were previously terrifying to consider.  This hope believes risks can be grand and sometimes result in pain, but more often result in understanding a piece of a frightened girls character that has locked itself away for a very long time.  This hope believes risk brings joy and a trust that settles deep into her being, building on the foundation of The unshakeable Rock.  This hope believes there's no magazine article or blog post that has a magic formula for finding that man that she's been patiently awaiting, but there's a Master Planner whose scheming is holy and exciting and worth hoping in.  This hope believes she's a great cook, an entertaining conversationalist, an enjoyable adventurist, a sports [mostly watching, but not opposed to playing] enthusiast, a fierce and caring friend and most importantly a loving soul of the great Love Himself.  This hope believes in a girl who is worth it to someone else.  This hope believes this girl is me, and I have nothing to lose in 2014 knowing that Christ has fought for my joy and already won.

This year I will redefine what Erika-style risks are.  I'll believe in hope, in love, in faith, in trust, in joy, in grace and most of all in healthy risk.  This year is going to be stinking awesome, and we're going to dance about it as often as we can.

let's make some awesome in 2014, loves.

erika

of your holy calling.

when was the last time somebody asked you what you are doing with your life?  or maybe you've been asked, "what's you're calling?" and you haven't even considered what that means.
Not gunna lie: whenever I hear these types of question I really just want to rip somebody's neck off.
But not actually cause that is mean.  But there is something inside of me that cringes, looks away and plugs its ears when hear these types of questions are being asked.  Not necessarily because they are bad questions, but they always imply that either I'm not dong something worth talking about in the present or that I need to mature or learn this or that or something before I'm ready to fulfill my calling.
For the record, I'm pretty sure your calling has nothing to do with future events, but has everything to do with the right here and right now.

we read in 2 Timothy 8-12a of the holy calling that God has given to us and where that came from.  When Paul wrote this letter to Timothy, Paul was suffering in prison, his final imprisonment before his death, and Timothy was ministering in Ephesus.  In case you weren't aware, Ephesus was basically like the 'spiritually Disneyland' of the Ancient World.  It hosted the temple of Artemis, where people would frequent the temple prostitutes in worship of her, and even though she was the most popular goddess to be worshiped, there were at least 50 other gods and goddesses that the Ephesians worshiped.  Besides worship of gods and goddesses, there was a lot of idol worship and magic practiced.  Through magic people would try and harness spiritual powers through rituals and incantations.  This was the world where Timothy was called to minister - fully away that this letter from Paul would be the final one that he would receive from this man who considered him a beloved child.  There would be no more direction on how to structure and lead the church.  No advice on who to avoid, and no more kind words of encouragement from a man who Timothy knew deeply believed in him.  Paul on the other hand was suffering in prison in Rome - not at all a pleasant place to be either.  The prison Paul was said to be in was a small hole in the ground with no way out, and he was in there, suffering, cold and alone, knowing that the next stop for him was death.

This was the atmosphere of how Timothy read that he was called to a high calling from a man who, of all people, had the right to no longer have hope or keep his faith and to throw away the idea of a high calling.

[Make sure you read 2 Tim. 1:8-12a before continuing!]

In v.8 we read Paul encouraging Timothy to not be ashamed of the testimony that he has of Christ.  Why would Timothy ever be ashamed of that testimony?  Well in the culture it would have been incredibly tempting to throw away his faith - to put aside the testimony of Christ and to join in with the ritualistic lifestyle that made up the culture in Ephesus.  Christians were persecuted in this culture - they didn't have the same rights and were often shunned for not participating in idol worship.  Nero was the Caesar at the time, and he made sure that Christians suffered - he would often use them as human torches for garden parties that he hosted.  This is but a taste of the torment that the Christians suffered, so it is easy to understand how it would be appealing for Timothy to turn aside from the Jesus he knew, to put away the testimony he knew, and to slide into living and participating in a culture that valued everything that was against what God hoped of his people.  This is also why Paul continues in saying to share in the suffering for the gospel by the power of God.  He wants to ensure that Timothy knows that God has him safely kept, and there is no need to be ashamed because in God he can endure the persecution that is set before him.  It's in v.9 that Paul then offers the reason why Timothy should suffer - because he has been saved and had a holy calling set upon his life.  And this holy calling is not something that Timothy manufactured on his own, it's not something that he started or was placed upon him once he started working on his own - we read at the end of v.9 that it was something that was placed on him, by the grace and purpose of God that was given in Christ before the ages began.  When I read this I can think of only one thing that this means: that it was always God's purpose and plan to have Timothy minister in Ephesus, to serve the people there, and to offer the power of Jesus Christ to Timothy in order to endure in ministry.  God won't just abandon Timothy to what it is that God called Him to do, what God divined and defined for him to accomplish.  That's not who God is - He promises that he is faithful.  And we know this because of how Paul continues in v.10 when he says that the purpose has now been manifested through the appearing of our Saviour Christ Jesus.

Hopefully you're tracking up til now, and if you are, you are likely now thinking, "Okay...but what does that mean?"  Well.  Let me try and explain.  This took me a bit to comprehend.  But what I think Paul is trying to say here is that God's plan was always to have Christ enter this world and abolish death, bring life and immortality to us.  This is how He saves us - through Christ.  It's an affirmation that our God is a God of order and purpose; that He sent Christ to save all people, showing his deep love and grace for His children.  It shows that He cares about what people do with their lives, and this is what Paul is trying to impress upon Timothy: that there is a reason why he needs to do what he does.  It's all for the God who saved Him, a God who purposed Him to Ephesus and will not abandon him in the mess of the culture he's in; that even when Paul is gone, it will be well because God is the only reason ever for doing life.  Paul then goes on in v.11 to share that this is why he suffers as he does - because there is something so set inside of him that knows that God called him to share the best news that the world could ever offer - the hope, grace, and love of Christ.  This is Timothy's high calling: to share the love of Christ with the world that he's been placed in.  Paul admonishes his beloved child to continue in his calling as leader of the church in Ephesus and reminds him that this message he carries, the gospel of truth and grace, is something worth suffering for.  That loving people is worth suffering for.  And that it's not about waiting on more affirmations from Lord before stepping out and doing something about it - but it's about ministering right now where he's at; that there is no reason to wait because there is so much at hand to be done.  There were so many people in Ephesus who didn't know the gospel truth; there were so many people who had never known or been told about or experienced the love of Christ, and it was Timothy's calling and privilege to share just that.

And how is our world different then Ephesus?  We may not have idols in the form of statues or temples for gods and goddesses here in North America - but there are so many other things that distract us and capture our attention.  There are so many things that hold us back from walking in our full height in our calling.  Which brings us back to this: what is your calling?  I said at the beginning that I don't think it has nearly as much to do with future events as much as it has to do with the right now, today.  And how often do we get caught up in wondering when God will "tell us our calling" or we wait around as if it's a TV special that is going to start at a certain time?

Sometime in about the second month of SBS I was spending a lot of time considering my future and my calling in youth ministry.  I have a huge heart, as many of you know, for the Christian school and seeing reform within that system, and a shift to more discipleship focused experiences.  It's my hope that one day God will open a way for me to pioneer disciple programming in Ontario.  I would love to spend a few months visiting all of the Christian high schools in Ontario engaging with students, teachers and parents to find out how they feel about Christian education to find out how "Christian" it is and how much "education" it is, and from their move to creating more of a balance.  I wrote a letter to the executive director of the OACS, and sent it off to my friend to have her edit it.  A week or so later I was laying awake, contemplating this letter and what I want to do, and how the heck God will allow all of this happen - because traveling around Ontario and talking with kids about who Jesus is doesn't exactly have a pay cheque attached to it, nor do I have the finances to take on such a feat on my own.  I was worrying about, hoping for it, praying about - when God asked me something.  He said, "would you be willing to give up your dream in order to support someone else's?"  I thought this was totally a question out of left field, and I responded with an adamant "no" because why would I give up my dream?  This is my dream - my God given and inspired dream.  This is something I have worked the past 4 and half years for, what I submitted to going to university for, and what I am studying the Bible for 9 months for.  He couldn't just ask me to give it up.

But that's apparently what He was doing.

A few mornings later I was in the kitchen for breakfast prep, once again lost in thoughts about my future and considering this question God has asked of me - wondering it's meaning, hoping for answers.  I was so lost in my own thoughts while stirring the oatmeal that I simply had no concept of what was going on around me.  It was then that I heard, "just look up," as I did, I observed everyone going about their business.  Aran and Johanna were working together to get the Canadian bacon fried up.  Erik was chopping away at the green peppers, while Alex cut the carrots.  Natalie was helping Eirik and Chloe get the biscuits together with cheese and the already fried bacon.  Taa was wandering about finishing up the little details of things - just being Taa.  And it was then that I was struck with something: This is family.  This is where I belong.  This feels so incredibly right.  This is bliss.  This is happiness.  This is a part of my calling - whatever that calling is.  And then it hit me: how could I get to so focused on the future and risk missing out on the present? 

Knowing what my calling is means walking out in love everyday.  Timothy would receive letters of encouragement and instruction from Paul, but ultimately the purpose of those letters was to affirm that he was doing well in walking out his calling - that he was loving people, caring for them, ministering to them, just as God had always planned and purposed for him.  Christ came just the same for us - that we could walk out what God purposes and plans for us.  And for Timothy it wasn't conditional - it wasn't Paul saying, "after I die, you should start this," or, "you should wait for God to direct you first," or even, "wait for clarity from God, then go for it."  No, it was "God has saved you and called you to a high calling now, today, right here - so go do it, even if it means you might suffer."

And God speaks the same thing to us.  We need to stop waiting around for the future to come and start walking in purpose and calling now, and trust that as we move forward we will together with God continue to clear the path for us to keep walking.

Back home I live on a maple syrup farm, and before we started production 3 years ago we had to clear a lot of bush in order to get my dad's old sugar shack from the thick of the bush to it's new location.  I wasn't working much at the time, and being the child at home, I was recruited to help clear it.  I recall at one point telling my dad I felt like a pioneer woman.  He told me if I was a pioneer woman I likely woulda had a baby slung around my hip and I'd be working in a dress.  I didn't complain after that.  Anyways when we first started we were in a field, tearing down small cedars and others bushes.  This part wasn't so bad, but it led to a lot of scratches on my arms and legs and a whole lot of slivers.  All the small (and extremely annoying) limbs and cedars that grew in the field had to be piled high so we could burn them eventually.  Then we hit the forest.  There was no way in.  We couldn't even see the sap shack it was so deep in.  I recall staring at the work ahead and wishing there was an easier way.  This would mean weeks more of getting up early and hauling tree trunks heavier then myself out of the way.  It would mean getting wet and being tired and getting wood chips stuck in my shirt pockets for the rest of my life and having calloused man hands for weeks.  We had to cut down big oaks, aspens, birches - Dad took the chainsaw to all of them (he was careful to avoid any maples that had potential).  And I worked to haul them away - stacking the stackable pieces in piles that we could later use to  heat the house, and carrying the useless branches into the parts of the bush that we would remain untouched.  Slowly the way cleared.  Slowly we could walk through without any big limbs or branches in the way, til finally we were able to put the old sap shack on a trailer and tractor it out.  The process took weeks, but eventually we did clear a way to get the shack through.

I feel like that process is incredibly similar to walking out in our calling.  Often we have dreams and hopes and longings of where we want to be, but we spend more time looking through the trees at the sap shack, considering the amount of work it will be to get it to us, rather then starting to clear the way to get it out and share it with the world.  We stand on the edge of the forest praying that God will show us what to do that would get us out of the hard work, the hauling of tree limbs and burning of piles of brush and the calloused man hands.  There will be parts of our calling, experiences of giving it all we have just to get skinned knees and scratched arms.  Does this mean we should stop?  Definitely not.  Is God more faithful then any pain the world could have us experience?  Most definitely. 

Walking out our calling means getting our hands dirty today - it means loving people now, taking all the seemingly pointless and baby steps and engaging in the present, being grateful for this part of the journey of your calling, doing what honours God and allowing passion to ignite your life today.  My calling is not Erika-defined and divined.  It is God defined and divined.  And just as Timothy continued to walk out his calling despite not knowing what would happen, how his calling would change the world or make an impact or effect the crazy culture that he was in, he endured.  He had to trust that God would fill in wherever he fell short or wondered, "what next?"  He had to just keep walking in love, sharing his passion with the world he knew and was called to love.

There's a video that I want to leave you with that always inspires me to keep on walking out what I love now, to keep walking in my calling despite the fact that there are times when I don't seem to understand or know what it is anymore.  In it the kid basically asks, "what your passion and calling?" but in his own little, precious kid way.  And then he tells you to do it - to make something awesome happen today.

 

Awesome doesn't happen when we sit around, waiting for our calling to start or for life to happen.  Awesome starts today because we walk it out now.  Awesome happens when we honour God with our lives by walking out our passions and showing people that we love and appreciate them today.  Fulfilling your high calling means all of this today - you will learn as you go, you will get hurt, and you will be picked back up by a God who loves you and has saved you and offers you so much grace that you'd be sinking if it was an ocean.

God is good, you are good, and your calling is today - and it is good.

be blessed, friends.

erika

of the girl I used to be.

do you ever have it where you wake up in the middle of the night with a whole ton of creative energy and you don't know what to do with it?  Or maybe you're lying awake for hours on end imagining and dreaming and hoping and longing about things that are so wonderfully possible that it keeps you up until you roll over and see that it's 2 am, and you have to be up in just a few short hours to start another day - where that dream, hope and longing doesn't exist.

story of my life.

and usually it's me laying awake composing the most thought provoking, inspiring piece of writing that I win nobel prizes for.

Well, I've never considered winning prizes for it, but let me tell you, they are usually pretty down right brilliant.  and then I wake up the next day and by the time I get around to writing, the creative magnificence has passed away, and I'm left to revel in the "could've been but never will be."

so rather than laying awake any longer, I am going to try and get these thoughts out - despite the ridiculous hour of morning that it is and the fact that church starts in less than 8 of those hours.  (thank goodness my roommate is away tonight or else I would not have even dared to slip out of my blankets.)

last night I watched a production that was put together by a couple of the dancers and one of the musicians here on base called the 'edison effect.'  the moment the dancers came alive with movement a feeling raged in my chest that often surfaces for air when a particularly beautiful piece of creativity is about to unfold.  That raging beast of a feeling is in fact no beast at all, but it is the memory of a beautiful, flowing, active, all-in-one-piece happy little girl.

And that girl was me.

Growing up I lived at the arena.  Every Tuesday and Thursday nights and Saturday morning I had figure skating lessons, while the rest of Saturday and Friday nights were spent watching my brothers play hockey.  There were even times when I would get stuck at their practices on Mondays and Wednesdays.

Being at the arena provided an area for much distraction - between the hope for blue slushies and the hockey boys to notice me I was constantly on guard.  But besides the obvious girlish distractions, I had figure skating.  And that was something that made me come alive.

Tonight I was out at a sporting goods store because I needed to buy boots, and once I found the pair that I had been looking for I wandered around the store, for no particular reason.  I was having some "me" time and had nobody else's agenda to submit to, so I had the time.  I walked around the store, and a pair of flashy white figure skates caught my eye.  That feeling surfaced again and I couldn't help myself so I approached the skates and just touched them.  In a rush the familiar life of my childhood came back to me.  The smell of the change room, with the unfortunate odour of boys' hockey gear always lingering in the air; the colours - the red benches and grey walls - the rubber all over the floor so as to never hurt the blade of your skate.  The feeling of slipping your feet into that polished white figure skate - I still remember my first pair of "real" skates, the good professional kind that I had to buy once I got my own coach (whose name was Claire).  Lacing up those girlish boots with a blade for a soul was so familiar I never once had to think how it was done - it was second nature how tight I liked them, and the final tug up of the tights was something that was done to ensure no discomfort; I'd be in those babies moving and dancing for the next hour or so and to sense any sort of bulge between my toes or around my ankle would mean having to stop.  Those were precious moments that could not be wasted.  It was always the most refreshing experience to step onto that freshly zamboni'd ice.  That anticipation as we watched the ice cleaning machine make it's final lap led to a tangible sense of excitement as we were all crowded onto the small mat of rubber leading from the changeroom onto the ice, and when we finally got to unlatch the door and step out onto the shining sheet of white it was like stepping into heaven itself.  The sound the blades made as they slashed through the soft ice was one of the best feelings that could ever be experienced.  The warmup was crossovers around the two lower circles - usually to the tune of "Mambo #5".  You'd have to get in some little jumps and a spiral or two (at least one per leg despite the fact that everybody has their dominant) before stretching out at the benches.  Then you'd start into practicing your routine until you had your training with your coach for the day, who would critique your practice, help you add new elements, and then leave you to it til the next lesson.

I'd spend long afternoons (when I had the courage to be outside) and almost every snowday sharing the pond with my brothers, making up dances around them as they played one on one pick up hockey - usually ending our time together hoping they would watch the next bit of creativity that I'd invented (to which they would scoff, take the 4 wheeler and go home, leaving me alone and half insulted because they didn't care to watch, but half grateful because now the whole pond was mine).  I remember one time I made up a whole dance to "Thy Word" (remember that old song?) and I was so proud of myself.  Inside the house I would repeatedly watch a figure skating version of "Beauty and the Beast" and constantly swish around the kitchen in slippery socks, making my mama watch me as I practiced to be the next Tara Lipinski.

That was bliss.  Pure bliss.

And I threw it all away when I was 13.  And for what?  Because it wasn't cool.  Why wasn't it cool?  Because a boy said so.

Girls.  Boys.  Anybody who is reading this:

Don't ever throw away your dream because SOMEONE ELSE says it's dumb.

Don't.  Don't do it.  You'll likely lose that sense of joy for a long time, and by the time you realize what you've done, it'll be too late to bring it back for what it was.

I remember the day I had to decide whether I was giving up my happiness or not.  A boy at school had been teasing me about it, and because I just wanted approval and love, I listened to him.  I knew that if I listened to him I'd automatically be cooler and more attractive - this boy held a lot of sway.  Later that night I recall entering the arena, with my dad, to sign up for another figure skating season - my second full year with my own coach and those darling new skates.  My parents and I had had the discussion about whether or not I would continue because figure skating is really expensive - especially with a coach.  But at age 13 there is no point continuing without a coach.  At age 13 I had to decide my destiny.  And we walked into the room and the pressure of not being cool and being a financial burden weighed so deeply inside of me, I told me dad I didn't want to skate anymore.  And we left.  I dropped my innocence on that floor and walked away.  

Some days I still question if I will ever find it again.

I remember crying at some point that night - quite unaware that this would be the first of many tear filled nights that would lead to a hardening of my heart I didn't even know was possible.

This week God has brought to light some things that my heart needs to purge itself of - some places it is still very set in - before I can move forward with more of the freedom that He so generously offers to me.  And the more I consider the things that I have wrestled with and how I got stuck in them, the more I see the correlation between quitting what I love, and opening up doors to a world that would hurt my heart and injure my soul, and quickly created a gap between the One I love and the person that I thought I wanted to be.

Don't ever throw away your dream because SOMEONE ELSE says it's dumb.  Trust that whatever they think is dumb is something that makes you happy because someOne placed that inside of you for a reason.  God knew what He was doing when He made you, and those things that make you JOY FILLED are there for a PURPOSE.  DON'T let them go.

My life fell into an organized and masked chaos, despite the fact I thought it was all normal.  Nobody know the destructive habits that I developed and how I learned to glean love and identity from the opposite sex.  It was easy - you just flash him the right look or say just the right thing, and he would submit to whatever whim it was that you wanted fulfilled.  You'd just put on the right outfit and walk just the right way, and he'd be prey under your pinky.  Easy, peasy.  I knew physically what I could do to really make him crumble - yet, looking back I see, by the grace of God and by the grace of God alone, I never made any such move.  In fact, in those moments when I considered gently brushing up against him or touching the small of his neck or just flat out grabbing his hand - I would get terrified.  My insides would squirm and my hands would start to sweat.  I wouldn't do it.  Ever.  Never have I ever.  There was something about actually following through with any sort of physical act that felt so unnatural that I would simply never do it - despite the fact that it so naturally crossed my train of thought to do ever so often.

All by the grace of the Lord - let me tell you.  He redeems even our darkest thoughts and actions - or inactions.

I learned young how to manipulate and gain that control - but seemingly never to my true advantage.  It was likely the lack of physical action that prevented me from ever actually dating after I quit skating.  Or the straight up grace of God.  Probably more of the latter.  Nonetheless, the lack of prolonged attention fed my insecurities, and I in turn made more choices that led to more heartbreak on more occasions that are useless in attempting to account for.  Sure - the batted blue eyes and witty remarks allowed my ego to puff up for a time, but it was the quiet moments when everyone was left to their someone and I was left quite alone that really hurt the most.  The pain of not knowing love or joy or happiness led to a deep sense of loneliness that I carried with me like an old blanket that couldn't be surrendered past infanthood.  It was constantly getting thrown in the dirt, muck and mud only to be lifted back out and brought along into life with me. 

Finally I experienced some freedom when I allowed that rag to fall away and let God cleanse me from all the choices I had made, and He allowed me to see just how much He had actually saved me from.  And why?  Because He loved me.

That was why?  Really?  It's that simple?

Well, yes, it's that simple.

He. Loved. Me.

There I was, stuck in a lonely pit of despair while the Lord kept holding His hand out for me to take hold, all the while I thought I could dig my out on my own.

Silly girl.

He loved me.

He loved me.  And all the while I'd just been looking for love in all the wrong places.

I was looking for love with eyes that were out to steal, kill and destroy - not with eyes that would see the healthy ground where a garden could actually be planted.

Then He showed me.  He led me away to a secret place planned just for me.  He showed me what it was to be loved so deeply - He convinced there was no other way, and breathed His last so I could breathe my first.  Then His Father breathed life back into Him, and we walked away together rejoicing - both white as snow and full of joy.

He taught me how to love again.  He showed me the little things that could bring life and peace in a world full of death and busy-ness.

the gentle whisper of the wind.  the bubble of the stream.  the warmth of the sun on my skin.  the sunshine, streams, rodeos, laughter, sunsets, sunrises, lakes - all natural beauty. 
hearing people's stories, sunday afternoon football, playing games, knowing how much Jesus loves me, praying for people, hanging out with my youth kids, Bon Echo, music by needtobreathe, quiet times with Jesus, evening bike rides, sand in my toes.
good hugs, good books, long conversation...

It is here that I know to whom I belong, and the beauty of who He created me to be.  It is here that I believe. 

This is bliss now.  Pure bliss.

Do I ever long for that innocent girl back?  Yes.  I would be lying if I said I didn't.  I still long to lace up those old whites (that no longer fit) and brace myself for the old familiar softness of a freshly cleaned sheet of ice.  To have a blank canvas ready for me to give life to is something I can only dream of doing.  I don't even know if I could do any of my old moves anymore.  I know for sure I couldn't accomplish anything close to a spiral.  With some help I might manage to "shoot the duck".  Guess I will just have to wait til heaven and God can even be my pair - then it'll be a real experience on ice (and you're gunna wanna catch that show!)

But do I regret the rest of my life?  Not at all.  God has moved in ways that are immeasurable and He is the one who has redeemed and continues to redeem.  I am evermore finding pieces of the girl I turned into that need to be cut way and ripped apart - which is no pleasant process.  But I thank my Maker that He has done this, and that He is doing this.  That He is tirelessly working on my heart, mind, soul and body to bring restoration and life to areas that were once dead.  He is so beyond good.  Words will never be enough to explain just HOW good He is, and I pray you are also ever coming into this truth. 

But until then - don't give up your God given, righteous and wonderful bliss.  Don't give it up.  Don't let it go.  In fact, seek it out all the more.  Chase it down.  Follow the sweet scent of his grace and see where it leads.  Breathe it in deeply and open your eyes wide to see it more clearly. 

Don't ever throw away your dream, friend.  Don't throw it away.

erika

of this simple heart.

there have been a billion and a half things on my mind in the past few weeks.  Buckle up.

a few weeks back I had read a blog post by one of my role models, who I have actually never met, but follow her blog and have read one of her books.  I've talked about Shellie before (check out her blog here, especially if you're a single lady), and she always seems to hit the nail on the head.  In response to considering the term "Phantom Relationships" and what defines it, I responded with a bit of a lengthy email to her as I wrestled through what this meant in my own life.  She had me consider a few things in response to what she deemed a venting sesh (I thought I was being completely rational and logical and not crazy sounding at all.  She thought different.)  One of the things I had consider was "What is my bliss?"
Bliss being: supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment; the joy of heaven;  heaven; paradise.

I put off considering this, thinking I could just make up an answer.  But as I was feeling personally frustrated I decided to retreat to my favourite little spot on this base - a bench near this little stream.  It reminds me of home.  I like it a lot.  And while sitting there I considered my bliss.  This is what I ended up writing back to her:

As I reflected on this today I realized something: when I am stuck in life, surrounded by busy; surrounded by good people; surrounded by grumpy people... Full of what the world demands of me, I get lost, and forget who I am.  It is in the silence that my soul is restored and I hear the gentle whisper of the wind, the bubble of the stream (if it were warmer my toes would be in said stream!), and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.  It is here that I know to whom I belong, and the beauty of who He created me to be.  It is here that I believe.  It is here I find my bliss, my utter joy and supreme happiness - in the little things.  The sunshine, streams, rodeos (yes, like those western things, ha!), laughter, sunsets/rises, lakes, natural beauty, hearing people's stories, sunday afternoon football, playing games, knowing how much Jesus loves me, praying for people, hanging out with my youth kids, Bon Echo (a park I have camped at since childhood), music by needtobreathe, quiet times with Jesus, evening bike rides, sand in my toes, good hugs, good books, long conversation, sharing Jesus' love.  It's while I reflect on these simple things that bring me joy that I wonder... how I could ever be discontent?  how could I ever want more?  I have no idea...but to be reminded to take these times more often...

And it is ever so true.  The next question she had asked was, "What will a man bring you that you don't already have?"  And after considering my bliss...I honestly couldn't think of anything.  My answer to that question was this: 

I couldn't think of anything (besides the obvious - a child. ha!  but the good Lord has only just opened my heart to giving birth to one of my own in the past year...).  Maybe that is the wrong answer...and maybe I am just making myself single forever in that...but honestly as I reflected over the bliss list, I could only think that a man could bring me more of those things...even though I can content in them right now.  If that makes sense.  It's like he will only enhance the things I have...he won't bring them to me for the first time.  I don't know if that makes sense. 

For real.  Think about it.  What can somebody else bring to your life?  Is it that they should present you with happiness for the first time, or should it be that they enhance the happiness you already have?  That may be a little off topic...but you know me and my tangents.

The other morning during breakfast prep as I was stirring the oatmeal, as I do every morning, I was getting lost in my own head considering what the heck I should do after SBS.  The more and more I think about it the more I feel like God has given me a blank slate and I can choose what to do with it.  I was weighing my options, trying to choose what I really wanted when I heard, "just look up."  God has been speaking this phrase to me a lot since the spring, and as I did so this time I observed the rest of my crew going about their business.  Aran and Johanna working together to get the Canadian bacon fried up.  Erik chopping away at the green peppers.  Alex was cutting the carrots.  Natalie was helping Eirik and Chloe get the biscuits together with cheese and the already fried bacon. Taa was wandering about finishing up the little details of things.  Everybody was so intent on the task they had taken responsibility of.  Everybody was in their little zone.  And suddenly I was overwhelmed with gratefulness.  I sensed the smile as it spread across my face, and a few tears may have even blurred my vision for a minute.  Nobody noticed.  Nobody needed to.  and it was here that I knew: This is family.  This is where I belong.  This feels so incredibly right.  This is bliss.  This is happiness.  How could I get to so focused on the future and risk missing out on the present?  And as I watched I wondered why I ever worry or wonder about the future when I belong right here, right now.  It took a lot of pressure off my having to make anything happen now and even in waiting for God's response to some things.  It doesn't matter because I belong here, and now.  I kept stirring the oatmeal, and as the moment faded God whispered, "remember this moment."  And I have no doubt that I will.  

"wherever you are, be fully there."

Of course, this is so much easier said than done.  

I have been working on some things in regards to my future, but I won't share what that is quite yet.  Don't worry, I will share more as time progresses and something happens (or doesn't), you will know.  And if you keep reading you may get a hint about it.  But in the meantime, I was laying awake last night thinking about a few things my heart is wrestling through.  Of course my big dream came up, and I felt God say, "What if I asked you to give up that big dream to pursue another dream - somebody else's dream?"  I didn't quite know what He meant by that...I am still not sure if I do.  I have some theories.  But the theories don't really matter much.  The thing is...I am not sure if I could give up my dream.  I mean we all have dreams, plural, but out of all those dreams, we usually have one, ultimate dream that supercedes any of the others.

My big dream has never been to get married to the perfect guy and have lots of babies.  I've never dreamed of being a successful businesswoman who always gets to wear the heels and the nice clothes all the time.  I've never dreamt (realistically) of being that supermodel that everybody things is all that.  I've never dreamed of being a sports star - and that's probably because I'm best at watching sports as opposed to playing them.  If these dreams ever crossed my mind, they've never lasted.  Do I still hope for other dreams?  Sure.  But do the set me on fire and give me heaps of passion?  Not quite yet - maybe never (I can promise you my dream of being a sports star, for example, will never pan out.  The supermodel thing though...?  (ha!))

No, my big dream for a long time now has been to pioneer discipleship programming on Christian high schools in Ontario.  I want to be that bringer of change.  It's crazy and ridiculous and seriously impossible without Jesus.  Ultimately, I'd love to see a good portion of students graduate knowing they are loved, with some semblance of an idea of how to be a disciple of Christ.  I don't expect them to ever have it figured out by the age of 17, but I hope for a better foundation.  Goodness sakes, I don't know anybody who has it all figured out...but we're all figuring it out, all the time.  And this needs to be the case for teenagers too.  I get so fired up when I hear, "well, that's the church's job" or "they'll get it [rebellion] out of their system and come around to church when they're older."  For real?  How many young people do you know that have "gotten it out of their system" and are now actively following Christ?  And by actively I mean changing the spheres of influence in the grace and power of Christ, or trying to, they are a part of and not just getting up for church on a given Sunday morning.  I won't keep up with this, because we all know that I could.  But that's my dream.  And to give that up - to give up this passion that's rooted within the very core of my being?  I don't know if I could.

But ultimately, why wouldn't Jesus ask this of me?  

Sound harsh?  I don't think it's even close.  What did He do for me?  He came, He was tempted, He experienced pain and suffering, and more rejection than I could ever imagine.  He served everyone He met - He healed, He cast out demons, He gave us His Spirit.  He has done so much, and I can't even be selfless enough to give up my dream?

I know some of you are likely thinking, "But Erika, don't give up your dream!  You've worked so hard and you have all this passion - and God gave it to you!"  Oh yes, I believe you.  Trust me.  I know.  I know this is from God.  If it wasn't from God I don't think I would even dare to dream it.  But if I am not constantly surrendering the biggest pieces of me to Him, what really will I have?  If I am not willing enough to do the thing that I don't want to do, giving up my dream for someone else's, how much of a servant am I?

I know part of being here is working on trust.  Trusting in God...trusting in people...trusting God and trusting people.  I know that is an element that God is working at in me.  And trusting produces a faith that can be so tangible...and I know God wants this to be so real for me.  And how can things be real if I hold myself back - if I hold onto anything that is about me, even my God given dreams - and am not having the faith that what He began, He will finish.

I read a quote the other day that resonated within me of everything that my heart is wrestling through:

Faith means you want God and want to want nothing else... In faith there is movement and development.  Each day is something new.

I want to want nothing else, but alone God.  You alone.  Oh Lord, incite in me such faith to make each day something new.  To give myself over to You wholly and completely and wonderfully surrender every square centimetre of my being to You.  To remember my bliss - and not just remember it, but live in a way that bliss is the norm.  That I can be servant enough to surrender my dream to pursue another's dream, and find bliss in that.  

That is the real challenge.

erika

of what I actually do everyday

straight up.

For those of you who would like to receive the more "technical updates" as opposed to listening to the ramblings of my heart, let me know your email and I can add you to that list.  In the meantime, here's a sample of something technical: the way we learn to study the Bible here at SBS.  I did not include this in my update letter because...well...not everybody would want to read this.  If you've read this, I commend you.  and I will bring you home some m&m's.  If you let me know who you are that read this.... anyways....


How do I actually study the Bible?  You may ask.  Well, let me tell you, and prove to you that I've not just sitting around in Montana making friends and eating too much meat and actually becoming a lumberjack. 

We use what it is called inductive study, or "The Method."  

1. We first have to read through the book - whatever book we are on.  Right now we into Luke - out loud in one sitting (which we can do with a few others if we want).  This past Sunday it was beautiful so I took my Bible and say by a creek that's here on base with my tea and thoroughly enjoyed those 2 hours of just leafing through Luke.  The only book we don't need to this for is Psalms, cause hey, Psalms is huge, and they are broken up throughout the 3 semesters.  
2. We read through again and make 4 word titles for each paragraph in the book.  Yes.  Every paragraph.  and the titles need to be words words that are close to each other and in order...and of course have to do with the paragraph.  We also break up the book into manageable sections which we'll need for late on.  At this point we also pick out a key verse, reason written and main idea of the book. 
3. Next we "Colour Code" by marking up nearly every sentence with pencil crayons (or coloured pencils as the fine Americans say), defining things like who is present, where they are, whether the speech is figurative, if the OT is quoted etc... There are about 30 different things we need to look for in this step.  By the time we're done colour coding, we've read through the book 3 times.  
4. Next we complete any background research needed, like finding out the authorship and dating, as well as the recipient of the book and the original hearers of the text.  I received my very own Bible Dictionary and Study Bible in the mail today - two things I am thoroughly excited about like the a real Bible nerd.  ha!
5. Finally is the "real work".  We have by now sectioned off all of our paragraphs into manageable sections, and we have to observe the text for what it is saying.  We ask questions that the text answers for us like, "who is saying....?" and "where are they when they say.....?"  And reference our answer with text.  Next we interpret the text, meaning we ask questions of the text that we are curious about, that we can likely figure out the answer to because of our background information.  For example, "Why does Paul call the Galatians foolish?" or something like that.  Questions that the text maybe indirectly answers.  Kind of like meandering through it, wondering why the author said what they did or consider how the original reader may have reacted to something.  Finally we do application, which is where we can look at the text and see the truth that is timeless and can be applied forever.  We take these truths and write about situations where they are/can be/have been applied and write about those.  This process takes HOURS AND HOURS as you are doing this for about every chapter of the book (usually more though).  
6. After all that is done, we do a final application and pray about a timeless truth where God was speaking to us specifically, and then pray about to do with that truth (eg. serving others, so I am going to clear everyone's plates for them after a meal.  That's simple and cheesy, but that's the gist of it.
   
   This process has been extremely challenging because we are raised to take Scripture at surface level and apply it, as if it was written directly to us.  So it's hard to get out of that mindset and get into the original readers and author's and see it through their eyes, and then see what is left for us.  Scripture was of course written for us all, but not written to us.  It's hard to wrap my head around that.  But anyways, it's a lot of work.  I never imagined it would be this difficult.  But it's really good.  Scripture is coming alive and it's making sense.  It's good.  God is good.

So that's the little update.  I would say more things because trust me there is a lot going on in my heart.  It's actually been a little odd...I mean being in the Word so much can sometimes feel like you're just studying...it's so important while here to be intentional about remembering what this Book is that I am studying.  That said it's also super important for me to remember to take Jesus time, aside from the studying time.  Today I took a good chunk of time and just say by the creek (it's most definitely my favourite spot here) and just journaled and thought and pondered and listened.  It was glorious.  And God was speaking.  He is pretty cool.

Well.  back to the grind.  thanks for reading about what I'm doing.  You're so gracious.  and don't forget to let me know if I owe you some m&m's.

erika

of hugging with all you have

I can't even recall when I last wrote.  I don't think it was terribly long ago.  But for the record...time doesn't work the same here.  Life just happens.  I seem to like it.

I've discovered a new musician that I love.  Well.  a few.  1. ben howard.  for real.  He's pretty solid.  I'm enjoying his sound.  Acoustic yummy-ness is what it is, is what it is.  2. Yiruma.  if you think that sounds Japanese, you'd be wrong.  He's South Korean.  He plays the most beautiful piano I have ever heard in my all life.  Click here to here one of my faves.  Great study tunes.  You know what is a plus about studying in Montana?  Pandora.  and Spotify.  Serious wins, America.

today is Canadian Thanksgiving!  So a huge shout to my Canadian (and want to be Canadian) friends!  I miss you all dearly.  on Saturday I called home (well, Facetime.  I was thinking while I was Facetiming how amazing this technology is.  Seriously!  It was almost like I was there, except I couldn't quite squeeze Joshy's cutie-patutie little cheeks like I would have liked to!) and everyone was there (minus my boo) just sitting down for turkey!  I had real missing family moment.  So shortly after I Facetimed my boo (aka. my baby sis) out in BC and we were alone together :)  It was lovely to be in her presence. [does Facetime count as presence?]  It was great.   This afternoon all the Canadians on base (about 12 out of over 150 people!) got to have turkey dinner together in an actual home with real fancy plates and real turkey and stuffing and mmmmm-mmmm!  It was fantastic.

That's all the Canadians.  Except a couple who came a bit later.  It was grand to talk about homey things like Tim Horton's and not need to explain why their donuts are the best.  Beauty.  My heart is at home.

Well that's enough of that kind of update.  Let me tell you what's up for real.

Pretty right?  so pretty!  It's getting more real!  So last week we finished up our seminar phase of SBS (class everyday, twice a day, homework all the rest of the time, basically.  Super overwhelming, but good.)  We were finishing up on study of Galatians which focuses a lot on being justified by faith and not by works.  As an illustration on the last day the guy who was leading the lecture, Nathan, decided to offer each of us a cookie.  Another staff, Ryan, also came up to the front to join Nathan in what we thought would be his left hand in handing out these tasty treats.  Nathan offered up the first cookie to the first student, asking if she would like it.  Of course, she responded with a yes (double chocolate chip with almond extract!? Yes please!) However when he handed her the cookie he turned to Ryan and said, "hey Ryan, can you do 5 pushups so Carolynn can have a cookie?"  Of course Ryan obliged.  Many people laughed, some people wondered, loudly, why he had to - Carolynn said she would give the cookie back.  Nathan moved on and asked the next person if they wanted a cookie.  He also responded with a "sure", and Nathan again asked Ryan to do 5 pushups.  It was then that it dawned on me what was happening.  Nathan was going to continue to offer a cookie to each student, 51 in total that day, and for each student that said yes, Ryan would do 5 pushups.  Nathan got to the 5th student and she said, "No, I'm okay," to which Nathan responded, "Okay, well I will just leave this here, and Ryan can you do 5 pushups so Leah can have a cookie?"  Well, there went my plan.  This wasn't about Ryan's pushups and Nathan's cookies.  This was about this Jesus I follow and my life.  As much as I thought about what Christ had physically done for me, never had it dawned in me so realistically.  I sat there, in my seat, knowing Nathan would eventually get to me, considering how I would respond to his offer - all the while a thick lump was forming in the depths of my throat.  I thought about how I couldn't even do my own push ups - just the day before I did some circuit training with my friend Amanda, and I could barely do 5 girl push ups, and I couldn't accomplish 1 man one!  How could I do 5 per student?  How could I do 5 *good ones* just for me?  I couldn't.  I knew I couldn't.  When Nathan got to me and said, "Erika, would you like a cookie?" I couldn't even speak.  I just nodded.  It was shortly after that as I stared at that cookie on my desk that the tears started to flow.

"This is so silly.  It's just Ryan and he's just doing

push ups.  And this is just about the cookie."

"Erika, it's not about the cookie.  It's about me and what I did for you.

You couldn't have done it for yourself.  Remember yesterday?

You couldn't even try.  I wouldn't have wanted you to try."

"There is nothing I could ever do to make up for this.  

All I can do is be grateful and offer You my life."

"Would it have been loving for me to

watch you take that pain?

 For you to suffer like that?"

"No.  But how am I to love?  There is no way I can ever love enough."

"No.  Just be loved.  Let me love you. 

Love others.  Help them see their need for me."

All I can ever do is offer Him my life.  And He loves it.  He loves me.  There is not enough *good* for me to do in this world that will earn myself my salvation, my justification, my life.

If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.  Drowning, actually.  But in a really good way.  Somehow.  As Syd would say, "it's a paradox.  live in the tension."

I left that room a bit of a mess.  I wasn't the only one.  The real kicker?  Jesus not only gives us the cookie, but he wants us to enjoy it.  The only thing this illustration fell short on was the fact that we have something to celebrate about too- and that's that Jesus rose again 3 days later.  He lives!  It didn't end with His pain - but He did take ours, and we need to know.

on Saturday morning we had to read through the gospel of Mark since that's the book we're on this week.  The first reading of each book has to be read out loud, and can be done in groups of 4 or less (just in case you were wondering, cause I thought you might be ;)).  I sat down to read with two lovelies, and about halfway through it hit me that if I had to read the Crucifixion that I just didn't think I could do it - yet somehow I knew in my soul that the story was likely going to be a part that fell on my turn of reading out loud.  Sure enough, Mark 15 came around and it was me.  I felt it coming when the words, "And when the sixth hour had come..." fell from my lips.  I made it to "...until the ninth hour."  Then I stopped.  That same lump.  Those familiar tears.  How had this never been real before?  I knew the next words.  I've read this passage dozens of times.  I knew "Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachtani" without even being able to see the words on the page.  But no sound came.  I was broken.  But not nearly as close to how much he broke - for me.  For you.  For those people you hate.  For those people you love.  For the smartest and not so smartest.  For the prettiest and handsomest.  For the down and out and the ones on top.  For the girls in the corner and the head cheerleader.  For the hockey captain and the chess pro.  His heart broke for all of us.  And my words through tears don't even get close to the amount of love and blood he shed for me. 

Scripture has never felt so alive!

Why is it that the Bible has never felt real?  Why is it that it has always just been a set of comforting words and engaging parables?  Do we really get how real it was?  How these pages meant something real for somebody?  That - hey - it wasn't actually written to us?  It was written for us, 100%, but we were not the original audience.  This morning we learned about the history and background in the book of Mark.  Goodness gracious!  Who knew!  It's some awful, terrible, horrible stuff.  The things that our ancestors went through to get us this book, to share the gospel, to proclaim the name of Jesus!  It's absolutely terrifying.  We took a few minutes today to imagine and put ourselves in the 1st century during the reign of Nero Caesar (this guy would put Christians into a coliseum than unleash rabid animals on them - and that's the more pleasant end of things to share).  I couldn't even imagine it...I opened my eyes and listened to the illustration because I knew if I listened I would likely have nightmares.  I still might.  I canNOT imagine living in a time when you don't know who to trust and you don't know if you'll be dragged off - or your sister or your friend or you father - to their death, and you can't do anything to stop it.  There was no safety in the Roman empire.  The Caesar's were insane and felt no shame even in killing their own family - they certainly wouldn't stop at you.  Awful.  Just awful.  And that is our heritage.  If you call yourself a Christian, that is what people went through, suffered through for you.  For me.  We need not ever be ungrateful to our Jesus for the lives we have.  These early Christians never backed down - they stood their ground and took the persecution.  It would have been so easy to deny Christ as Messiah - so easy.  All it took was regular trips to the Jewish temples.  But that wasn't what Jesus had called them to do.  He suffered for them and they understood the implications of that.  He asks us to do the same - to surrender our lives to Him, to be His servant here on earth, to suffer for Him.

It's hard.  Don't get me wrong.  I know it's hard.  And I know you can't just force these things on yourself or on somebody else.  I know that - deeply, honestly.  I wish I could give you the formula for surrender - but there are no magic words or special codes.  Allow yourself to sit in the Word.  Allow each letter to land on your tongue and sink into your mouth.  Let them digest.  Don't be afraid of waiting.

When you're sick of waiting, keep waiting.  

When you're tired of standing, keep standing.  

When you don't want to sing, sing louder. 

When you don't want to give, give twice as much.  

When you don't want to give someone a hug, hug them with all you have.  

The more you take your eyes off of you and put them on others, put them on the who God is calling you to love, the more you will probably see God, and you'll realize that you are surrendering.

I came to SBS because I wanted to know the Bible.  As it turns out, the Bible wants to know me.
and that's transforming my heart in ways I just wasn't expecting.

erika